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Well, where do I start? I got married in 1996. My first, her second. I guess that should have set alarm bells ringing! My wife became gradually more controlling during our marriage, almost without me noticing. We have 2 children, now 14 and 12. The youngest is autistic, and therefore quite hard work.
We moved to from the South to Lancashire in 2000, just after he was born. My ex is from Lancs, and property is cheaper up here, plus she said her family would be able to help out with childcare etc. So there I was, hundreds of miles from my own family and friends, and working my socks off to support my family. Started my own business a couple of years later, which was pretty successful, and we moved to a huge 6 bedroom house.
Now, I should point out at this stage that around the time we met I was on the point of bankruptcy, not as a result of bad money management, but simply due to the recession at the end of the 80s which left me in a severe negative equity situation. As my wife was a trained bookkeeper, she saw this as an opportunity to control things and decided she would manage the household finances, and I was happy for her to do this at the time. However, although I had built up a successful business SHE wouldn't let me have access to my own money! If I needed to buy so much as a pint of milk I had to ask her for the money and bring back the change and a receipt!
I wasn't allowed my own friends, and had to ask permission to leave the house.
The controling behavious was so gradual and so maniplulative that I didn't see it happening, but my friends and family did. I did EVERYTHING, not just "bringing home the bacon", but also most of the childcare, leaving work early every day to do the school run and look after the children. If the children needed to go anywhere it was ME who took them. I cooked, cleaned, fixed up the house, everything... Meanwhile SHE would sit on her fat [censored] watching Big Brother of some other shite on the TV. She really was and is the laziest, most selfish woman you will ever meet.
[censored] was infrequent to say the least (once a month tops), and on the rare occasion it did happen, I was expected to give her a massage or cook here a meal before I was allowed near her. She would then undress in the dark (I didn't see my wife naked for years), jump on top of me, and get it over and done with as quickly as possible.
I got no affection, no love, no appreciation. I started to feel like I was worthless and unattractive.
Then I met someone.
She was in a similar situation, living with a control freak. We became friends, and tried to give eachother advice on how to get our lives back and repair our relationships. Inevitably we became closer, and we fell in love. We realised we no longer wanted to be with our controlling partners, and wanted to be together. (I'm starting to hear Simon Bates' "Our Tune" music in my head, are you?)
Our affair continued for about 2 years, during which we both became cold and isolated from our partners, who both obviously started to become suspicious. Last April I left my wife, went back after a couple of months for the sake of my children, but it was never going to work, so I moved out in November 2011.
My girlfriend has also left her partner, but we are renting our own places. My children stay with me 2 nights during the week and every other weekend (well, I SAY weekend, but in reality it's only Saturday night, as my ex is manipulating the childcare to try and establish herself as the main carer)
We are going through a very expensive and very bitter divorce, which will end up costing us each around £20k. She thinks she should be entitled to 60% of the equity in the family home, PLUS 100% of the commercial property we also own. She is receiving £1500 per month in benefits, and is trying to establish herself as the main carer so that she can retain all of this as her own, IN ADDITION to whatever the CSA tell me I have to pay.
I think she is hoping to end up mortgage free in a big house with enough income to never work again.
2 weeks after I moved out she spent £5k on a [censored] job, but says she can't afford the mortgage or to feed the children!
Anyone got a voodoo doll?
Hi There
Thanks for sharing, you have been very open which many aren't!
I think your in a situation that many of us have gotten into, By fighting it out and getting stubborn over the percentage stake you manage to hold onto from the house, you have managed to rack up huge legal fees which "may" end up out waying the extra percentage you have been fighting for.
When you are so far in it's always feels easier to keep fighting rather than backing down as you get into a rut of "well i've come this far" I did this and ended up further out of pocket than I would have if i'd just swallowed my pride and taken the lessor amount.
I don't know when it comes to the comercial business though as mine was only a house, and I guess for you, you have worked hard on it and kept the house going from your earnings ect, that said your ex can claim that she has worked on this too by book keeping and staying home to look after the children (no matter how little she has actually done) allowing you to work without child care costs ect.
I'd say just maybe take a step back and look at what this will possibly end up costing in regards to the cost of fighting it out.
Good luck and keep us posted.
Darren
Hi Darren,
No, she didn't stay at home to look after the kids. She has a retail business and website, which she has allowed to run down to a virtually profitless point. This is so that she can claim that she is living off the benefits and has zero borrowing capacity. She intends to use this to show that she should get enough cash to buy a house outright for around £300-350k.
I'm convinced that once we have a settlement, if she gets the business premises in the deal (on the grounds that it is the place from which she runs her business), she will close the business and sell the shop premises, giving her another C£90k.
I figure if it costs me £20k to save 10% of my assets it will be worthwhile!
The fact is that I will make the money again, whilst she has limited earning potential, so in the end I will still be laughing, but I refuse to let her win!
UPDATE:
On Tuesday I returned home after a couple of days away and a neighbour that a man had been knocking on my door on Tuedsay morning and asking after me. She described him as dressed all in black, wearing a Helle Hansen bomber jacket, around 6'2" with stubble and short hair. Large build. He has also been seen parked in the road outside later that day. I contacted the police, as I have received threats from my girlfriend's ex. He then turned up later that evening, while my children were with me. I refused to open the door and we all went upstairs and hid in the bedroom. He was very agressive and intimidating, and at no point did he explain who he was or what he wanted. I called the police again (several times) and eventually 2 officers arrived 45 minutes later, by which time my children were in tears. They spoke to the man then came to speak to me, and explained he was there to serve a Non-Molestation Order against me, instigated by my wife! I told them that I didn't want to speak to or see the man as my children were frightened and I felt intimidated and harassed. He came back the next day and posted it through my letter box.
Not only has she taken out this injunction against me, but the allegations she has made agaisnt me are so serious that the court have decided that I can't see my children as they think I pose a threat to them! My wife apparently told them that I do not and that I'm a good dad, but they said that it was not her decision to make.
I now have to attend court at some point when they will decide whether and when I can see my children!
I am obviously extremely upset by this. I cannot believe the lengths my ex will go to in order to hurt and upset me.
Would you have answered the door to this man???
Hi there
It seems you are a victim of the dirty tricks during a divorce campaign.
If I were you I would settle now and hope that you can get the injunction overturned and then get access to the kids
Wish you well
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