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My partner and I recently brought into the world a lovely healthy son who was slightly premature by a small number of weeks.
From leaving the care of the hosptal we all moved into the partners residence of which was has been for the duration of just over two months.
During this time, I , the father, more or less became the 'live-out-of-the-car-and bag' lodger, where I would be transporting necessary clothing and items to and from my own place of residence as and when required for day to day living and not living at my own house.
I am in full time work while the partner remains at home with my son. My paternity leave amounted to two weeks.
Very recently I was given all of my possesions and told to leave.
I have also been told by my partner that she will tell me when I can see my own son.
This is very distressing as a first time father who loves and cares for his son.
I need and would appreciate help and advice from all and any angle to firstly put my nerves at rest and also to understand the best possible solution to where I see myself being at this time.
Help and advice is much needed and would be received gratefully.
N.
Hi and welcome,
sorry to hear of your troubles, has your childs mum given any reasons for any of this? were there any signs leading up to it?
How are things between the 2 of you? are you able to talk?
If you are then I would say that talking between the 2 of you to try to firstly understand why she has asked you to leave and then try to resolve or at least set up some sort of contact.
If your not able to talk, then maybe suggest you talk at mediation sessions where a 3rd party would be there to help talks and resolve conflict (if any) at this early age I would be expecting any extended time of contact but maybe 2-3 hrs a few times a week, but this can be increased as he gets older if your not able to resolve things with his mum.
What are you looking for from this? do you want to be in a relationship with his mum? or are you ok with the slpit and just want contact?
Darren
Hello Darren and thank you for getting back to me.
Well, since we moved out of the hospital after the birth and into her place, it has all started from there onwards really.
There is a teenage daughter in the equation, of which is not the problem, but for me I had no option but to move in because of the schooling and it made more sense that way. This is while on paternity and thereafter when back at work, which is fine.
I think the problem of us slowly getting riled up and at each others throats (the three of us that is) has been brought about because it is a confined space in itself, being a two bed flat with one living room, one bathroom etc.
We both come from backgrounds of being very independent, me living in my house alone for the majority of 11 years and likewise for her but bringing up the daughter also.
The way in which the partner defined the plan of looking after our son was for her to look after and feed him during the day while I was out at work, then on returning from work I would take over duties from her. A typical night would be for her to retire to bed at between 9 and 10 pm. The final feed of the day being at midnight which after all said and done with winding etc could mean me finally getting into bed at 01:30 sometimes 2 am ! Then the plan was for her to get up at 4 or thereabouts to start the timed interval feeds again.
Not sure if that cycle was fair on me or not ? After all, if I get no sleep in a day and have to go to work next day again it could be dangerous and also have no brain power/stamina for a new day of work.
Bottom line is she is very strong-willed, stubborn if you will, fiery temprement sometimes. I am resolute and stand up for what I think is right and will fight out a point strongly, which I think is half the problem between us.
It is just text talk at the moment and I don't like the way it is sounding, due to her indicating flat keys back and visiting etc ...
This is my only child and I'm 38, it is a big new step for me and I still can't believe I have a son sometimes because it is a fortunate situation to be in and all came about quite sudden in life.
Now the door is being slammed in my face just like that? My own son I cannot see? It is like she is saying "this is my son, I own him, your not entitled ..."
How can that be right, just because she is in her own castle, that wasnt my fault surely ?
I was hurt a few times along the way of the pregnancy and after it with arguments to the tune of " what have you done, nothing to help ..."
This damaged me internally as I thought I had always helped and been sympathetic to things, given that I am a full time worker including weekends sometimes.
As I said to her before, I lost the person from a year back that I knew. I dont despise of her or anything but there was damage to me as I pointed out above. I would rather not split, it seems unfair on everything that way, I would never have wanted that going into this, never intended it.
Throw into the equation me trying to sell my house for the last half year to get funds for a house for us all near her and that adds more tension to the situation, I mean, what now in that respect ?
There are more points I havent covered Im sure but I need to gather my thoughts, rest after getting in from work only a short while ago, and worrying the whole day about the events and not seeing my son today.
I hope you can get back to me again with some hope for me, as I am reaching out in desperation for anyone to listen and help me, guide me.
Many thanks,
N.
Hi N, thanks for sharing. It sounds really tough for you. I agree with Darren, before things turn nasty (and expensive!) I would look at mediation. Talking things through with a 3rd party would hopefully ensure things stay mature and reasonable. Easier said than done though. Keep us updated. I'm sure someone else will be along here soon to give their advice too.
Hello.
Once again may I thank everyone for much needed help advice and any reassurrance I may receive.
Can I be pointed in the right direction for "Mediation" as in contact names and numbers, websites etc
I will strongly suggest this to the partner as an option going forward as I think this would help and have often thought about this in the past, sometimes suggesting it too.
My final point for today which is what is worrying me at this time is what are my rights as it stands with what it appears currently to be my son being shielded away from me at the partners address and my Actual entitlement in seeing my son now !
It feels like she is saying she owns my son the whole 100% just because she is a mother and at her own property ?! I am one of two parents after all !
Please let me know of contact points and information points for the above.
Many thanks again.
N.
Hi
try this website: http://www.nfm.org.uk/where-is-my-nearest-service?view=location - that may help you to find a local mediation service.
Your son does not 'belong' to your ex - you do have a right to see him, but as the parent with care, your ex can currently control that contact. If mediation doesn't work, then you may be looking at a contact order, in which case, I'd read yoji's guide to representing yourself at the top of the legal section. If you don't have parental responsibility (are you named on the birth certificate?) then you could look at getting this either with a parental responsibility agreement during mediation, or from the court at the time you go for a contact order.
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