[Solved] I want to see my little girl

Hi,

This is appalling, as many stories are, but there are a lot of stories on here which should give you hope.

You need to speak to the childrens Legal Centre for advice. In theory, you should go for mediation first, but since you have already come to an agreement which your ex has backed out of, I'd be inclined to skip this step and consider going straight to court on the basis that you could easily justify that mediation would not achieve anything (except to delay matters) as your ex won't stick to any agreement.

Since there is a history of violence by your ex (and, though it's often less reported, is a lot more common than people generally suppose), would you consider that it's not safe for your children to continue living with your ex? If so, then you could look at going for residence, though this will be a harder battle.

At the very least though, you definitely want to go for a contact order as soon as possible. Your ex's behaviour in refusing access, and everything she has done should be brought up in court, so that the judge can make it clear to your ex what the penalties of not complying are (it's contempt of court, and is viewed very seriously - I've said this before, but it's worth asking the judge, while in court, but after the order is made, what the penalties would be if she fails to comply - assuming he hasn't already said so - this means your ex may well get a stern lecture from the judge explaining very clearly what may happen if she fails to comply).

The CLC will explain the procedure in more detail, but I'd start it as quickly as possible.

One final point, you are correct that you cannot do anything in court about your 17 year old, but equally, your ex can't do anything to prevent her seeing you as often as she wishes.

Hi Hillclimber,

I have asked the CLC to pop by and give you some advice.

Gooner

Hi again, thanks for the responses. I will see what the CLC say, but I am feeling very low about the whole business at the moment. I will fight for my daughter, as I believe she wants to have a relationship with me. The older one - well she has been fed so many lies by my ex she is probably one angry young lady at the moment, but I am hopeful she will, one day, begin to see things a bit differently and realise I had to leave. She was witness to a lot of the abuse. I think she will get in touch, but it may take quite a while. I can wait for her.
My son is autistic and although he probably wouldn't say much one way or the other, if I can get to see my youngest, he will eventually want to come along too.
My ex is so devious and totally uncaring as far as the children's wishes are concerned. She is solely intent on my destruction. She nearly succeeded but I escaped. I don't however believe she would physically harm the children although I do believe she is mentally abusing them by preventing them from seeing their daddy. Social services don't recognise this as mental abuse though (despite what they may say in their websites!). I have tried that route. They are not interested. They contact my ex, she lies to them, they accept what she says and go away again!
No one is prepared to ask the children what they want.

Hi Hillclimber

Fighting for your daughter is an excellent way to show you care, and it will also help you as you'll feel a lot less helpless about the whole situation.
Once you get to court, if the court doesn't suggest it, ask if Cafcass can be involved as you are concerned that the children aren't being considered. At 7, the court won't place too much weight on her wishes, but they will certainly take the Cafcass officers report into account, and they will probably look at the whole background. In my case, my ex spun all sorts of lies to the Cafcass officer, but the officer was extremely astute and was able to see through them to produce very good reports for the court. I'm not sure of the position with respect to your son, so hopefully the CLC will advice you on where you can go from here.

Is there any way you can contact your oldest daughter in writing (email or facebook for instance) where your ex can't intercept the messages? If so, you could try writing on a regular basis - don't criticise your ex, just focus on the positive stuff, and write on a regular basis, whether you get a reply or not, unless she asks you not to.

Hi again.
My daughter is 9 not 7 so she is capable of saying what she wants. But no one can or will ask her. Everyone takes her mother's word as her wishes. As for my older daughter, I do write to her every week but I don't think she receives the letters. I believe her mother intercepts them as she can tell they are from me. I have never said anything about the divorce, her mother, any negative things at all in any letter to my children. I am very careful not to go down that route. I talk about what they are doing, how school is going, what they want/got for christmas/birthdays etc. I don't tell them about my life with my new partner in case it upsets them. I talk about my racing cycling, my training, my work and things like the weather etc. Chatty things but nothing controversial. I also tell them I love them, miss them and hope to see them soon and enclose my phone numbers and email address. I don't think they receive the letters though as I never get a reply nor a thank you for gifts etc. I dread to think what she is telling them. She clearly has no intention of letting me near them. I have done nothing wrong, there is no history of violence from me only towards me, no police actions, no harm done to them by me, yet no one wants to help me. Social services say they have no powers to intervene. I have always had a very good relationship with all three children, but I cannot get past my ex to see or speak to them. She has even changed their mobile numbers so I cannot text. I have trawled facebook for my daughter and sent some "are you my daughter?" messages to 'her name' when I have found one that isn't obviously someone else, but no response. I don't know what she has been told about me. Her mother has had a year to poison her mind against me. She's probably been told I have never written or asked how they all are in all that time. I don't know. Her mother has told far worse lies in the past.

Hi

Apologies for getting your daughter's age wrong, no idea where I got 7 from. This is good, as the older she gets, the more the court take the view that she knows what she wants. As I said, you want Cafcass involved, they will speak to her away from your ex, and will get a good picture of what she wants. In your case, when you ask for a contact order, it won't just be for when you see your children, but also other forms of contact, such as phone, letters email etc, so your ex would be in breach if she prevents any of these from happening, so if she changes their mobile numbers, she would have to inform you of any new number - I'm not sure of the position here, CLC will advise, but it's worth finding out whether you can have phone contact with them at their school (obviously the school would have to agree this) - perhaps if you provide a mobile phone especially for this purpose to be kept at school - that way you could speak to her when she's away from your ex.

I agree that your ex is probably intercepting your letters - is there any way you can get a letter to her away from your ex, such as through a friend?

The situation may seem hopeless, but believe me, it's not - I've been through a pretty hard situation myself (though my ex wasn't physically violent towards me) and now have custody of my children - my youngest sees my ex once a month through supervised contact, and my oldest daughter has only seen my ex once in over 5 years (that's my daughter's choice, not my doing) and has very rare email contact with her, so I'm speaking from experience of what can be done.

My advice is to speak to the CLC and get the legal proceses moving as soon as possible - it's just feasible that if your ex sees that you are prepared to go to court, she may be a little more amenable to contact as anything else will reflect very badly on her in court.

Dear Hillclimber,

I am very sorry to hear of your problems securing contact with your children.

Unfortunately due to professional conduct restrictions if a solicitor is instructed in the matter we cannot provide legal advice.

You could apply to court for a contact order which would be legally binding upon your former partner and which would hopefully provide for more contact with your children.

If you consult our website you should be able to find information on how to proceed with the matter: http://www.childrenslegalcentre.com/Legal+Advice

If you are not instructing a solicitor or your circumstances change and you stop instructing a solicitor please do contact us on 0808 802 0008.

Yours sincerely,

The Children’s Legal Centre

To Clc - I am not instructing a solicitor as I said in my first post. I paid legal fees of £5000 from the £10,000 divorce settlement, I got in recognition of 22 years' hard work for that woman. I cannot afford any more. I earn £6500 gross a year and she rakes in £24500 in benefits for doing nothing yet she qualifies for legal aid and I don't. She doesn't care how much public money she wastes and neither apparently does her solicitor!

Hi Hillclimber,

I'd give CLC a ring asap to clarify that you no longer have a solicitor and get advice on applying for a court order.

I have asked the CLC pop back and give you some advice.

Gooner

Dear Hillclimber,

As I mentioned in the earlier post if your former partner is preventing you from having sufficient contact with your children you can apply to the family proceedings court for a contact order which would be a legally binding order upon you and your former partner and would provide set times for you to have contact. Contact is the right of the child and the courts do promote contact between children and their parents as long as there are no welfare concerns.

Before applying for a contact order, it would be advisable that you and your former partner attempt to reach an agreement through mediation. The National Family Medication can provide help for you and your former partner to achieve this; their telephone number is: 01392 271610. If you do apply to court for an order the judge will look to whether you have attempted to reach an agreement outside of the court and he/she may not look favourable upon your application if he/she does not feel you have adequately attempted to reach an agreement before applying to the court.

If you cannot reach an agreement outside of the courts then a court order may be necessary. To make an application for a contact order you need to complete a form called C100 which you can download from http://www.hmcourts-service.gov.uk . There are two other forms, CB1 and CB3, which you can also download from the above web site which are guidance notes for completing the C100 and the process that that entails.

The application will cost £200. It may be worth completing an EX160A if you feel you are exempt from this fee. You should then submit this form with your application.

You should submit your completed application to the family proceedings court closest to where your children are living. The family proceedings court will be housed either in the Magistrates’ or County Court.

Your ex partner will be able to contest your application for a contact order but it is down to the Judge to decide what form of contact should be made available to you.

If you have any further questions please do contact us on 0808 8020 008.

Yours sincerely,

The Children’s Legal Centre

Hey Hillclimber

Good luck with it all - I hope you get a favourable outcome

Thanks.
I've been getting some emails purporting to be from my youngest daughter, but I suspect they are from the ex. She is still 'playing with my head', by making out I can see my daughter, but that it is me that is causing problems! I have tried everything to see her, solicitors, schools, social services, school welfare, the lot.
I managed to get copies of the two youngest children's school reports for last year. My son has attendance record of only 53%! and my daughter has 76%. this is disgraceful. I rang the school welfare to tell them to do something about it as the kids can't afford to lose so much school and was told I was responsible for getting them to school! I could be prosecuted if they fail to attend! How does that work? I don't live with them. I can't be there every morning to get their mother's a&*se off the bed and get them out! Parental responsibility means I am responsible for their actions, but it doesn't mean I have any rights to know anything about what is happening to them or see them! Who made up these ridiculous laws?

was told I was responsible for getting them to school! I could be prosecuted if they fail to attend!

This was mentioned in another thread a few weeks back. In theory, yes you can be prosecuted, but the CPS should apply a test of being in the public interest before they prosecute, and this clearly isn't. In addition, if they did decide to prosecute, you would have, at the very least, a compelling mitigating argument that you had no control over the situation. Realistically, if there was going to be a prosecution for this, the CPS would be far more likely to go after the real culprit - ie your ex.

The documentation you have will be very useful to present to a court, and the fact that SS have said you could be prosecuted would be a good argument for you to have a greater say in the upbringing of your daughter.

Don't give up on seeing your Daughter, there is light at the end of the tunnel for you. You must get a contact order from the court, even if you are only offered 1 hour a week at a contact centre take it and go each week. Slowly you will get more and more time with your kids.

hi
im totally new at this and on this site and after reading your story i just had to let u know that my heart goes out to you seriously man ,its really rediculous the lengths that some women go to just out of spite.
i can only imagine how [censored] and low u must of been before you left....having been in a bad place myself for about 3 years (lost my job,we split,got a flat on my own,couldnt handle it missing the kids and her and all the rest of the [censored] in between. i also ended up attempting suicide whic led to me waking up in hospital on a ventilator (4 days) i just couldnt cope with it anymore and said ta ta but here i am i shhouldnt be here but i am and i treasure that fact now.
its always gettting thrown in my face though by the ex she wont let me forget it even though it was a lot to do with her that i ended up in such a mess.

anyways man i hope u get to see your kids soon
always the good guys ,who love and care ,that get it worse

peace love harmany

very best of luck to you

neil 🙂

Hey,

I found this article quite interesting and encouraging in my personal circumstances and hope it will give you strength not to give up seeing your daughter, ever:

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/families/article6919217.ece

some bits of the article that can help you now and in the future are:

"Keep in daily contact with your child: texts, cards, e-mails, Facebook, Twitter — use anything that keeps you communicating."

"Don’t allow living in another town or country from your children to make a difference. Use technology to stay in touch and meet them as often as possible."

Good luck!

A sympathetic father 😉

Hi all, and thank you for your messages. I have had a bit of trouble getting back into the site for some reason, have had to reset my password now.
Good news! I have seen my little girl three times now!
I don't know what prompted the change of heart on my ex's behalf, she went from keeping the kids off school because I said I would call in to have a half hour chat with them in their lunch break, to her telling her solicitor she is willing to make a fresh proposal for contact! I didn't trust her, still don't, but I went along with her proposal and hey presto! I was able to take my daughter out for the evening. It was wonderful after 15 months of trying. I have seen her each Friday now, which is great. I think the fact that she was being told by school, social services, education welfare office and probably her neighbours, that I was not going to give up and would do all it takes including court proceedings, to see my kids. I also think, from what her solicitor said, that she maybe has been told they will not publicly fund her 'messing about'. Whatever the reason, I have my daughter back. I also had a brief chat with my eldest and there is hope there too.
My son, who is autistic, has apparently gone right down hill and won't go to school. My ex texted me last week saying she could not get him out of the house and it is my responsibility , as his father, to do something!
So she keeps me from him for 15 months then has the gall to tell me I have to do something because she can't deal with him! If she had allowed me to see him from day one, I would have had him out and about etc. He would not be the recluse she has turned him into! I am dealing with it through social services and welfare etc. I still can't go near her, she is too dangerous.
I feel for the guy who tried to commit suicide. I've been there several times mate. Believe me, things do get better. Remember it is HER, not YOU, who is sick in the head. We try and keep things together, for our kids, but sometimes you have to admit you can't take any more and the kids are better off without the fights and misery. They need their dad - he's no good to them 6ft under! Be there for them and hopefully you will find things get easier to bear. I have a new relationship, someone who really cares about me and my plight with my kids. Life is a whole lot different from 18 months ago! Hang in there and believe in yourself.

This is an excellent result, well done. It may be worth dropping a letter to her solicitor just to confirm the new arrangements (unless you already have this) - that way if, for any reason, your ex reverts to her old ways, then you have something else you can use in court to help you. But again, well done 😀

Great news mate! That should bring hope to all other dads in similar situations out there.

There is always hope. You just have to keep strong for your children.