Hi all,
In need of some advice. My sons mother is making my life a living misery. There has always been an issue including not being “allowed” to have my son around my wife (who she only speaks about by using every known insult), not being allowed to have my son unless I answer all of her texts immediately while I have him (the messages are literally like “can you send me a photo of him” and these will be from around 20 mins after i have picked him up, I only have him for about 6 hours). We do not have a good relationship and she dictates all I can and can’t do with him and if I don’t agree, she tells me not to bother picking him up as she won’t let me have him. Every time we get over a hurdle and I can see him, something else happens. This time is the money.
We have an informal agreement where I send her £100 every month since he was born and I have never missed a payment. She is currently demanding more money and because I have said no she hasn’t let me see my son for the past two weeks. I have 2 other children and know for a fact that what I send is more than enough for a toddler. I lost my job recently due to covid and am also at university trying to finish a degree to make sure I can get a decent job for my kids. I send her money out of my not so great student loan every month or bits of money I’ve had saved, I’ve never fallen short or missed a payment. Infact some months if I have had some spare, I have sent her a little bit extra. She is now saying that I have to send £150 a month or I cannot have contact with him. Told her I can’t afford it and so it’s been two weeks of me not seeing him. She sends me abusive messages saying she now has pay for a childminder too because of me, how can that be my fault if she’s the one not letting me have him on those agreed days because I can’t give her the extra 50?
I’ve been on the cms calculator and due to my circumstances she would be entitled to about 25% of what I give her now if she went through them! That’s obviously not the route I want to take myself as I’m happy to keep giving my son £100 but If she doesn’t let me see him and she goes through cms, surely I wouldn’t have the pay that and then send her extra too? Heads gone here and not sure what to do!
Hi,
sorry to hear your having a tough time. Sounds like your being held to ransom. I would recommend you pay £20 to CMS and sign yourself up. Then you only pay what CMS tell you to. if you want to pay extra, its up to you. Contact and finance are 2 separate issues. I think you will continue to face problems and you may have to consider taking legal route to get an arrangement put in place to see your child. She may demand more and more money from you.
Hi
Open a case with CMS and let them work out what to pay. Pay that amount and then a separate amount as voluntary CMS to make up the £100.
In relation to contact, sounds like you need to go via the court route to avoid all this hassle.
The fact you have been seeing him is positive and you should explain that reason for applying is that you have been seeing him, however mother has requested more money than CMS state and stopped contact when you haven't paid it.
Some of the pit falls are that your ex stops contact in the interim. If there are delays at court and contact has been stopped for a while then you will need to build it up slowly. Things with ex could get worse. She may raise safe guarding issues that need investigating (even false ones to frustrate) . However you have a new family and therefore these should resolve any issues as clearly no safeguarding issues.
You could try mediation maybe and see if that resolves some of the issues by having an adult conversation although she may decline to attend.
Sometimes discussing things via email can be easier and she may engage that way. If she doesn't or if she is negative in her response then you'd have more evidence in addition to the evidence you already have.
It's key that you are seen to be calm, reasonable and diffusing in your communication with ex as this can be used as evidence at court.
All the best.
Thanks everyone. I did advise her that I was going to set up a cms claim and go through the courts about access and she has now let me see him after a few weeks of not letting me see him. But now she is doing the opposite...she’s saying and I quote “being As you’re too broke to give your son an extra £50” I have to have him on more days than we agreed to and over nights and if I don’t agree I can’t see him again. But the days and nights she’s suggesting aren’t reasonable as I’ve started working too. It’s from one extreme to the other. None of this makes any sense to me, this is about the fourth time she has stopped me seeing him then a few weeks later changed her mind about the issue which just shows me there never was an issue, it’s just her on a Power trip. I’m not daft so I’m going to carry on with court proceedings.
also just to note, i already give a lot more than cms tell me to and every time he comes round he’s wearing new £50 trainers. I’ve counted 10 pairs to date!!! This is what I’m under pressure to fund?!
hi,
yes it seems you don't have much choice other than to apply for a child's arrangement order. money should not dictate whether you get to see your child or not. If you open a CMS case she will probably be unhappy with the amount they tell you to pay, and she will probably carry on stopping you seeing child.
Yes. I’m going to start proceedings for an arrangement order. Because she knows this and that cms will give her much less she hasn’t mentioned the money again. But now she’s doing other things to make life awkward. She finally let me see him again and said I would need to give her specific times that we stick to every week. I did that, I gave her specific times and I was meant to have him today. She started texting me in the morning saying she’s got plans so I need to have him later today and won’t be home and that if I can’t have him later, I’ll have to drive nearly an hour to drop him off to her brothers house. When I brought up the fact that she was banging on about structure and can’t stick to it herself she has arranged for someone else to have him today instead. Please note that about a month ago I asked if I could pick him up one hour later and she said no and then didn’t let me see him because I tried to change the time. Seems like this game will be played until a judgement is made. I don’t understand why it’s one rule for me and another for her either
Its best until you get to family court and get a proper child arrangements order to do what she says for now. Contact albeit on her terms is better than nothing at all.
With her hinting at set times it maybe that you will have from now until your court hearing to think of some proposals. I am guessing your child is young which may make things difficult. Nursery/school picks up are always good and making sure you get overnights