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[Solved] Struggling With Stay at Home Mom

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My daughter is 7 months old and has been the best thing in my life. My wife and I decided that it would be best for her to stay at home, because my daughter is very advanced and requires a lot of stimulation in her development. We are blessed to have a child so developmentally advanced. I am an executive of a small company and it requires a lot of my attention, but this job is the reason she is able to stay at home. I know it is challenging for her to transition from working to be a stay at home mom (she was a teacher). The issue I am having is that she expects me to work the normal 8-5 and gets enraged when I have to travel. I feel like I'm not giving it my all at work, because I make the after hours sacrifices to be at home. I know it's a juggling act. I cant help but feel like I'm about to drop the everything I'm juggling. She tells me she appreciates me, but some actions say otherwise. When I'm at home I feel like there is a never ending to-do list of things she says she can't get done when she's home by herself. She even waits to go to the grocery store and guilts me in to going with her, because she wants the baby to get out of the house, but she can't handle it by herself. I don't mind helping around the house. I do laundry, dishes and pitch in on cleaning. She doesn't cook and I don't expect her to. We're lucky to have family close and they like for us to have dinner with them. The one weeknight in the past 4 months we had to cook, she waited until I got home from work to go to the grocery store and we didn't eat until 9:30. I get up at 5 every morning to start my work day and the earliest I can get home is 5 in the evening. I feel like I'm whining. Is it expecting too much for her to be able to go to the grocery store with the baby without me?

Topic starter Posted : 22/12/2016 7:48 pm
Famed Member Registered

Hi There,
Personally I don't think it is too much, lots of supermarkets have trolly's that take younger children if needed, I guess it depends on how much shopping is needed as to how easy it would be, It would always be easier to take baby in a push chair, but then that would limit how much your partner could get.
I think that maybe the biggest issue here is that you feel that you are going out to work and earning so that you can all live and your partner can stay at home and you aren't really getting much time when you get home, I know that when ever I am home I spend a lot of time doing house work and cleaning and getting food ready for when my wife gets home, but when my wife is home and I'm at work, there is always too much to get done and lots gets left, We don't have a young child though so our situation is very different.
I think that you need to try and address things as youa re clearly feeling low about it, and it will start to effect your relationship if you can't resolve things.

Posted : 22/12/2016 11:38 pm
Honorable Member Registered

Hello newatthis,

You do a full days work and quote, " the laundry, dishes and pitch in on the cleaning. She doesn't cook and I don't expect her to." Added to which she will not go to the grocery store and quote, "guilts me in to going with her."

What does she do all day?

Partnerships are about supporting each other and sharing from what you have said, it would appear one person is taking most of the time and the other giving most of the time. A very unhealthy imbalance in my opinion.

Posted : 23/12/2016 12:02 am
Trusted Member Registered

Hi there newaththis,

Firstly congrats, exciting times I'm sure!

Have to mirror the thoughts of MotherofaFather here. It sounds exactly like my own situation earlier this year (I own my own business and was the only one working from month 1 of pregnancy). If your work is project-based, I can imagine that you work the hours that are necessary and travel where needed to make sure you can financially provide - you shouldn't feel bad about it, thats the nature of the work and was the case (I assume) before you had a child.

It's awesome that you have family about and that you're not shirking responsibility at home in addition to doing your vocation. Be careful not to burn yourself out along the way.

I can't speak for your wife or your specific situation, but being a stay-at-home mum is/should be an all encompassing role. Take the mindset (if only for a minute), you and your wife produced your daughter. Having family about is a bonus, but not a prerequisite of being a parent.

Might be helpful to talk with your wife about how you can better share the workload together. I'd try making suggestions like if you are cooking preparing a few meals in one go and freezing them (to give you both a break when needed). That might free up some time for her to help on something else, perhaps? Or finding a mix like that, that works for you guys.

Remember, a successful relationship is where you're both going 110% to cater to each other, rather than I'll do 50% of this, if you do the other half. It sounds like your contribution for more reasons that one is going to be made of in a large part with going out and earning a living right now.

Best of seasons greetings!

Concerned Daddy.

Posted : 23/12/2016 2:26 am
Estimable Member Registered

Hello newatthis,

I realise it is some time since you posted this, but I wanted to reply incase someone else felt the same, or was in the situation currently. When I had my first child with my husband, we had already decided that I would be the homemaker and full time parent which I was very happy with. Becoming a parent for me was hard, and I didn't cope well initially. Some days it took all my strength to get out of bed and get on with the day. Only once did my husband complain that his clothes were not ironed properly, and he never did again !! We both had to learn to appreciate each others new roles, and how our marriage was developing becoming a family of three.
It saddens me to read comments below like"what does she do all day?" as you've probably discovered having a lively and intelligent baby/child is sometimes exhausting and demanding. Coming from being a full time earning teacher to a home maker and parent is a massive life change, and it could be that your wife was grieving the life that she once had. She may have found being a new parent overwhelming too.
I would say communication between both of you is the key, I hope you are still both ok and have managed to work it out. You are doing a wonderful thing by being the provider and also helping. It will get better, and there are more good days than not!
Kind Regards,
Parent Support Volunteer, Fegans

Posted : 28/04/2020 4:42 pm

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