Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
Hi,
I dont know if I have typed this into the right bit or not or if this is allowed or not but I have signed up to this under my son's name and would like to ask some questions if that is ok as i cant find any forums with the same circumstances as ours.
My 21 yr old son had a brief encounter with a 20 yr old girl who decided to keep their resulting baby. Due to her reputation he wasnt convinced that the child was his until he had a DNA test done when the baby was born, which she had no issues with and said the door was always open for him if he wanted to be involved. He did always say he would step up if the baby was his and I'm proud to say, he totally has. I got in touch with the girl and met up with her and her mother on numerous occasions before the birth, did all the usual granny things like buying her a pram, car seat, monitor etc and loads of clothes and much more and was invited to be the second birthing partner when the baby was born. I was the next person to hold the baby after her and her mother when she was born. My son and her went to register the birth and she said she wanted to speak with him before he officially got to see the baby. Then she texted saying that we were to come over with my son and he could bath his daughter. I thought all was well. My son instantly fell in love with the baby and totally wants to be her daddy, has sorted out paying her maintenance (which is actually more than the CSA guidelines are saying he has to pay - but they are not involved) and will also buy for her outwith the maintenance. A few visits to her house have been made by my husband, me, my son, and a couple of my friends (who were invited to come with me when she had a baby shower!) and we were led to believe that we could have the baby at our house next weekend so i organised a photographer to come as we have no decent pictures yet of us all with the baby. Her family and friends have all met the baby and they have hundreds of pictures so I didnt think it was unreasonable for us to want a few hours to get some snaps.
Out of the blue she has decided that we cannot have the baby for this event and that she is too uncomfortable to come to our house with her so that we can get some nice pictures taken. She has not denied my son or us access to the baby but says it HAS to be at her mothers home with her present and my son is not allowed to have the baby on his own even for an hour or two. She lives with her mum and dad at the moment.
Her current boyfriend (whom she picked up when she was 5 months pregnant) is to be called daddy and she is hoping to move in with him as soon as they can get a place.
She is breastfeeding and making a huge thing about the fact that she cannot express enough to let the baby out of her sight and that she is feeding on demand almost every hour of the day. She reckons she will breastfeed for at least 6 months and that MAYBE once she stops her mother MIGHT bring the baby to our house for my son to see and he will MAYBE get her for a day and build up to overnight access.
My son is understandably distraught at the fact he is now emotionally attached to this child and can barely even look at her without the mother and her family hovering over him in their house. She says it is too awkward to bring the baby to our house (she spent her pregnancy saying she would be delighted to spend time at mine!) but she doesnt expect it to be awkward for my son to be at hers!
Its all so unfair and out of the blue.
Ive racked my brains and the only thing i can see that has offended her is the fact i wanted to have photographs taken - but really - is that offensive and does it justify whats happening??
I really really need to know if my son is entitled to see his daughter ON HIS OWN even for an hour or two as she is making it clear that he cannot. Neither my son nor my family are interested in tearing the baby away for days or nights just now and of course we are happy she is breastfeeding but we are so hurt that she will not make an effort to allow just a few wee hours for photos. What are my sons rights? I can only find stuff that says he is entitled to access. I know this and she is not denying it. I just need to know is he is allowed access with her NOT there! He only expects a wee bit of time to start with until the baby does less of the demand feeding. Are we being unreasonable? If anyone can help I'd be most grateful.
Hi and welcome to the forum
Unfortunately, you and your son are in the position that, without a contact order, the mother, as the parent with care can control who your granddaughter sees and when.
At this stage, the mother isn't denying contact, so I would suggest that your son speaks to her and suggests mediation, it would be far better if they can come to an amicable agreement rather than resort to the courts, which will almost make contact far more difficult than it is at the moment.
As a matter of interest, are you and your son based in England or Scotland - it is only relevant if we need to seek advice in the future from the CCLC.
Hi, thanks very much for your reply, it's appreciated.
This is what I thought myself as it's pretty much all the information and advice that seems to be given. Nothing anywhere seems to give you a clear-cut answer on his legal entitlement, it all just says try to work things out etc etc. We dont for a minute want to start disrupting the relationship that I thought we had built up by going down a legal route, it just appears that she is now going back on everything she said and we only want a wee slice of time for my son and us as a family to get to know and love the baby. Due to the things we did and spoke about before the babys birth I imagined it would be plain sailing and my son would pop in on his way home from work 2 or 3 times a week to see her and have her one day at the weekend at our house until she was older, but that image is fast disappearing 🙁
I think there is pressure from the boyfriend too and they are trying to get a place together. It's worrying for me as I think if that happens my son will be made feel even more uncomfortable if he is still only allowed to go to their place to see her.
I just think it's so ridiculous that the mother can call all of the shots. I could understand if my son was a no-good waste of space but he's an ordinary lad who even got himself a better white collar job with more money so that he could afford to provide properly for his daughter. Ive been on all sorts of forums for the mums and I've yet to find anyone who says "actually, i want my baby to know her dad and he's a good bloke even although we're not together"! It's all about how difficult they can make it for the dads to see their kids.
I wish all of you dads well and admire your efforts in wanting to maintain contact and have a good relationship with your children. As a mum I'm trying to see both sides but it seems that most of the mums are really just spiteful at the end of the day!
Thanks again.x
Hi there
Firstly well done for posting on here and being honest - everyone is welcome and like dads many people forget that grand parents are affected too. Many of us on here are not experts but have life experiences - some have endured divorce or losing their kids, most have suffered at some point or know others that have and there are no easy solutions.
The key to this is dialogue and your son's ex can play it via the informal route as she is doing or if she starts playing silly beggars then perhaps look to proper contact orders.
I think you need to take it slow as she will restrict access if she feel pressured.
It will be tough but it will be worth it - being an involved grand parent has got to make it worth it.
Good luck and stay in touch
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.