[Solved] Newbie

Welcome to DadTalk Scottles,

How old are your lads ? tell us some more about yourself mate.

Gooner

Hi - I agree with Gooner - tell us some more mate.

Hey welcome........

looking forward to reading your posts man

Hi guys,
Thanks for taking the interest in this.
I am from Scotland originally who met the ex as she worked with me in England. To cut a long story short, I moved to Australia with her when she returned home. The realtionship was quite volatile over the last 10 years. We had 2 boys, 8 and 4 who I adore. I tried leaving the relationship a couple of times over the last few years but somehow staying there so I could be close to the kids, she would use the kids to get me back, sometimes using my personal upbringing as a tool. This year I had enough, I have had 3 seperate counsellorsnbwho advised me to get out the relationship but I know she would not let go so easily. I literally left the country under the cover of darkness and moved back to old blighty.
I am starting from scratch and struggling at the moment. I do everything I can to stay in touch with my boys, but she dominates the conversations and sometimes it gets into a barney before the kids get on the phone.
She is reluctant to settle the finances (3 properties) and is that gatekeeper in regards to the kids. Suppose I am looking for advice on how to support the kids through this. I pay my way with the kids and want to maintain that contact but she is making it difficult.
Any ideas??
Thanks guys

Hi Scottles

welcome to the site. I'm afraid I cant offer much advice, having never been in your situation, or similar, but hope it gets easier for you.

Hi Scottles and welcome to the forum.

First thing I'd suggest is to try to get your sons set up with skype and arrange fixed times to speak to them - you need to keep in as much contact with them as possible as they are probably very confused as to why you have left, and will only have your ex's version of what's happened.

Hi scottles

Firstly I would like to say that I think its great that that you are doing all you can to keep a strong contact with your boys.

Going through a relationship breakup can be incredibly hard for everyone but when children are involved, it adds a lot of other complications.

I'm a non-resident dad too and rebuilding your life after you leave the family home can seem like a daunting task.

One thing you must do is get all the help and support you can and don't be afraid to rely on friends and family to help see you through the difficult times - its so important to keep yourself well and healthy.

The issues you mentioned to do with the houses and money are important to resolve but try to deal with them seperately from the contact you have with your children. If you are making contact with them and these issues get bought up, try to diffuse the situation by arranging an appropriate time when you can discuss these seperately from contact with your boys. Acknowledge that you want to talk about it but that it would be better to do with just your ex. Set a time and also a list of things that need to be discussed and stick to them.

If a conversation is going downhill and you find yourself heading towards an argument, step back and think of a different way to approach the problem or come back to it later. If you always strive to act in a calm and reasonable way, she will find it hard to retaliate negatively and this will help stop you reacting to things that might be said.

I couldn't agree more with actd - setting up a skype account is a great way to maintain face to face contact and is something i've just started doing with my son... Its great! There are lots of other ways to maintain contact too like email and letters. Making contact like this can remove the risk of an argument - although I realise at 4 this can be tricky.

Its really important that they know how much you care for them and you can do this just by reassuring them and asking about all the things that interest them and letting them be open about how they feel about all that is going on. Its important they feel confident about talking to you about difficult things without it making you obviously angry or upset.

You have to work very hard to get to the point where this is workable but it is well worth the effort. Please keep me up to date with how things are going. I'm sure your journey and experiences will help others who are going through similar problems.

Hi there

Sounds like you are having a tough time and would like to have the magic cure.

Great idea about skype and you can make that a regular thing (its all about routine!) but I would persevere with your ex without making her feel pressured (she will feel you are trying to take the control away) - however the distance will always prove to be a massive obstacle.

It is important to tell the boys you are there for them and that you love them.

Stay in touch with any further news