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Hi all, just a note to introduce myself. My name is Chris, I'm 32 and currently in the armed forces living in Southampton. I've got a 18 month old little girl and she lives with my partner in Cornwall. I'm hoping there is other dads in a similar situation that can offer advice and help reassure me.
I commute back and forth every two weeks and I love them both very much, but the seperation is getting the better of me. I hate it! I feel as though my little girl doesn't know me for what I am, her dad, and that the mother (my partner) isn't doing enough to enforce the bond between us. When I try and say anything I get shot down in a instant, I never know what to say or even know how to express my feelings properly, typical male squaddie. I feel inadequate as well as an outsider.
Any help, advice or even a shoulder to cry on would be greatly received. Thankyou
Hi Chris and welcome
Can you just clarify, are you still with your partner, or are you separated - I'm not quite sure from you post.
Yeah, sorry if it wasn't very clear.
We're still together, but were I live and work in Southampton she lives with me daughter in Cornwall
Wow that sounds tough - I guess you are in quarters down in Southampton?
Also are you permanently based there? If so would your partner not move to be with you (have to say if the choice was Cornwall or Southampton - would be a no brainer!)
If this is short term then you need to think about the longer term - and your daughter will definitely not forget you. She will miss you but she will also know that you love her.
Tough is an under-statement, all I want is for us to be a proper family. It's made harder when I see my mates with their partners and children.
I'm permanently based here in Southampton, might do a few months here and a few months there but nothing longer than about three months (tops).
I've tried to talk to my partner about moving up, she knew I was joining the army when we met and one of our very first conversations was about the idealistic house, fence etc here in Southampton.
In the last year or so we even started looking at home swapping to a place here but since that night I don't think she has even looked! She has really dug her heels in. All that happens now is we argue and then she says she won't even contemplate moving up when I'm being like I am.
It's getting really stressful, I find being in Cornwall soo negative. But as soon as I get on the train to come back up it's like having a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.
It's tricky to give advice as the only people who know how to resolve the situation are the two of you. However, would it be worth considering contacting Relate (but speak to your partner to say you would like to do this for the sake of the relationship). One other possible option - would your partner consider renting the house out over holiday periods and living with you for those periods - it depends a lot on her job, of course.
Not sure what to advise as Actd is right in that you two need to compromise.
It is clear you want to be together and the little one would benefit from the family - have you thought about inviting her for the weekend to spend some time with you to meet some of your colleagues and speak to the other wives/partners - encourage her to ask questions about being an army wife.
Wish you the best - stay in touch
- Samaritans – call 116 123
- Shout – text the word ‘Shout’ to 85258
