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hi everyone. im new to this so please bear with me!!
i'll try and explain things as simply as i can!!
firstly, i have a 6 year old son from a prevous relationship. his mother and i were together for more than 10 years, and the relationship came to quite a bitter end a couple of years back. we only talk through a third party now and to be honest, at the minute, that works for both of us. the trouble is that i have just had another child with a woman (we are not together, but seem to be able to get along, if for nothing else other than for the good of our child!) and my when my first son's mother found out, she basically said that she doesnt want our son to find out about his half brother. now i dont see why i should not tell my first born that he has a half brother just because his mother doesnt want me to. she has used him as a weapon against me in the past and i am a bit worried that if i do tell him without her agreeing, she will do it again. i really do believe that my son has a right to know, and besides, he is bound to find out one day, isnt he? i mean, i already have my first son's name tattooed on my arm, why would i not get my new son's name as well?!!! i know this might sound like a no-brainer, and in my head, i know what the right thing to do is. i guess that i am also a little worried about how my 6 year old will react to the news, i really would hate it to affect how he feels about me. i hope this is enough to go on, at least so start with!! any advice would be gratefully received. thanks in advance!
It's a hard one! You seem to know what you think is best. You can never be certain what a child's reaction might be to finding out he has a half brother. He could be really excited or really sad (maybe because he's not your only son any more). There's no right or wrong reaction from kids. I'd just encourage you to make the decision that you feel is best & give him lots of time to talk, get used to it & know he's still Daddy's boy & it hasn't changed anything.
thanks SC. thats pretty much the same as whats going through my head to be honest. i know my 6 year old deserves to know the truth, its just i really dont want his mother to hold it against me, because its the sort of thing she would do. i know he loves me and it certainly wouldnt change how i feel about him, and i dont think it would change how he would feel about me.
i dont suppose anyone else who has read this post has been in a similar situation??!!!
Hi There,
I haven't been through the same as you however my step son's dad had another baby last year, my step son was 7 when she was born and doesn't seem worried about it at all, he looked forward to seeing her when she was born but it doesn't effect how he is now and at times he really isn't worried about if she spends time with him and his dad or not.
His dad is married to his half sisters mum and they live together while my step son lives with me and his mum, he goes to his dads every other week and spends time with them all.
And then I have my son who lives with his mum and spends every other weekend with me my partner and my step son, he did go through a time of adjustment the fact that I had another child living with me but again he is fine with it now and it hasn't effected him.
Advice on telling your son about his brother though, As you say the fact your ex has used your son against you in the past means she will probably again, I'm guessing you don't have any formal arrangement in court regarding contact as you haven't mentioned this so as you say it could go wrong, I think it's worth challenging your ex and telling her you intend to tell your son about his half brother, I wouldn't just do this without her knowing as you will be going against her without being up-front about it, if this has to go to court or mediation for you to gain contact with your son if she does decide to stop it over him knowing about his half brother it will be better for you to have acted up-front about everything.
As said it's a tough one and you need to do what you feel is best, but try thinking every option through and find the best (least stressful) way of getting the result you want.
Darren
Hi Darren.
Thanks for your advice. I guess your right when you say that I do need to approach the subject with my older boy's mother. All I can hope for is that she will be reasonable about things. We do not have any formal arrangement through the courts regarding access, but as I have made perfectly clear to her, if she carries on using our son against me, she will effectively force my hand and I will do whatever I have to, to have proper, and deserved access. Thanks again for your help (and yours SC!!!) and I shall take on board what you have said, and try my best to do the right thing by both of my children.
I will update this post when things move forward, and hopefully, the news will be good!!!
Cheers
Matt
back again, please help
it seems ive got another issue to deal with as well now. the mother of my new born is insisting that i cant see him again until she has got use to being a mother and settled into her new life. i had come to an arrangement with her regarding child support, but i have now said that until i am given proper access, i am going to pay her through the csa (meaning she will get less than what i have offered). im hoping that this might make her realise that she would b better off by just acting like an adult and talking things through with me, but i guess i'll have to wait and see. if this doesnt happen, and i continue paying her through the csa, what do i need to do in order to get access to my son? she and i didnt really talk all that much whilst she was pregnant, and when we did, we didnt seem to agree on much. i just want to have proper access to both of my children without their mothers behaving like bitter and twisted teenagers. i want to do what is right by my kids, but their mothers are forcing my hand. i have made them both aware of the fact that i will do whatever i have to, to be a part of my childrens lives, and that will be the case. please help me with this, i really dont know where else to turn, and i feel that i am heading to a bad mental place, and i know that will only makes things harder in the long run. HELP!!
Hi Matt
The first step is to try mediation - if your ex was prepared to allow contact until now, its possible that mediation may be just enough of a nudge to persuade her back to that position.
thanks actd.
i'm gonna give her a few days to take what i have said to her on board, and with a bit of luck, she will realise that what she is doing is bang out of order. if not though, mediation may be something i will suggest. from what ive heard, her parents are encouraging her to let me have contact with our son, so maybe that will also be enough to get her to see sense!! im really hoping that at some point soon, i will be able to post some positive news on here!
thanks again for your advice
matt
Hi Pokerjoe.
I do have regular contact with my first child, although since his mother found out about me expecting another child back in January, she has made things a little awkward to say the least. Things do seem to be getting better with access though, and I am hoping that it continues to go the same way. As I have said previously, I just want to do the right thing by both of my children, who I love both dearly.
Hi All,
Well there have been a couple of developments since my last post, and I have to say that I'm pretty pleased with how things are going! First of all, my 6 year old lad has been told of his half brother, and it wasn't even by me! I was planning on telling him this weekend when he was with me, but his mother's mother told him last weekend when he had a sleepover at her house! So at least that is something that his mother cannot use against me! His reaction seems to be absolutely fine, when he asked me about it, he did mention that he would like to meet his half brother which I thought was brilliant! So fingers crossed, at some point in the near future, they will meet and hopefully in time they will have a good bond with each other.
Second, the mother of my newborn son is starting to come round to the fact that I have a right to, and that I want to be a part of our sons life. I havent seen that much of him, but his mother and I are in regular contact and she does send me pictures. I'm hopeful that as time goes on, she will allow me to see him more and more.
So anyway, that is pretty much it for now. Its kinda nice to write something on here that doesnt upset me when i read it back to myself!! Though Im not even sure who is going to read this, I just want to say thanks to the people that have bothered to offer any advice. I hope that I wont need anymore in the future, but if I do, this will be one of the first places I come to.
Cheers all.
Matt
Hi All,
...., this will be one of the first places I come to.
Cheers all.
Matt
One of?!?!?!? 😆
hahahahahaha!! your right actd, what am i sayin?!!! i really should have said 'the only place'!!! thanks again though mate 😀
Great news Mattf! Its good to hear some good news and it will be an encouragement to all the dads on here going through a similar ordeal.
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