[Solved] hello advice please

Hi Alex, I'm new here as well. A cursory look on google dug up the following link which you might find helpful:

http://www.familylawbirmingham.co.uk/Services/children-in-divorce-and-child-custody.html

The first and most important thing is to ensure you have PR (parental responsibility). You do not automatically have PR, but you do if any of the three following conditions have been met:

1) You are the children's father and are married to the child's mother
2) You have legally adopted the children
3) You were present for the registration of the birth and your name appears on the birth certificate

When you have PR, the default position is that you legally have access to your children. Unless there are specific factors against you - a history of violence and domestic or child abuse, for example - then you are free to pursue your right to access.

But before you go charging off to the courts, Alex, I urge you to take stock of the situation. Of course your daughters deserve their Dad being around, but there are certain preconditions you've got to meet.

The first is that as soon as you can, start contributing to the welfare of the children if you're not already. CSA payments if necessary, but it would be preferable for you to send your ex at least a cheque a month. Make sure you enclose a letter to explain what the money is for, and keep a copy for your records. A bank transfer is also a good option, but ensure you keep up some form of paper correspondence. It demonstrates a willingness on your part to pay your share for the kids' upbringing regardless of circumstance.

The second is that wherever possible, you keep a civil tongue if and when you communicate with your ex-partner. Threats - ranging from "I'll just pick them up from nursery, you can't stop me" to "I'll see you in court!" and my particular favourite, "I'll get you for this if its the last thing I do," just help her build a case against you.

This doesn't mean don't contact her. Be sure that when you do, you keep a log of the themes and topics of the conversations. It'll help you keep track of things and separate things said in anger from more salient points.

If there is no defrosting of your relationship, you will want to advise your solicitor to pursue mediation as your first legal avenue. By and large, the courts would vastly prefer it if parents could come up with voluntary access agreements and didn't include them, so this is the first step to ensuring that it doesn't cross their desk. if she refuses mediation, you'll be able to take it to the courts - and whats more, it'll remain on record that you were the one who attempted to instigate mediation.

I hope you're able to resolve things with your ex without turning to the courts, but if things do get that far then the advice I list above will help demonstrate that you are acting in the best interests of your daughter's. Although the courts tend to prefer that the mother remains as the primary carer, access agreements normally fall the way of the party who has acted more sensibly and maturely.

Things sound very tough right now and you might be feeling a bit desperate. Remember that it is a process that may seem frustrating and drawn-out, but that there are two little girls who (whilst they may not know it) need a cool and level-headed Dad to be fighting his corner for them.

Best of luck Alex, and please let us know how you get on.

Soupdragon,

Hi mate, welcome to the site - really sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough time at the moment.

I will ask the Coram Childrens Legal Centre to pop by and offer some advice mate - they are yoda when it comes to child law.

Keep checking back for an answer - in the meantime tell us some more details about yourself.

Hang on in there.

Gooner

thanks all.will check out that place in Brum. just thinkin I am not redundant and not going to see my kids anymore. Yes I was present at both their births and I am on both birth certificates as the rightful father. communication has broken down with my ex now and now she is wrongfully accusing me of something outrageous, that somehow I intrefered with her income support and they cut it. This is ludicrous and I would never have done such a thing nor entertain such a thought. I think she is very unbalanced and as I have no other way to verify this right now I have no idea if this is true or wether she has made this up to make life more difficult for me.

hi
Been through so many similar and a lot worse with my little girls birth mother. Dont give up, your kids are the most precious gift you will ever receive, if you have concerns contact social services, in my experience, now i know how to deal with them,and they are hard to deal with lol, they are the best tool in my box..........from never speaking to me, one e-mail from them just helped me win my last court battle.....my little girls mum is bipolar and she tried to hide her condition, until a friendly social worker listened to my description of her and checked her medical history.......stay strong and never give up.

thank you!

Dear Alex

Contact is considered the right of the child and therefore children should be seeing both parents. Because the children live with their mother, she is acting as the resident parent which means that she is the one making the day to day decisions. When it comes to contact to an extent the resident parent is able to determine what contact takes place as they have the children physically with them. However the resident parent should be reasonable about contact and should not be preventing contact for no good reason.

There is no set amount of contact that must take place; this will vary depending how the distance between parent’s’ addresses, work commitments, what contact the children are used to etc.

Should you be unhappy with the contact your ex partner is allowing you the first stage would be to seek the assistance of a solicitor who would write to your ex partner and try to reach agreement over contact. You may be referred to mediation, which is where both you and your ex partner would sit down with a neutral third party and try to reach agreement over contact. Should it still not be possible to reach agreement over how and when contact is to take place it may be necessary to apply to court for a contact order; this is a court order which gives set times and days for contact. It may be that initially the contact granted is limited but then this can be built up over time as appropriate.

Should you not be eligible for legal aid and unable to afford the assistance of a solicitor, if negotiations with your ex partner break down and it becomes impossible to agree contact you are able to apply for a contact order yourself and represent yourself in court. The form you will need to complete to apply is a C100. This can be obtained from your local county court or online at http://hmctsformfinder.justice.gov.uk/HMCTS/FormFinder.do . This will need to be filed at the Court local to where the children are living.

Should you have further questions please do contact the Child Law Advice Line on 0808 8020 008.

Yours faithfully

The Coram Children’s Legal Centre

ok thank you.One question, my partner cant change my childrens surnames without my consent can she?

Hi

To the best of my knowledge, changing a child's name requires the consent of all those with parental responsibility, and if there's a residence order in place, then the court's permission has to be sought. However, I'm not 100% on this so I'll ask the CCLC to pop back and confirm or correct my comments.

no there is no residency order in place,not that I know of or not yet anyways

I think you'd know if there was 🙂

Keep checking this out, I've asked the CCLC to comment.

no what I mean is communication between my and my ex has broken down and the last messages I got from her were accusatory and vague. She doesnt have an address for me at present and hasnt asked for one, so if she was trying for a residency order I wouldnt have any clue about it. I am in the dark at the moment till social services pull their finger out and help or else the solicitor. I put my money on the solicitor getting me more information right now

Dear Soup Dragon 1973,

We thank you for your question.

With regards to changing a childs surname, this cannot be done without the consent of every person who has Parental Responsibility for the child. This is the case even when there a Residence Order is in place in favour of one parent.

I hope the information we have provided you with above has helped with your question. If you have further questions please do contact the Child Law Advice Line on 0808 802 0008.

Yours faithfully,

The Coram Children’s Legal Centre.

two more questions....sorry. She has said she is joining the Mormon church which is her choice of course but doesnt that mean as a single mum she is taking my kids along? I am not religious and didnt wish to bring my kids up in any religion, if they choose that when they are older thats their choice. Is there any way I can stop her from inducting my children into a religion I have no wish for them to be involved in?

Also she talked about getting 'sole custody' of the children a couple of months back. Can she do this or is this a misnomer?If she means a residency order then perhaps but I think she meant she would become sole guardian of the kids by having sole custody

sorry for more questions