Hi
I am in the unenviable position of trying to raise two amazing children who's mother suffers from a variety of mental health disorders and personality problems. This is having a great impact on both children with mum being very unpredictable and often completely emotionally detached from them. She dresses very inappropriately and often posts selfies to social media which again upsets my daughter as her friends can see them.To make matters worse she left a few years ago to be with my daughters best friends dad who has controlling narcissistic tendencies. We have been in this seeing mum / not seeing mum for some time now, she doesn't provide any financial support being on disability and very often won't contact the children for weeks.
Has anyone else had similar experiences? My main concern is the effect on the children's well being.
Hi there
This must be very difficult for you and distressing for your children, but really theres no way of controlling this situation without actively cutting her out of their lives.
Without knowing how old your children are it's difficult to try and advise you, if your children are old enough, it might be a good idea to sit down with them and ascertain how they would like to deal with the situation and what they would like to happen.
You would be within your rights to call a halt to contact, if you feel it's upsetting your kids. You could write to her formally to point out that her actions with regard to the children have consequences and ask that she either starts to make an effort to see them regularly and doesn't let them down, or you will take action to protect them.
You might like to think about mediation to try and resolve the issues, and to get some form of understanding and expectation from her to move things forward.
Apart from that all you can do is to be there for them, be honest and caring... which I'm sure you are already doing.
Best of luck
Hi
Thanks for your reply. Yes I have been managing the situation for around 3 years now, the children are aged 8 & 12. Tried mediation and all forgotten two minutes from leaving the office. The other issue we have is that her new partner is an ex solicitor (struck off) who still works "under the wire". In the past she's had him sending all sorts of threats and unpleasantness when I've tried to formalise things or I've tried to reduce the time spent with the children because of her behaviour. I found a local Young Carers charity that has really helped my daughter so that has been a positive
My youngest is still under the impression that Mummy is coming back and that she is staying with a friend although he's slowly getting the picture
Can't your daughter block her mother from social media? That way her friends wouldn't see her - not ideal but it would help a bit.
As long as your communication with your ex about formalising arrangements is civil and reasonable, I wouldn’t worry about such threats, all the more reason to want something more formal. Keep copies of inappropriate texts or emails.
You can instigate mediationby going to see a mediator and talking about the issues you have, they would then invite her to attend, if she refuses the mediator will sign the appropriate forms to enable to to apply to the court for a Child Arrangements Order.
Your daughter can also use NYAS if she would like more support, they understand the legal implications as well as pastoral support.
www.nyas.net
If you haven’t already, you can approach the school to provide some pastoral support for him too, someone who he can talk to about how he is feeeling. It’s worth keeping the school in the loop, especially if it ends up in court.
All the best
Hey, my ex and her partner also have a personality disorder - borderline personality disorder (at least they claim to). I can empathise with how impossible these people are to deal with. I'm glad to hear you at least have custody. It's not that way in my case, and as you can imagine it's horrible knowing my daughter is the care of two people are complete monsters (let's be honest). They are forever messing with my daughter's head, and I'm left to give my daughter the facts (in a child appropriate way, of course).
I've just filed for court for the second time with her. And as you know, they can't be mediated. How long have you been out of that relationship. I would defintely advise a child arrangements order, and if you wanted to raise your concern for the welfare of your children in her care, there's another form for that too (although it's name escapes me right now). From my experience, a court order is an absolute must. Keep a rigorous diary, save all your emails and texts from her (I was foolish and didn't save her texts) and collect all the evidence you can - if her social media profile is public, then screenshot and print out any inappropriate posts and photos.
I would be interested to know what kind of personality disorder your ex has. If you want to PM me, maybe we can swap notes and we might be able to offer each other some tips, if not at least some support. Stay strong, your kids appreciate that they have a great dad.
Hi
Thanks for your message and yes she has blocked her .. again. The issue is when Mum appears better she convinces my daughter that everything is fine!
Hi
Thanks for the advice. The bizarre element in all this is that she asked me to attend mediation last year even though no-one was actually preventing her from seeing the children ! We agreed some things which were all changed the moment we left. She then applied for the certificate but nothing went any further. This time she has contacted me via a very unusual route ( an old client of mine and hers) to say she is getting the certificate and the court will be in touch? She is ignoring my daughters texts completely and I've said to the go -between when would she like to see them but no answer. This happened last year when she was having an "episode". The big problem here is the unpredictability with her many mental health issues. If there is an arrangement she won't be able to stick to it ..
A child’s love is unconditional, it’s easy to understand why your daughter gives her chance after chance.
I’m not really sure what you mean by a certificate, do you mean things that have been agreed between you, that have been put before the court to be written into a consent order?
I wouldn’t leave it to her, I would want to be the applicant in any court case over contact, especially as you have the children with you.
If you don’t think mediation will work, you can speak to the mediator that you used before and explain that all previous agreements from the last time were reneged on and her erratic behaviour and haphazard contact isn’t conducive to further mediation, hopefully they will agree to sign off the form to allow you to make the application.
You would be asking for the order to state that the children live with you, this allows you to make the day to day decisions about your children and gives you more control.
Best of luck