DAD.info
Free online course for separated parents
Forum - Ask questions. Get answers.
Free online course for separated parents
DAD.info | Family | Health | Your health | Fertility: How does miscarriage affect a man?

Fertility: How does miscarriage affect a man?

NellGC

NellGC

Psychotherapist Noel McDermott answers a tough question… How does miscarriage affect a man? Here Noel look at how loss is a natural process that needs support.

Men won’t get any specific set of feelings and experiences after a miscarriage. Everyone’s experience will be unique. However… the focus after a baby is lost is often more on the woman. Our male experience can be seen as secondary. Guys are likely to see themselves as having to be strong in these situations. They might see showing vulnerability and distress as failing in their role as supporter.  So how does miscarriage negatively affect a man?

Toxic masculinity – signs of psychological distress 

We can say with certainty that men who don’t identify difficult feelings and find support for them, will usually turn to destructive ways of coping. Much of what is termed ‘toxic masculinity’ is an expression of psychological distress. In this case, the lack of identifying and dealing healthily with difficult feelings, can result in negative behaviours. For example:

  • excessive drinking
  • aggression,
  • isolation,
  • loss of sleep,
  • changes in appetite,
  • seeking sexual relationships outside the partnership as ways to cope.  

How to deal with feelings in a positive way  

There is a need to provide basic information to men going through miscarriage. There are positive and negative ways of dealing with feelings brought up during times of loss and distress. You can choose how you feel, (in therapy this is called a psycho-educational resource).

Much distress and the development of flawed coping strategies can be avoided by this simple approach:

  1. Gain knowledge about what you can expect
  2. and learn as much as you can about what is normal in times of psychological challenge.

Psychoeducation is in fact one of the cornerstones of modern therapy and is highly effective both in treating distress but also in preventing it. 

What can’t happen is to ‘not’ have feelings. Men may want to put to one side uncomfortable feelings so as to be better at helping and supporting or just to avoid pain. Emotions cannot exist selectively, it’s not possible to choose which ones to have, we either have them or we don’t. Not having emotions involves highly dysfunctional behaviours such as for example, excessive drug and alcohol consumption.  

Normalising feelings and emotions 

What is normal and indeed healthy in this situation will in fact be a broad range of things. Normalising is another tool that is very helpful. Knowing what we are experiencing is normal leads to us developing greater distress tolerance. Which reduces the likelihood of us acting out. We cope better being able to tell ourselves that this is just part of the experience. If a man is suffering from grief, he doesn’t necessarily cry, the range of things that might occur are: 

  • Loss and loneliness 
  • Anger and sadness 
  • Numbing out through grief 
  • Loss of libido or the opposite hyper-sexual responses 
  • Feeling of guilt or the opposite displacement into blame 
  • Problems with sleep, mood, emotional regulation, appetite, motivation, having a general sense of dread, not seeing a hopeful future  
  • Struggles in the relationship as you seem to separate from each other in the hurt and loss 

Male bonding: Men’s emotional health  

The best therapy in life is the company and support of other humans that we care about and who care about us. The herd is where we feel safe. Being with friends boosts our health and wellbeing. Having company when we are troubled reduces our stress responses.

For men, the best approach, is often not dealing with the problem head on. Rather, get to it in a roundabout way by having a good time with mates. Often guys will open up. What most men don’t like is arranging to meet a mate specifically to discuss difficult feelings. That can seem alien and indeed could be counterproductive. Activity based support often works better for men. Organise to go to the football, walk the dog, play computer games. The distraction of the activity reduces the tension of dealing with challenging feelings. This is particularly important after miscarriage, as there may be significant feelings of failure and shame. 

How to support your partner after a miscarriage 

Being able to be honest about how miscarriage is affecting you, is helpful to your partner. You don’t have to bottle it up. Our culture doesn’t teach this to men. However, revealing that you are struggling will help your partner. It can in fact (potentially) reduce their sense of failure and isolation. In this way the possibility of the relationship breaking up, which is big and normal fear for guys, is reduced. The way culture has programmed male psychology is to emphasise being useful. We are taught to provide and do stuff. The more intangible support of just being there rather doing can feel awkward for us. It’s an important skill though! Loss is a natural process that needs little actual intervention. The best approach is a support approach, just be there as you pass through.  

About Noel

Noel McDermott is a Psychotherapist with over 25 years’ experience in health, social care, and education. He has created unique, mental health services in the independent sector. Noel’s company offer at-home mental health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised care teams for the individual. They have recently launched a range of online therapy resources to help clients access help without leaving home – www.noelcdermott.net  

Related entries

The basics of everyday mental health

The basics of everyday mental health

It's World Mental Health Day, but we believe you should focus on your mental health every day. Suicide is the biggest killer of men under 50, and even if you don't feel low now, there are ways you can optimise your every day mental health to help prevent those dips...

Prostate problems: what you need to know

Prostate problems: what you need to know

As it's Men's Mental Health Month (Movember) in November, Dad Info is focussing on awareness of men's health issues. As part of this series we are focussing on prostate problems. What is a prostate? The prostate is a small tube found only in men, surrounding the tube...

Why mental health should be your first priority

Why mental health should be your first priority

As dads it can be tempting to compartmentalise feelings and try to plough on. There are many demands on men, both at work and at home, and the days are full. People depend on you. People need you to show up and carry on- or, at least, that can be the perception....

Latest entries

Fun and easy Easter activities for kids

Fun and easy Easter activities for kids

It's not always easy to think of ways to keep kids entertained during the Easter holidays! So, we have gathered together some great, simple ideas for Easter activities for kids to keep them busy. These activities also result in lovely items that they can decorate the...

How to help a bullied child

How to help a bullied child

For parents, bullying is always a concern. With our child's school lives being mostly a mystery, it can be hard for parents to keep on top of their social interactions, and know how to help a bullied child should they need to. The Anti-Bullying Alliance has found that...

Pin It on Pinterest