[Solved] Hello

that was a bit too brief, I have 4 kids, 1 son from a previous marriage, 2 little ones from my current relationship and 1 son from my partners previous relationship.

Cheers, Mark

Hi Mark,

Thanks for introducing yourself.

Welcome to the forum

Darren

Hi Mark

Welcome to the website

Wow thats a bit of a handful - what do you all do at Xmas?

Sorry for being so slow to reply, this Christmas and new year has not been fantastic, I've just had DNA confirmation that my eldest is not biologically mine (not my choice to find out but it was forced on us by a particularly vile relative of his late mother), hopefully the final insult from beyond the grave. That being said, at least I know where I stand after 9 years of hope, and the last 3 years thinking that I could protect him from total loss.

That's not a good thing to find out. Aside the technicalities, have you acted as a father to your eldest for a long period? Also, forgetting the DNA for the moment, what would you like to happen, and what would he like to happen now?

I was there when he was born and had not even the slightest inkling that he wasn't mine until about two weeks after his mother left me when he was 4. His sister, my stepdaughter, went into hospital following an asthma attack and I went to collect some clothes for her and her mother from her mothers cousin, who couldn't wait to drop the bombshell. I didn't believe her at the time as we weren't exactly friends and she has a history of lying and making life unpleasant for people. About 6 months later I also got earholed at a party by someone for what seemed like an eternity with the "he's not yours" stuff. Despite finding out how promiscuous she was during our 6 year relationship, it's amazing how many people knew what she was up to, I thought it was in his best interests to not persue things despite the attentions of the CSA and numerous verbal attacks on me and withdrawal of access twice when she heard I was seeing someone else, all the usual "your dad doesn't want you now, he's got someone else" and "if it wasn't for her me and your dad could get back together" stuff leading to conflict between him and me.

When I met my current partner all seemed ok until she moved in and my exes attentions turned to her, telling him he didn't need to listen to her as she wasn't his mum and, as he told us after she died, plotting ways of getting her to leave me by making her life as horrible as possible. All this led to one very disturbed young boy coming to live with us, attempts to get him bereavement counselling through CRUSE came to nothing as they only had one person trained to deal with children and she had just lost her son. A phone call to the SS alleging that we weren't catering for his needs along with a catalogue of other allegations nearly destroyed mine and my partners relationship although we accepted their offer of help with him. Just as they were about to close the case I found out about the DNA test his mother's cousin had done without consent from either him or me, I had no choice but to tell him what had happened as I didn't want her meeting him outside school with the results. A few weeks later he had a massive tantrum, his first for about 6 months, following a fight with his stepbrother which led to him telling my partner how much he hated her, her family and our 4 year old son.

Shortly after that he made an allegation against my partner to his counsellor who had no choice but to report back to his superiors and this led to the SS removing him from school on the last day before the summer holidays and taking him to my parents pending the police investigation, this took 2 months after which the case was closed with no further action taken. The SS covered themselves in glory throughout all this by offering no support whatsoever to my parents and failing to keep any of the promises they made when they persuaded them to take him in. I still pay for his upkeep although I cannot afford to, my parents are applying for special guardianship at present as we do not know how all this stuff affects his future and they are trying to keep him in our family.

The relationship between him and me is unaffected as far as I'm concerned, and he feels the same, although I now see him less than I did when he lived with his mother. Financially I can't keep this up so I'm seeking legal advice on how best to proceed, in an ideal world the people involved in the original DNA test would be in jail as they committed a criminal offence but the powers that be have decided that a slap on the wrist is sufficient when you've removed the only remaining thing a child is sure of.

At the risk of sounding mercenary I would like his biological father to support him financially since he was so keen to get involved in disrupting his life, although I have no intention of abandoning him. My partner doesn't want anything to do with him at present and doesn't want him having contact with the other three kids although I took him to a Pantomime with two of them at christmas, the first time they have met since July. Hopefully things may settle down to some sort of pattern eventually although most of my family and my partner are not on speaking terms due to the SS phone call.

I'm trying to come to terms with all this [censored] and I'm more than a little concerned how he will deal with all this as he gets older and more angry.

This is only a part of the [censored] my ex put me through, I could write a novel.

Cheers, Mark

Hi Mark

I think that there's obviously a lot going on, and your partner is something that you have to consider, but I would say that the DNA test adds a complication, but that wouldn't stop you going for residence if you want to do so as you have a strong bond with him and have acted as his father since birth. I would also say that if this happened, his biological father would probably still be liable for maintenance. I'd certainly discuss this with your solicitor.

I will be taking legal advice, 6 weeks after the SS carted him off they turned up at my door saying I had to pay for his upkeep as his residency at my parents was a voluntary placement and it was my responsibility to provide for him, although he is not allowed to come home (doesn't sound very voluntary to me). They were completely disinterested in the fact that I couldn't afford to fork out £50 per week with 3 other kids to provide for and made it clear that the CSA would be involved if I didn't pay, unless I removed my name from his birth certificate. I am very reluctant to do this as I will then lose parental responsibility for him, although PR hasn't helped me to protect him as people have just bypassed me anyway.

The only way forward, unfortunately, is to support my parents application for special guardianship, that way he stays with the only family he has ever known, I can see him whenever I like and none of the other bastards who have wrecked his life can turn up and demand him. He also lives in a quiet and peaceful environment with no conflict with others, he cannot stand the usual occasional sibling bickering that occurs in families, not an ideal situation but the best of a bad deal.

His biological father says he's not interested in him (so why get involved in a dna test?) and why would he be when he has his current family to cater for, which leaves his closest adult relative (who arranged the illegal dna test) and she will have no more to do with him as long as I have any sort of control.

As said before I never wanted any of this, I was with his mother for three years before he was born and had no idea until after she left that he may not be mine. I had hoped that people would leave him in peace after his mother's overdose but I really should have known better than to expect consideration and decency from these people.

Cheers, Mark