[Solved] Hello - had to talk to someone

Hi,

Wow you sound like you're having a bit of a rough ride at the moment. There are loads a dads here who have gone through similar.

It must be tough for you being in the same house still. Did you have no clue that anything was up ?

Hello hallsie,

Welcome to DAD.

Separation after 17 years of marriage - I can't imagine how you must be feeling. I would guess that it must be incredibly scary for you and that you may feel like the rug has been pulled from under your feet.

I guess my first bit or advice is to try to keep everything as civil as possible, I guess it must be difficult both being in the same house at the moment. My next advice would be get organised. Between the two of you, you are going to have to unentangle (is that a word ?) two lives that have been joint for a long time.

If your not sure where to start or what to do you could check out the Divorce and Separation section on the main site or alternatively we offer a specialised coaching service for separating/separated fathers - you can check out details of this service here.

How are you doing ? It must have been hard to tell the kids, how did they coping ?

Chat soon.

Gooner

The kids took it really badly , that has upset me considerably and to be honest I dont know if I am coping well at all . I am trying to be amicable as possible with her but at some point things may or may not come to a head but this is what I am trying to avoid - there was no indication this was coming it was straight out of the blue and yes my whole world has been ripped apart . I am only 39 yrs old and have never been alone to be truthful so am aprehensive at best . There is a lot of self doubt setting in , what if's etc and I am struggling to get past this - trouble is I still love her unconditionally but that love is not returned and being under the same roof isnt helping. Neither of us are financially able to leave the family home which isnt helping I know but we have begun to "unravel" things such as bank accounts etc but things are still around the house such as gifts etc that she is making no attemp to put away of clear.

Hi Im so sorry to hear you are going through this. Have you thought of going to relate, they dont just help people patch things up but they can advise you on how to split up and ease the pain. Your wife does not have to go but it might help make some sense of it all

Hi there and welcome to the site

That is really rubbish news and I hope you get sorted soon

Do you think there is a chance of sorting it out - if so do whatever you can to sort it

Someone mentioned relate - do it if you have the opportunity - they actually succeed more than they fail but you BOTH have to want it to work.

Don't give up on your marriage unless you absolutely have to - it's worth fighting for

Good luck

Well we had a lengthy disagreement last night and it ended up with me in pieces , she was down on the sofa at this point when my mobile went off and she told me to be quiet so i hung up . A bout an hour later I was still lying wide awake and her I heard her come up the stairs and instantly thought "here we go again" but when she walked in there was this absolute sobbing wreck of a woman standing there. Then it all came out !
The last few weeks have been really difficult for me as my wife had been replaced by this cast iron emotionless b***h that was showing no remorse , guilt , anger etc where as I had/still am going through it all . She sat on the bed sobbing and saying I care for you so much but something is missing and not there anymore , she stated that she was ashamed of what she had done to me and the children and sorry for what she is putting me through but it is the right decision for her , seeing her in this state kind of made me feel better as ther is suddenly a human being there with a heart that is feeling this emotion and pain albeit differently to me but its made me feel better ( is that wrong ? ) to know that she still has feelings and still cares what happens to me after we go our sperate ways . Is is strange that I found some sort of comfort out of this - is it wrong that its made me feel better .
This morning I could see that she had been crying all night - maybe I need to give her space and go from there !

...I really feel for you both. I think she needs some space to get some perspective, because I think she is beginning to have doubts that what she is doing is really what she wants. Usually when we are doing something that we feel is right, we dont break down in the way she is doing. Could she be suffering from depression...perhaps you could suggest she goes to see her doctor. To go from being completely emotionless to being an emotional wreck might indicate some kind of mental breakdown.

Why dont you suggest she goes and stays with someone for a few days to think things through. Its not good for the children to witness this anguish and if she puts some distance between you it might help her to realize what is important here. We can all lose sight of that and being away from you all will give her a taste of the reality of seperation.

Have you asked her to try Relate or Mediation, I really do think some counselling might help you both, wether it be to bring you together or to help you both move on seperately.

Dont feel bad about feeling better seeing her distressed, its not that you like seeing her this way I'm sure. Its just made you feel not so alone and dare I say, maybe its given you some hope that theres a way back. As Super Mario says, dont give up, its worth fighting for.

Good luck with it all. 🙂

Thanks for your reply , as I stated in previous posts nobody in the family or friend circle saw this coming and I do mean absolutely nobody. I have spoken to my mother in law regarding a doctor etc this morning as I know my wife suffers from PMT and is on medication for this - but after what I saw last night i know this is something different. My mother in law has hardly spoken to my wife over any of this as my wife doesn't want to burden her with anything and was most shocked of all over her decision to end our marriage , and deeply upset by it but she has agreed to try to gey my wife to see somebody and see if there is anything more there - my gut feeling is something is broken / mis-firing as this is so out of character its like there is another person there and last night my wife tried to get through.

Well she's adamant she has made the correct decision so I think I will have to back off and see what happens !

...As she is the one thats wants to split, and you and the children are the "innocent victims" here, then she should be the one to leave in my opinion. If she wants you to be the one to go, I would argue your point...The children are old enough to have an opinion, at least the oldest two, what do they think should happen? I know it must be difficult to discuss this with them, but it affects their lives too.

I know if this were me and I was the instigator, I would expect to be the one to leave.

To be honest I have discussed it with the older one and have given him the choice of me or my wife , I have not brought this up with the others cos I cant bear to see the hurt in their eyes , I still love her deeply and I wont deny that to anybody but the love has gone from her side and I am just empty - it is very hard being under the same roof as her and trying to act normal for the kids sake but inside it is ripping me apart.

Hello Hallsie,

Reading your sad story was like reliving mine which happened almost 4 years ago, you have my deepest sympathy. There is so much pain and anguish that comes from a situation that happens as sudden and unexpected as this. My wife and I eventually divorced but I have learned much from my experience of the aftermath and if I can be of any help I would be more than happy to pass it on. It will feel like it's the end of the world but you must stay strong and in control, retain your dignity, ensure to the children that they are in no way to blame, and show some compassion to your wife even though you do not understand why she feels as she does. I would advise though that you suggest she moves out for a while to gather her feelings and emotions, being under each others feet leads to walking on eggshells and resentments easily begin, if possible I think it's best that the children stay with you in the marital home ( I think this is extremely important for their stability, for your focus and for your wife to have space with no pressures) but obviously with as much access as she needs.I once read that the general concensus by "experts" is if a marraige has a chance of repairing itself it will happen within 3 to 4 months of separation, I'm sure there are few others on here who have been in a similar position and will perhaps give better or more advice, but for now I hope this helps.

Hi , thanks for that . I am trying to be all that you have said in your response but knowing which way to turn is difficult . Being under the same roof is very hard for me as I want to carry on doing all the things that couples do but can't as from her there is nothing. The kids are doing really well at the moment but its because we are all in the same house - my wife would never leave the children to get space and fully expects them to go with her , i cannot deny her this as she dotes on them as they do mum .
I dont expect its going to be easy by any means and deep down I hope we can reconcile after all is said and done but at the moment that looks bleak at best .