[Solved] Help needed
Hi folks, I'm about to separate from my wife of 20 years and have a daughter aged 11. We will be telling my daughter the sad news this coming Thursday and I will be moving out over the following weeks. Although I believe that things will be ok between my x and me, she wants us to be friends so we can give our daughter the best outcome, I'm completely overwhelmed by my feelings and am struggling to cope.
I'm currently recovering from a major mental breakdown so am finding things difficult from this point of view also. Major anxiety is making it all very difficult. I've been taking meds for 6 weeks now to help with all this. I keep telling myself that it will be ok but still worry so much. I'm especially concerned that I will breakdown when we tell our daughter the news. On top of all this I need to get back to work! Going to be living alone for the first time in a long while, so damn scared right now and feel I have no one to talk too.
Sorry to go on
I can totally understand how you must be feeling right now, especially as you are still recovering, do you have a CPN or any after care service that you can turn to for support? If not can I suggest that you go and talk to your GP about what is happening to you.
Separating after such a long time would be hard enough for someone without the added problems of anxiety that you have to deal with. I do hope that the mediation is helping you to cope, do you have any close family or friends that you could talk to?
If things get worse you can call the Samaritans, we have had members in the past that have found their support to be really helpful, something for you to bear in mind. Of course, you can talk to us here at any time, there's usually someone around....I'm sorry you had to wait so long for a reply today.
There is no easy way to talk to your daughter, but she probably has some idea of what is happening, kids can be very astute. Talk to your wife about your concerns, perhaps ask her to take the lead when telling your daughter, she should understand that you are more vulnerable at the moment....I hope so.
Best of luck with this and don't hesitate to come back anytime, we will do all we can to be here for you.
Hi, many thanks for your reply. I was attending a day hospital until last week but am now on my own pretty much. I will be followed up but God knows when. I don't really have much support otherwise as I have no family nearby and only a couple of friends who can only help so much. Knowing there's others out there going through the same is a help and I appriciate the help. Unfortunately my wife is sick of me right now, she has supported me over the last couple of months but finds me very draining as I'm still leaning on her for support. Maybe she will do most of the talking when we tell our daughter I don't know but it might be better that than me loosing it!
Trying to deal with it all day by day...
...you could give the day hospital a call and ask if they could provide additional support, explain what has happened....they will be aware that you're still recovering and still vulnerable.
At least you have found this forum and it will help just to be able to talk about how you're feeling...you're amongst people who care here.
The assement team will be in touch apparently to see if I need further support but when that will be is any ones guess. I'm going to have to get on and deal with things as they happen. Keeping busy will help I guess and support from here will be very helpful. I can't thank you enough.
Many many thanks Mojo
Good morn LeCompte72,
I feel for you, this will be the most challenging thing you have had to endure.
It will be for you hard to think clearly at the moment, but what you have to do first is get yourself well, because without that you will not be much good to your daughter. Getting back to work as soon as you can will be a good thing, it will help rebuild your self esteem, as will getting somewhere to live sorted out (it is always a mistake to move out of the family house, but I suspect you are too far down the road to change that decision).
Mojo has given you some good advice, but at the end of the day you have to find that inner strength to recover for your daughter's sake. I recall one very dark day at the very nadir of my own journey when the only thing that kept me going was my obligation to my son. Looking back that was a good thing as it allowed me to focus on what was really important (my son) and therefore work out what I had to do (concentrate on being a good dad as the expense of everything else). After that life became much easier.
Beware of taking medication and relying on medical attention, you will be better off just becoming stronger yourself (I know that sounds difficult, but focus and it will happen). Also don't turn to drink. Do things that rebuild your confidence so that you look strong in your daughter's eyes (start exercising, lose weight if you need to, get your finances in order, pursue some interests ...).
Many thanks for your kind words and advice. I've a flat sorted and will be moving this weekend, not exactly looking forward to it but it has to happen. Just like you I've had plenty of dark days and it is my daughter that keeps me going. Focusing on getting better is proving very hard at the moment, I'm so anxious about everything that is going on but I do try, just hoping once I get past these events that things become a little easier in some ways although I know that there will be new challenges to then face. I'm going to try and deal with each day as it comes.
Once again a big thank you...
Feeling pretty rubbish this morning, stomach playing up and no real appetite. This is the kind of thing that makes it all so hard. I'm trying to think positive but still the anxiety and physical symptoms prevail.
Othen you suggested focusing, but what on, I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for what lies ahead and constantly thinking it could be worse etc... But every day my stomach reacts and kinda stops me in my tracks. It does improve somewhat as the day goes on but only a little, although my head feels better and clearer later on.
Don't worry, everyone in your position goes through similar feelings of emptiness and anxiety. Focus on what is good for your daughter, it will be some years until she is an adult and she will need you until then at least. Do some positive things to make it so you can enjoy a life with her (get your flat sorted out so she can come and stay frequently for example).
Been out for a huge walk today, feel a little better for it but my back and hips say otherwise. Trying to be more focused and positive. Did sort a TV today and will try and sort a PlayStation for when my daughter stays, we both like playing the Lego type games. Really appreciate the support being offered here it really does help knowing I'm not alone. Feeling less anxious at the moment but stomach still feels weird.
That is better: get a PlayStation for your daughter, PS3 can be picked up for very little these days (my son still uses his PS3, although I was going to get him a PS4 at Easter). Similarly TVs are really inexpensive, so you can do a couple of things that are really positive and don't cost much at all.
Going for a good walk is an excellent idea, I don't know whether you could keep a dog, but there have been times when having a dog to look after every day has been something else to keep me going.
Hi Othen, unfortunately I can't have pets in the flat, nice idea though. Found a PS3 for £70 so happy to pay that. I paid for a tv today then got home and realised it doesn't have hd freeview, for £30 more I could get one with hd freeview, seems worth it to me. Problem is getting currys to change the tv for me, it's going to be a right faff. Still it gives me something else to think about I guess....
Another big walk in store tomorrow I think to sort it.