Hello everyone,
I don't know if this is the right area to post on so please forgive me if it isn't. Also, I'm not a dad, I'm his sister desperately wanting to help, so I hope that's ok?
My brother and his ex split up back in October 2013 following an 11 year turbulent relationship, they have two boys aged 3 and 9. The boys live with the ex and in the beginning my brother saw them every weekend for an overnight stay at our family home, plus one night in the week. He wanted to see them more, but she said no, and with it all being so new, my brother accepted this, grateful to see them at all.
From the very start, his ex said that she would do all she could to make it difficult for our family to stay in contact with the boys - her family is like an institution and maintain they they are all the boys need - and soon began chopping and changing arrangements, being out when my brother went to collect the boys etc. By Christmas a number of visits had been messed up, so he and I went to see a solicitor for advice. A mediation letter was sent to her which she refused, and so he now has open access to apply for contact if he wants to.
As the New Year came around, things improved slightly; he was seeing the boys on a regular basis (I think the solicitors letter shook her up into co-operating) and everything seemed okay. By April she had begun messing about again and the older of the two boys had a noticeable change in his behavior towards and affection for my brother. Since then things have spiraled downwards with more cancelled or shortened visits occurring and a torrent of nastiness from the older one towards my brother - very often saying things that he is too young to articulate, so we can see that it is coming from what he is being told by, or is hearing from, his mum.
This week has been awful. My brother saw the boys midweek and had to sit down and show the older one bank statements to prove that he has been paying money to his ex, as she has told him that she isn't getting any (remember, he's 9!) and today his attempt at collecting them finished up in the older one yelling out of the window that he hated my brother, his uncles are more fun and that he never wants to see him again.
My brother said to his ex this morning that he would be taking he to court if this continued (granted, I don't know his exact words) to which she promptly told the older son, causing him to yell out of the window to my brother that he 'wasn't going to do what he said he would to Mummy'. She has no sense of keeping him protected from all of this.
I am literally only scratching the surface here, but would love some advice I could pass on. He is in such a terrible way and right now insistent that if he does apply for contact, the older one will only hate him more. My brother feels that if he is so hated, he should just wait to see if the boys come back to him. I don't agree, as I think a tie, even a forced one is essential. The younger son doesn't seem to have changed much at all apart from not wanting to see my brother if his older brother doesn't.
Aside of all of this, my brother has met someone else and told the older son a couple of weeks ago. No names or expectations, just the fact that she existed and if he had any questions or wanted to meet her, to just ask.
Thankyou all so much in advance for any help you can offer.
Hi there
This is so sad but all too common I'm afraid.
My initial though is that the eldest boy is being dragged into the separation of his parents and this is inappropriate. I think there is fault from both sides, the mother and her family are at fault but I must say that your brother is also adding to this. When the child confronted him about maintenance it was wrong to involve him by showing him his bank statements, he should have just reassured him that he would never not help to look after him in every way he could...a little explanation about how sometimes when mums and dads separate then things get upset but it won't be forever and he is trying everything he can to get things back to normal. Lots of reassurance and love and telling him that both parents love him very much.
The same with telling him about a new partner, it's obvious the little boy is struggling with the changes as it is, he didnt need to know about a new partner, it will only reaffirm his sense of loss of his dad.
I would sit your brother down and try and get him to understand that he needs to stop involving him and start reassuring him that he is loved and nothing changes that. He is going to have to allow the child to be hurt and upset and just be patient. He needs to be the bigger person here.
There has been some damage done, but the longer he leaves contact the harder it will be. I would suggest he presses on with this. I think a letter to her asking her to reconsider attending mediation and also how upsetting it is to see his son so upset and involved in the issues surrounding their separation. I would point out that it is a matter for them and the children shouldn't be involved in any way as it is only causing them more distress. He could also remind her that his children have the right to a relationship with him and he will do all in his power to make that happen. That it would be better if they can reach agreement through mediation, but that he would have no hesitation but to apply to court for a Child Arrangements Order if he is left with no other choice.
This may be better written by him directly, one last attempt to get things moving forward. Keep a copy for his records as it can be used to show the court that every attempt was made to resolve the situation...with that in mind keep all correspondence with her civil and child focused.