I felt moved to relate a personal experience, which just might be of some use to others.
I went through a nasty divorce 2 years ago. My ex-wife had decided to leave the marriage in order to make money. She turned very nasty in order to get me to leave, and so claim our 8 year old (at the time) son, and with it of course our family home, most of my estate and an income stream. It didn't go quite as she planned in that our boy had developed a mind of his own and wanted to be with me just as much as with her. Anyway, she moved out, the relationship she had expected with the internet date boyfriend came to nothing, a very costly legal tussle ensued and eventually, after a struggle with the gross bias in CAFCASS I managed to secure a shared residency order for our boy (now nearly 10). He lives with me almost half the time, is doing very well at school, is happy and well adjusted.
If our society was just the SRO would have been the starting point, not something a dad might achieve if he has enough money and emotional strength to do the right thing.
Was it all worth it? Without a doubt yes! My son is with me this week, I've just walked him to school (from the family home: never move out of the family home), we did his homework together last evening, had dinner together, played cricket, talked for ages and I made up a story for him at bedtime (I always make up a story for him). All of this is just normal stuff of course, and that is why it is so worthwhile, my boy is happy and well adjusted, intelligent and attentive.
I was lucky in that I had the money to challenge the bias in society, but the outcome has been a good one for me and more importantly for my son (I have no idea how things will work out for his mother).
Best wishes.
A
I split up with my ex because I had had enough of her drinking. The divorce was costly enough but nothing compare to the cost a couple of years later when it was apparent that she was seriously neglecting the children and I took custody and got residence and restricted contact (because she wasn't reliable at turning up for contact). I agree wholeheartedly that it was worth it (cost of legal fees plus having an extension built on the house to provide extra bedrooms was about £130k) and I'd do it again without hesitation.
I do know how it worked out for my ex - she went from being a successful lawyer (her old business partner is now in the Times 1000 UK rich list) to having her house repossessed and living on benefits with her mother - she has little contact with my daughters because she either can't be bothered to maintain contact, or when she does, she's pretty nasty and the girls don't want to continue the conversations. My son does have a bit more contact, though I don't ask him about it as I don't want him to feel uncomfortable about it.
How on earth did you get the courts to believe your ex was an alcoholic ACTD?
My ex has been an Alcoholic for 5 years she has been out of it through the whole of her first daughters life under her own admission she has neglected that poor girl from day one the house is always a stinking [censored] hole she never washed fed or clothed that girl properly and because of her disability she constantly poo's and wee's and with her not changing her nappies enough all her below bits used to bleed she also beats the kid very bad.
I made numerous reports o SS child line and the nspcc and not one of them believed me I got made out in court to be a controlling malicious ex even though my ex has admitted she's been to AA she drinks every night no one will believe me it all seems to have got worse since my daughter was born, I wish I could get full custody of both girls but as my ex has made me out to be a crazed drug addict I don't stand a chance it's been hard enough just trying to get contact meanwhile whist all the focus has been on me she is free to neglect both Girls I'm so worried for them.
I took my children back suddenly - my ex threatened my older daughter and I got the police round and got the children out so the police's statement on her condition and the state of the house was the starting point, and all three of my children then gave statements to the police. That was enough, along with my statement and a couple of other statements (amusingly, one was given by someone who my ex had told the police would back her up, and turned out damning for her) for the court to insist on a liver function test - my ex tried to avoid having them (got told of by the court for not doing them), had the tests done and the results were very conclusive. By that time, however, we were only in court over the contact arrangements, residence was granted to me very quickly - and that was partly due to a very lengthy and detailed CAFCASS report (my solicitor said he hadn't come across one before which was so conclusive against the mother) based on interviews with me, my ex (including a visit to her house) and my daughters.
Well done for stepping in to be a good dad ACTD. It is rare for the courts not to bend over backwards to accommodate mothers.
A
I didn't give the court too much choice - I got an emergency hearing for interim residence (which my ex sent a barrister to but didn't bother to turn up herself) - cafcass had a quick meeting with my daughters immediately before the hearing and agreed they should stay with me, and before the second hearing, my ex realised that the evidence was so overwhelming that she "graciously" allowed me to keep the children. I think the biggest strain was on my wife who suddenly had an extra 2 children living with us (and my oldest visiting every weekend) and the house being substantially ripped apart while the extension was being built. I did have a massive amount of support from her and both our families, which really helped us through it.
It is a pity we have such an adversarial system.
My ex-wife backed down on the shared residency issue at the 11th hour when her barrister told her I was likely to achieve it (she wanted residency with her of course, so she could claim my house, most of my estate and generate a bigger income stream of course... we have all heard that one before). Like your ex-wife, she 'graciously' agreed to a SRO, but with a 8:6 day split in term time, 7:7 in the hols (I my son is with me 45% of the time and the SRO is important so I can protect him from his mother's excesses and not just be a visiting uncle). I decided (in a side chamber of the magistrates' court) that it was not worth throwing another £10,000 and emotional stamina that I didn't have at chasing the extra day to make a 7:7 split (although it is what my son wanted).
If the state (and solicitors) didn't create the (justified) impression that mothers will always do better than fathers we might not get into such a pickle (as a community).
Well done in being the good dad though, the next generation is all that is really important.
Best wishes,
A