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My wife (W) says I have a problem, I don’t quite see it that way. Three times in the last year I have smacked our little girl, who is now just over three years old. My wife sees this in black and white terms – I am physically abusing our daughter (D) so I am out of control and therefore W needs to protect D. This has put great strain on our marriage.
We have been married forever and known each other even longer. D arrived after years of trying and truly is a gift. I adore D and she loves me too, I believe we have a good father/daughter relationship.
When I have smacked D it has been a single smack to the bottom or legs, there have been no marks or bruising. I have certainly made contact but not in a violent or vindictive way. My reason for smacking each time was sustained naughty or defiant behaviour.
I am struggling to see why this is wrong, but in our PC society I understand that smacking is frowned upon, even though it is not yet against the law. Is “reasonable chastisement†the term? Irrespective of that W is very protective and spoke to our GP and health visitor about it. I am extremely concerned that D could be taken away from us and this is the threat which has made me get some guidance on this forum.
Both me and W were brought up in traditional homes and are middle-class, middle-aged professionals, a comfortable existence. D is now our life. After having such a harmonious relationship for decades we are now at odds with each other. I don’t want my relationship with D to be characterised by the smacking, but equally I expect good behaviour from her. Generally she is a dream but just occasionally I see a defiant streak in her - one of my own traits when I was a child.
We were brought up in an era when children were smacked. W reckons she was never smacked, which I doubt. I am sure I was smacked but cannot remember specific incidents, my memory can be selective.
I don’t see myself as having a short temper but I do know that after being pushed too far my normal placidness disappears. I don’t see myself as stressed to an unreasonable degree (everybody has to cope with stress these days) and I am not the type of person who could accept counselling.
Something has to change and W expects me never to smack D again. I would love to say that I won’t but I cannot be certain. W tells me that I need help – she might be right but I don’t know what that help would be.
I hope to tap in to the collective wisdom of the dads here!
PS I am a newbie.
A tricky one - whether it is right or wrong, what it is doing is to put a strain on your marriage, so I'd say that that is reason enough to find a resolution.
You mentioned that you know you can be pushed to far, and at age 2 - 3, children are experimenting with the limits that they can push, so you are perhaps falling victim to this. One solution to try (may be the easy way out) is to agree with your wife that if your daughter is pushing too far, that you take a step back and let your wife take over and resolve it - there would have to be a condition that your wife doesn't simply give in to your daughter's demands.
It is a tough one ans I think that smacking is very much a last resort for when they have done very naughty. That way they know they have overstepped the mark.
I agree with Actd though and that it shoud come between you and your wife to the point that she doesnt trust you. I think you need to talk to her and say that it is because you dont know what else to do in the extreme times you have done it.
Kids do get better as they get older as you can explain what it is.
Good luck with it
Hi
It is a tricky one, many believing nowadays that smacking is an outdated punishment. Taking a firm line doesn't mean you have to use physical punishment as policy to discipline children. All it teaches them is that's OK to use violence to get your own way over someone smaller. Of course, we nearly all smack our kids once in a while, because we're only human, but it quickly becomes less and less effective as a deterrent.
Other methods such as 'time out' - removing your daughter from a situation for a set number of minutes. Make sure you give an explanation and/or apology to your daughter though.
Or the dreaded naughty step. Again an explanation and/or apology might be needed before the child is allowed off the step.
hi id just like to say that i on occasion have smacked my son lightly on the backside or a little tap on the fingers when he is being naughty , my wife dosnt like it either as she says its being to harsh on him but standing shouting at a 3 year old to stop being naughty as she does dosnt seem to work where as a little tap on the backside does stop him , i was brought up that way and it taught me to do as i was told , and to have respect for parents so to me there is nothign wrong with it .
Personally, both me and my wife think smacking is ok and have smacked all of our 4 kids. However, we both draw a HUGE line and never smack out of anger. If either of us are angry, we don't smack our kids, but a controlled smack we consider okay.
And we make sure our kids understand exactly why we are smacking them. We explain to them before we smack them of the reason for the smack and then after we remind them that we love them and give them time to calm down.
The PC brigade normally go crazy at the thought but we must remember that it has only been frowned upon for the last 10 years or so. I have NEVER heard of anyone who has had any negative lasting effects of a simple smack.
In anticipation of different views.....
I agree totally with you on that daddy , as long as the kid knows what its for and not in anger it acceptable , remember this rule about smacking came from the same people that said that all bananas on sale must not be to bendy , or too yellow !!!
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