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Son doesnt want to visit

 
Lightning
(@lightning)
New Member Registered

Help i need some advice i have a 14 year old son who sporadicly visits hes meant to come every other weekend (i live with 12 year old step son 6 year old daughter and 1 year old son) over the past year my son makes excuses not to come or just doesnt turn up and then ignores texts and calls. were due to go to florida in september with my son.but this in and out hes doing is causing issues in our family our 6 year old daughter adores him and is heartbroken everytime he doesnt turn up hes only seen his little brother about 5 times its heartbreaking he was due to come this weekend but has just messaged asking if we are we going out this weekend and if were not then he doesnt want to come because he doesnt want to stay in the house all weekend. I feel like were being used as it seems he only wants to come if were doing something or its christmas/easter/birthday and he has presents or something im at a loss on how to deal with this, my partner is at the point now where she doesnt want him coming anymore because of the effect its having on the other children can anyone please offer any advice

Quote
Topic starter Posted : 03/06/2022 11:48 am
Daddyup
(@Daddyup)
Prominent Member Registered

Hi there

Its gotta be a tough situation. 

Some of my thoughts are:

What's going on in his life away from you? Is all ok at home? At school? Personal relationships with mother, school friends, girls etc? At that age their own lives are developing and they have competing desires, requests, needs, activities and so try to weigh up which will be most fun, or enjoyable or beneficial to them, kids at that age can be selfish, but it's a phase they go through as trying to develop their personalities and seeing what their own friends are doing and have in their lives..

Does he get on with siblings at yours?

Do you spend any time with him on his own just the two of you?

When he comes over does he get a say in the activities of the weekend? Or are they just decided for him in advance of his arrival?

Have you spoken to him 1 on 1 about things?

Have you spoken to your ex about things?

 

He is at the developing, teenage, puberty age and if you (or your partner) shun him rather than support him for fear of upsetting the apple cart then it may impact your relationship longer term. 

If this was one of the children living with you acting like this (which they may do eg being moody, not participating, not engaging, being disruptive) what would your partner suggest? Would she be more supportive? 

 

Just some of my thoughts.. Children at this age can be challenging and it's something as parents we have to persevere.

 

All the best. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 03/06/2022 12:15 pm
Bill337
(@bill337)
Famed Member

hi,

does your son have any issue being around your partner? if so, then maybe you could keep a slight distance and do just a father son activity, and involve kids. I think you should tell him, yes we will do something fun. encourage him to come that way. and if you do, then doesn't have to be something expensive.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 03/06/2022 2:59 pm
dadhumor
(@dadhumor)
New Member Registered
Posted by: @bill337

hi,

does your son have any issue being around your partner? if so, then maybe you could keep a slight distance and do just a father son activity, and involve kids. I think you should tell him, yes we will do something fun. encourage him to come that way. and if you do, then doesn't have to be something expensive.

Exactly, seems like the son is uncomfortable around his partner and that is totally normal.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 18/06/2022 8:00 am
Clarinet
(@clarinet)
Estimable Member Registered

Hi Lightning,

I support much of what DaddyUp says in their post, especially when talking about spending some 1-1 time with your teenage son. I understand that you have quite a large family, but are you able to set aside some specific time over a weekend just for him? This way he knows that he has you all to himself and you may well find that during your time together he may open up about why he is so reticent sometimes about coming over to see you all. Let him choose what you both will do (within financial reason of course - you are the parent) If you do this before his next planned visit, then this will give him something to look forward to, and to aim for. Like DaddyUp says, aged 14 is and can be a difficult time for teenagers, especially boys, as they are finding their identity, forming friendships and as for the hormones - they can be all over the place ! 

I can understand why your partner is getting frustrated, because your 6 year old looks forward to seeing her big brother, and when he doesn't come, she is very disappointed, thus leaving yourself and your partner to pick up the pieces of your daughters emotions. Perhaps in your 1-1 time you could talk to your son about this and ask him to make even 20 mins of play time with his sister when he is at yours, just to make her feel valued and thought about. 

Fegans (you can search on line) has some great advice on learning to live alongside your teenager, as does another charity called Care For the Family. Lots of helpful tips and advice.

 

Wish you and your family well,

Kind Regards,

Fegans Parent Support Volunteer

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Posted : 04/07/2022 4:52 pm
stolzmax2000
(@stolzmax2000)
New Member Registered

any updates? how is it going with the son? 

This post was modified 2 months ago by stolzmax2000
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Posted : 27/07/2022 11:38 am
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