Evening guys and gals. I suspect this post is for those of you who have been dealing with restricted contact for at least over a year as I assume those of us contending with this problem still in its infancy probably are all aboard the emotional roller coaster to some extent.
I am now 6 months in, have come quite a long way, having gone from contact being resisted by my ex to fortnightly overnight stays. I am 6 months in but find my gaps in between seeing my son utterly crushing, especially more so now given that my son is making it clear he wants to stay longer and there is actually proof from her reps who have conceded that my son is enjoying his time with me.
The distance involved means that seeing him during the week is impossible sadly. I find that most days, even at work, my work is a secondary consideration to this nightmare and I can often find myself in a meeting or doing other work, paying attention of sorts and getting it done but its like ive developed a capacity to think about two things at once if that makes sense. I have done all the right things, I have exercised to get the endorphins flowing, played football, got out and about with friends, went to see my family yet nothing seems to take my mind off it and the accompanying sad feeling. I have been to the dr and am on anti depressants.
on playing football recently, a considerable time into it, by which stage the blood would have been pumping to induce the endorphins for some time in theory, I took a shot at goal and even at that precise second I was thinking about my son as I went towards the goal.
I find myself crying alone still quite a lot at times. I don't drink loads and thought If I watched at weekends what I drink if I go out and not have to much, it wouldn't have the typical post alcohol depressive effect it can do if you go on a binge but even with like 4 drinks over 6 hours, I found myself in tears all day yesterday. I have cancelled an upcoming night out next Friday as I have to just drink nothing as even moderate responsible consumption affects my mood the day after. The night out in question, everyone else will be drunk after a few hours so going and drinking juice id probably have enough of them irritating me and go home early to the point that id not be out long enough to keep my mind off things as id be home to early to have occupied the night if you see what I mean.
Anyhow, I'm rabbiting on, obviously I will always be sad to some degree when these gaps happen between seeing each other and the sadness will lessen once he is old enough to be independent and we can arrange stuff together without anyone else needing to comply but in the meantime, how long have others got to the 'acceptance' stage and been able to 'move on'? I guess I have tried to convince myself I am at the acceptance stage instead of the grief part and in honesty I think I fluctuate between the two but would love to know others experience and how long it has taken them to achieve acceptance and be sad but not let it dominate their life as I am doing at present.
People differ I understand, would be just nice to get a feeling for the potential difference in the spectrum that others have had to journey through to come out the other side.
It's an absolute killer mate I've been suffering exactly the same feeling you have been, them 9 months of not seeing my baby slim were without a doubt the worst 9 months of my life, I then got to see her every two weeks in that [censored] contact centre and in between the two weeks it starts to become a killer worse than I was feeling in them 9 months, the [censored] just gets to you man and I honesty don't know how I coped with it so I can't advise on how you could all I seem to do is concentrate on the end game knowing full well that I will get to see baby slim regular until she's 16 I realised that the courts are just a process and we will get there it just takes time and you have to go through the motions you need patience and [censored] of steel.
I too burst into tears every 2 mins at work I've crashed 3 works vans and had 2 work accidents until they said go home and chill for a few weeks so it's totally normal, now I've got a final hearing date I feel loads better its not having a end date which is a killer too and it is one [censored] of a rollercaoster but in a strange phucked up way I think it has made me a better parent and a better person I love standing up there and fighting for baby slim and taking them twats head on its such a buzz.
I can promise you things will get better and theres always someone worse off that you I thank phuck I wasnt married to the [censored] no houses to mess with and no solicitors to milk me dry keep your chin up man we're always here 🙂
Slim 🙂
Smashing Ibiza helped me this summer djing out there, just getting away on my own was a life saver just time alone with my thoughts with no one to worry about then tearing the back door out of clubs was ace lol, When I'm in the mix is the only time I don't think of anything I'm on another planet maybe you could book yourself away for the weekend somewhere?
Hi Mate,
It is a nightmare journey, I'd like to say that there is a way to find a happy medium, but in all honesty all there is, is an acceptance of what is happening that you learn to deal with.
I can relate 100% to being in work and not concentrating fully while thinking of things, I quite often broke down at work, I had a great boss (well for listening and understanding anyway, he wasn't a great people manager but that's another story Lol) and he would often ask how things were going, we would have a closed doow chat and I knew he was interested rather then just giving lip service. A few times he could see that things were getting too much and he would send me off for a drive to clear my head.
I'm not much of a drinker so have never really used drink to fill the time, but again I get the feeeling of being sober when everyone else is hammered and feeling left out or annoyed by them.
To be honest you are doing all the right things, it will just take time to get used to what is happening, we are all here for support as always.
I guess the one thing that makes things better for me is helping and supporting others through this forum, there are spells when I'm quite on here as things are taking over my head too much but when I can help others through the forum then I know that at least what I've been through and still going through can help others journeys a little easier. I have seen so many members come and go, many stay and give support once they have managed to accept there situation and that's what makes this site so good, sharing knowledge and support.
As I've said before I have become friends with members from this site and talk almost daily to them off line helping them through the battles, I guess knowing your not alone is a big help too, knowing someone is reading your posts and is happy to offer advice and not becuase like solicitors they are being paid to do so, but as they want to help.
anyway I'm rambling now Lol
GTTS
thank you so much folks. sorry I never thanked you earlier. Sadly the rollercoaster has taken me to the depths of despair this week. So much so that I have realised being on holiday from work makes me worse. I have a surplus of holidays to use from work such is my reluctance to use them, in a fairly short space of time. Although at work, I think about this all the time to, there is at least dual topics to be considered, this and work. At home, its just this.
I am actually going to ask them to just let me work continually and ill use maybe a small portion of them and give up the rest. I have went from a family man who's holidays were enjoyable and passed far to quickly to having nothing to do on them but dwell even more on my situation so there is no positive reason to take them.
Some people would just love a break to get away from it all. I have no desire to go away alone and even If I went with friends, I think I would just pine for being home and mope about.
I'd b inclined to take the holiday, but do something like a walking holiday - you can still be alone and upset, but it just gets you away from the work environment, which I think you need, and just try to get your thoughts together.
Hi There,
I agree with ACTD, being away and only having your thoughts and nothing else is daunting, but actually it can be a good thing, even if you had some time off and drove to a local seaside and went walking, it may help you get your head straight, Time alone with your thoughts can be tough, but actually your head also needs time to proccess whats going on without the other distractions.
You may even find that with some time off, visiting a counsellor would benifit you greatly, they would help support you through the changes and help you come to terms with the change. There are many options for councelling available and some are charities and won't turn anyone away even if money is tight.
Just a thought.
GTTS
I find it very hard to deal with the ups and downs of emotions, being still in on and off contact with wife doesn't help, when she says going to arrange for all to start seeing each other i'm on a massive high then it doesn't happen it almost destroys me. I think the court process doesn't help, it takes to long, the in between waiting does your head in and I only get to first hearing next week. I don't have any family to support me, without the people on here I wouldn't be here now, that what ever the outcome I will never forget the support ive been given. Reading positive stories on here is really helpful. Today is my birthday, arrived home from work, thought wife would have at least sent card from bairn, nothing, that hurts, I really want to go down the pub and get so drunk, but that doesn't help. You know what really gets me, its the silence, house is so quiet without them, Slim gave good advice, you've got to get out, do things, so I try, mostly fishing, trying to catch that allusive Greyling, Got to keep positive. I keep one thing in mind, well two, that I will get to see bairn again and what my wife told me once, "it's about time you got some [censored] and stood up for what you believe in" well got the [censored] now, think she regrets saying that, cause i'l fight like [censored] now.
Honestly time away really does help on two of the occasions I went to Ibiza this summer I didn't do any DJ'ing I just wondered around in the Sun doing different things every day bearing in mind I don't believe in anything I don't believe in God nothing but I found myself going to the Cathedral in Ibiza town every day before I went on my missions, It helped me loads just chilling in that place at one with my thoughts then strutting about in the Sun just thinking saved my bacon if I'm honest.
I threw myself into work for the first 5 months of this year I worked 7 days a week for at least 12 hours a day I put myself on 24/7 call out as I couldn't bear being in my flat on my own I have no family around me where I live and not that many close friends, all that work did keep my mind busy but it didn't help as much as having a break.
It actually got to the point where my bosses said I MUST take time off or they will make me have a holiday. I ended up at arriving at work one friday and just started crying and crying I couldn't take it no more I needed a break I didn't want to as I thought it would have the same effect like you said I honestly forced myself to book the flights away and I flew to Ibiza that night, as soon as I booked them flights I started to feel better.
I was always my dream to dj out there so when I landed I went straight to the main drag in san an and just asked for gigs and I landed myself a couple straight away and absolutely smashed it sideways it was so liberating and I felt so free it was the first time in 7 months I never thought about the courts and missing my daughter I was out there exactly 24hours and flew back I ended up going out there 5 times this summer and it was the best thing I could of ever done, it didn't help the pain go away but it all helped me with coping.
Now after I got back from my last trip things started going my way I got a contact order and started seeing my Girl but then like you struggled with the two weeks in between then actually started to feel worse than I did previously and how you have explained how you are now, this time I was screwed as Ibiza season was over I was skint and couldn't really do anything to take my mind off things, I yet again tried to throw myself into work but this time It din't help at all I started making mistakes ended up in a RTA, then I crashed the hire van as the other got written off, then I had a work accident then crashed another van at work, I got a call off the head honcho and he said go home have two weeks off on full pay and come back to work when you have got your head together.
This seemed to help more than ibiza I started to get a decent nights sleep caught up with everything around my flat I caught up on all my bills prepared my court bundles ect and it was more of a relaxing time than Ibiza as that was just hardcore, I have hardly drank this year I've kept away from it as it will make me worse and I'll probs do something stupid when I'm pissed.
As it happens I got a call from my Boss who said I have to use the rest of my hols up before xmas so I'm currently enjoying another week off and I've got another few days next month, I can't recommend it more so use your holidays up man bite the bullet and do it I swear you will feel better for it, trust me I'm a DJ lol
My ex hit the roof when she seen all the pics of me smashing it in Ibiza it done her nut seeing me getting on with my life and enjoying myself so don't let your ex win she will like nothing more than knowing you are depressed.
I still struggle now I miss my daughter even though the final hearing is in 4 weeks it seems like years away, try and start dating again and getting out if you can I've been meeting girls for a coffee, give old friends a call go out with them, I found I'd meet girls and just harp on about my daughter and the ex so they ran for the hills now I've stopped that I've got them knocking all the time I'm not really interested as I'm only concerned about my daughter and can't be doing with a relationship at this present moment but it feels good getting back in the saddle.
It's hard mate but you have to force yourself to do it only you can change the way you are feeling and I know your not suicidal or anything but honestly give the samaritans a call they are fantastic I've spoke to them 5 times this year they are great defo worth a try 🙂