[Solved] unhappy (early) days

Hi Prince,

Welcome to the site, I'm sorry to hear that you have found us under these circumstances, but these days its bocoming more and more common.

You can go for full access and it is possible to gain, but i'd think about how that would work, I think things are possibly stacked against you to get full access unless there are specific circumstances it does tend to go towards the mother remaining in the stronger possition. The fact that she has admited in the past that she isn't able to cope won't always count, the courts tend to look forward rather than back, they would clearly take neglect or similar into account, but that's different to not being able to cope.

As for moving out and finding your own place, can you give more detail as to your current situation?

Things like is the family home owned/mortgaged/rented

I don't know that your ex is obligated to get a job not sure that could be enforced but from memory when I split with my ex my solicitor told me she had an obligation to ensure she maximises her income, so using any benifits that she may be entitled too.

You wouldn't be expected to cover 2 homes only your own, you will have to contribute though through child maintenance for your children, and possibly if you end up in court she could apply for spousal maintenance also.

On a more personal note though don't try to remain too strong, I mean don't be afraid to admit to people whats going on or how your feeling, bottling things up can make things seem a whole lot worse than they are and can make you feel very down.

You can drop by here anytime you like to talk ask questions or simply let off steam.

If the 2 of you are able to talk things through and agree on your own that is always better than involving outside parties, but if your not look towards mediation first as this option can be quicker, cheaper and less stressful than court.

One last thing, if you suspect in anyway that you may have a battle on the way before you agree on an out comeI would make sure that you save every bit of communication between you in case you need it in the future.

Darren

Thank you Darren

Your clear thinking supports my understanding of my predicament. I feel really peeved as, whilst I recognise my relationship with my wife is next to non-existent, I do have mitigating circumstances. I have a chronic neuro condition that I had to undergo brain and spinal surgery 4 years ago. The symptoms I am left with are moderate nerve pain and depression. Anyone knowing of depression understands that it has a very broad range of symptoms. Mine are tiredness and lethargy as well as a tendency to become immersed in a repetitive (some might say boring!) routine. I have become totally focussed on dedicating my time and energy on providing and being there for my kids. No wonder then that the relationship has fallen apart. I really thought that I might be given an opportunity to redress some of my traits but, alas, I don’t think I will. We have been together for 18 years (since we were teenagers) making her lack of forbearance doubly troubling to me.

I understand that my wife’s feelings have been brewing for a while and I have probably been in denial when she has tried (infrequently) to discuss this with me. Following a holiday away with her friends and sisters, she seemingly came to the decision that separation was the only option and she’s gone for it with haste. We are still cohabiting but she is trying to accelerate my departure.
Our home is mortgaged (ca £240k outstanding) and worth around £400k or so (assuming we could sell it in this market). We have a few other liabilities but, even after accounting for these, a fair amount of equity. She has no income and is not currently entitled to any benefit due to my level of income. I could not afford to pay rent on another property and allow her to stay in our family home for a prolonged period of time.

Thanks again for your support

Hi Prince,

Welcome to the site.

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through at the moment. I can't imagine what a breakup after 18 years must feel like.

So practical help we can offer though is I will get both the Coram Children's Legal Centre (Child Law) and Child Maintenance Options (maintenance) to pop by and give you some advice regarding custody, access and child maintenance.

Darren's suggestion of Mediation is an excellent suggestion.
National Family Mediation offer support and guidance through divorce mediation as do Relate

Gooner

Also there is some great advice on the site regarding some of the issues you are experiencing:

Our Separation section might be helpful, We also have a section about Child Maintenance and the CSA

Hi As Gooner says there are lots of topics covering what you are going through, though not specific to your situation they will give you an understanding.

However feel free to ask anything you are unsure of, we are all here to support and talk through options, many of us have been where you are now and can look back at it, although it feels rough at the moment it will ease.

With regards to the house, whilst you are on the mortgage you are legally bound to pay it, by the sounds of it she isn't in a possition to buy you out or take over the mortgage, so selling may be the only option, that would give the 2 of you a lump sum to set up your own homes.

I would suggest pushing for mediation as your first port of call to get things moving, This is assuming that there is no hope of trying again with the relationship?

If you are able to try and talk things through then relate would be a good place to do it as it allows the 2 of you a safe place to talk knowing that it won't turn into an out of control arguement, as you have someone there to promote open conversation and calm things down if needed.

As said above feel free to ask anything you need, and we will try our best to answer.

Darren

Ideally I'd like to try and sort myself out and then see if there's any chance of us rebuilding our relationship. I agree with her that I haven't been myself for a while and that the onus should be on me to remedy. Regardless of our relationship, this effort will improve the quality of my life, so I've opened a few avenues already. That said, improvements are likely to take a while to show through, and I don't think she has any more energy/time to give me.

Who said life was easy?!

I do have a bitter taste in my mouth though as not only do I have to go through the split (I know she does too) but also committ to the personal therapy etc and effectively rehome myself! Do you think I should insist of remaining in residence (difficult, but it is quite a big house) or is it likely that will just elevate things? She did say yesterday that if I don't leave then she will (with the kids) - where would that leave me?

I would love the chance for us to discuss the whole episode with someone, but I feel she will regard this as me deperately trying to save my marriage rather than obtaining an objective, neutral solution. Relate could offer this presumably - but what about the NFM?

Thanks again!

Relate can help you try to resolve your differences with regards to staying together, and from what you have said this may be difficult to get her to agree to. Mediation is more about moving on and agreeing how you will seperate and split assets and contact with your children.

Though I would normally recomend differently, I would say it may be worth trying to stay in your family home if at all possible as once you have moved out there is no urgancy for any kind of compromise to be made with regards settling the assets. This will put stress on both you, her but more concerningly your children so think this through before deciding.

I think it might be worth you sitting down with a solicitor to get some solid legal advice about assets and where you stand, Although I have experience from my own situations I'm not in anyway legally minded. A real legal veiw would be useful for you where the house is concerned.

Darren

Hi I used family mediation to sort out similar and what was good is they steered us away from thinking about custody and helped us work out a way of sharing the kids and we both get regualr contact with them which was better than I thought . they directed us to some videos on a site called parent connection and when i watched them I didnt want to get into fighting for custody as i thinsk it would have destroyed us both .

Thanks again to you all.
These really are the strangest of times – is it typical to have a real rollercoaster of emotions (I feel positive and in a way relieved one minute and distressed and desperate the next!)?

We spoke again last night and I was amazed at how naive she is over who has what entitlements and what the separation processes are. For example, she expected me to just agree to move out and allow her to remain in the family home. When I said that it wasn’t feasible because it’s unaffordable, she seemed shocked. I mentioned that the only real long term solution is for us to sell-up and buy/rent two smaller properties – I think that sparked a reality check.

The way we have structured our relationship (i.e. single income earner and stay at home Mum) seems to offer fewer separation options. I think a commitment to remain cohabiting to keep the children happy whilst gear-up for selling our home is the only option – especially as we have no ‘free’ temporary accommodation options (nearest family member is 150miles away).

Thanks again, as ever I would welcome any advice, and I’ll let you know how things pan out

Thanks again to you all.
These really are the strangest of times – is it typical to have a real rollercoaster of emotions (I feel positive and in a way relieved one minute and distressed and desperate the next!)?

This is perfectly natural, I remember being happy laughing and messing about one min then breaking down the next, The next few weeks and even months will be much like that you will have good or even great days when you feel really positive and then bad days when you feel that theres nothing you can do to make it better. Although it wo't feel like it the bad days get less as the time passes and actually prove to make you stronger.

Just remember to talk about your feelings, not talking was where I went wrong as there was no outlet for the emotions to go.

I guess if your......partner (for the time being) has been a stay at home mum then she may not have given how she would live a second thought, the reality check may make her start to think about if seperating is the right choice, it may be worth suggesting some relate appointments to explore all avenues.

The thing to remember though (and i'm not suggesting you haven't considered this) is that although your income has paid for your joint living expenses, your partner has made her contributions too by staying home to look after the home and children she has made it possible for you to work as you have, meaning she is entitled to a fair (sometimes larger share) of the equity of the family home if you were to seperate and sell up.

Darren

Hi there, I'm Sarah, a Child Maintenance Options Consultant.

I am sorry to hear about your marriage breaking down. I know that there will be a lot of things that you will need to consider and child maintenance will be one of the priorities because, as you have mentioned, you are concerned about the impact on your children.

If you can talk to your wife, you could come to a family-based arrangement. A family-based arrangement may not just be about money but also about who buys the clothes, holidays, school uniforms etc. They are easy to set-up, are very flexible in that you can agree to change it as you need or your circumstances change and doesn’t involve anyone else. You can get an indication on how much child maintenance you would need to pay by using our child maintenance calculator and for more information on family-based arrangements by visiting www.cmoptions.org . You can also find a family-based arrangement form to download as well on the site.

If however you do not believe that you can discuss child maintenance with your wife, then either parent can apply to the CSA. More information can be found on www.direct.gov.uk.

I hope this helps.