Mother missed contact with my son, he cried his eyes out. How do i navigate this?
My son is 7 and hasnt seen his mum in a year and a half since we moved to Scotland because of housing issues, my dad having cancer and the indifferent demeanour shown towards my son from his mother.
We went to view a property on Monday nearer to where his mum lives and arranged to meet her at 7pm. She spoke to him the night before and he was very excited, she assured him she'd be there, wouldnt miss it for the world etc etc.
She didnt show up, on the phone she said 'i havent got the time' and put on a tired voice.
We left, drove off, five minutes later i look through the rear view mirror and my darling boy burst out crying and didnt stop for 30 minutes. I also started to cry. Ive never seen him cry like that and she caused it. My idiotic assumption that she'd show up also makes me at fault. He never used to cry when she missed contacts because he was too young, he was just confused.
Im welling up again just typing this. She has an older son from a father that supplies drugs etc, but continues to see him regularly. My son came to live with me full time following social service involvement due to her being neglectful, drinking and using drugs. I feel it was deliberate.
Im angry as well. Very angry.
Not sure i can get past this hurt. Its not about me its about my son, obviously, but thats why i am hurt, because HE is hurt.
We travelled 450 miles to view that property and for him to also see her. She couldnt walk 10 minutes up the road.
Can someone tell me why a mother would do this to a gorgeous little boy but shamelessly flaunt her other son around?
thanks for sharing your situation. It must be very stressful for you and of course you are perfectly entitled to feel angry. Being angry is ok - it is a valid emotion, it is how we deal with this emotion that is important. I would suggest that you off load your feelings to someone you can trust, wether it be a friend, family member or professional counsellor. It is important and vital that you look after yourself so you can be the best support to your boy as possible. Perhaps also your sons school maybe able to offer him some support too? It is important to acknowledge his feelings - as you are already doing, and school should be part of this too.
It is clear that you care for your son. I don’t know why his Mum is acting the way she is, but I would advise that you try your hardest not to say anything negative about his Mum infront of him, but instead explain that sometimes grown ups make choices that are not the right ones and these choices have negative outcomes.
Keep reassuring your son that you love him, spend some 1-1 time with him, where he leads what you do, and during this time he may well open up about how he feels about the situation with his mum.
If she is not willing to seek access and meet her son when it is arranged perhaps you need to have some time out from anything to do with her and encourage your son to focus on the life that you and him have.
I hope this makes sense and I wish you both all the very best. Let us know how things go.
Kind Regards Fegans Parent Support
Thank you Clarinet, your words have not gone unnoticed by myself and have (and continue to be) a great source of comfort, inspiration and support for me. This in turn helps me to be a better father for my son. I am indebted to your kind words, I really mean that.
I just dont understand why she's doing this. In response, ive promised myself that should any contacts ever be arranged in the future then i will not inform my son of the contact, just in case she lets him down. I have also completed an online form for Child Maintenance from herself. These things have helped ease my anger.
Thanks for letting me know. One step at a time. Keep building the relationship with your son.