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[Solved] man its hard

 
Missing_Him
(@Missing_Him)
Trusted Member Registered

Hi all,

Feeling really down at the mo.

I had my contact over the weekend. My 4th overnight. It was great as usual spending time with my son.

I dropped him off Sunday and cried all the way back to mine. The void left after he is gone is just too much. My house empty.

I have no contact with him until the next visit as his mother prevents all calls. I write once a week to make sure he knows I am thinking of him. This is despite phone contact Being in our interim court order.

I just can't see this ever getting better - at least not to a point that it becomes bearable.

I just want to be the best Dad i can be.

I have messed up my relationship as I should have been stronger and stayed for my son, I messed up leaving as I left him behind and now my chances of him living with me are virtually nothing

I just can't see how this is ever going to get better.

Apologies for a self pitying post especially to those without contact. I've been there and it sucked. Not knowing if your child wanted to see you and being told they don't was really hard. My situation has been going on for 9 months now and I am coming to terms with this is the new norm for my life not a temporary blip as we battle through court. Frankly I don't like the future ahead of me however I try to see it.

How do you guys in similar situations cope?

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Topic starter Posted : 04/02/2015 11:12 am
DaveR
(@DaveR)
Noble Member Registered

Hi,

Its not self pity, your grieving and it is normal.

It took me over a year to get to a position where I could accept the situation and even now after 2 years I have my moments.

It does get easier.

Be gentle on yourself and give yourself time and things will get better for you.

Regards,

Dave

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Posted : 04/02/2015 1:23 pm
Badgerdom
(@Badgerdom)
Estimable Member Registered

Hi Missing_Him,

Unfortunately alot of people on this forum will be able to relate.
My ex moved away which led to no contact for over a year. When I managed to re-establish contact one day a month, that only lasted 6 months - and again she stopped all contact... That's why we ended up in court.

Anyway - you are going through a normal process, as DaveR has said.
Given that your phone contact is in the interim order, I would attempt to make the phone call when it is supposed to happen. When it doesn't happen, make sure you log it... That way, when you go back to court, you can say "there was denied contact, in contravention of the order. This happened on XYZ dates..." It might not seem alot, but it will help to strengthen your case as the ex is effectively breaching the order! Judges don't take too kindly to being ignored in my experience.

I know that it's hard once your little one has gone back after contact, especially if it's just you and your thoughts - but try and stay positive, you've got to play the long game on this one i'm afraid, but it does get easier.

To say "better" would be slightly misleading. You learn to cope with the situations life throws at you, you appreciate the contact and "get on" with everything else. Any BS with the ex gets easier to deal with too as time goes on.

Just hang in there, you are doing a good job and being a good father to your child! That will shine through in the end.

I started off with one day a month, then contact was stopped... We had to restart contact at a centre (not my idea of fun)...anyway, my final order was completed in December, giving me fortnightly staying contact, weekly phone calls, a week in easter, one in summer hols, 4 days over Christmas, fathers day weekend, half the half-terms and bank holidays if they're after normal weekend contact... So don't get too down - it is achievable and things do work out 🙂

If you need to chat, I'm happy to help.

All the best,
BD.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 04/02/2015 2:07 pm
Nannyjane
(@Nannyjane)
Illustrious Member Registered

I completely agree with BD ....technically she is in breach of the Order, if she has a solicitor you can write to them and request that the conditions of the Order be adhered to, list the dates when it was denied and make it clear that a copy of said letter has been filed with the court and if this continues you would be asking the court for urgent new directions. Send a copy to the court and keep a copy for your file. If she is self repping then send the same letter directly to her.

You are doing great and as DaveR says you are grieving and as time goes on you will learn coping strategies to help you deal with the loss you feel.

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Posted : 04/02/2015 2:37 pm
MR SLIM
(@MR SLIM)
Noble Member Registered

I can relate totally I miss my daughter in between contact sessions it's awful seeing her for a few hours every sat is a killer but when I look back to last year when I never seen her for 9 months things don't seem so bad, is this contact in the final order? Is it supposed to lead to more in the future how did the courts leave it? Defo write a letter to the court and get the phonecall enforced at least it will feel like you are doing something in the meantime.

Now it worked for me I wouldn't call it grovelling but I changed my tact when dealing with my ex and it worked a treat she started to chill out a little, I sent my daughter back with new clothes ect and asked if she needed more money for anything I've got her things she needs for herself round the house I sent her a card at xmas and just tried to be friendly with her maybe thats worth a shot, my ex is warming a little as a result, I've done all that through gritted teeth and she still blows hot and cold but life is defo a little easier these days.

I've just seen that this is and interim order so just stick it out things will defo get better trust me ultimately the courts will want to see atleast fri-sun every other week and a mid week contact also special occasions ect thats what they seem to work to so like I said just hold out it will pan out.

I've still not had my daughter with me on my own and she is 16 months old it's infuriating It was torture having 4 months in a contact centre now 3 months supervised contact at her sisters house another 2 weeks it goes to my house (with her sister there) It does my nut but I cant do anything about it I'm just battling through until april when overnights prolong contact and special occasions is supposed to start in the mean time I'm keep ing a diary of missed contact and making sure the actual contact I have does go well so if and when I do go back to court I've got ammo to get a more solid order set in place.

Keep in there man

Slim 🙂

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Posted : 04/02/2015 3:16 pm
Missing_Him
(@Missing_Him)
Trusted Member Registered

Thanks all for your kind words and support I appreciate it.

You guys and this forum have been a real help to me in this dark time in my life.

As to phone contact nothing specific was in the court order just phone contact when my son wanted it so I'm not sure how I can contest this?

My ex wouldn't talk about contact before I left. I begged her. Now it seems I start with nothing and have to fight for each little piece of contact - rather than start from a 50:50 fair position.

I may have said this before but if you are reading this and are at the point of leaving then first really think about it if you have kids and try and work it out with your partner . If that isn't a possibility then make sure you plan this and get all the advice you can before doing anything.

I wonder do we have a sticky for this with advice? I would never want to encourage people to do this - but would want to help those who are at a point where they are going to do this. As an example it was only after I left that people said to me never leave the family home......

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Topic starter Posted : 05/02/2015 8:28 am
actd
 actd
(@actd)
Illustrious Member

There is a section on the website for separation and working out a parenting plan

http://www.dad.info/divorce-and-separation

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Posted : 08/02/2015 9:18 pm
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