I had an interesting conversation with my 5 year old daughter this evening.
When I was tucking her into bed, she started telling me that her mum and her mum's partner tell my daughter and his 5 year old son to go up to the attic and stay there. She then said that there's toys in the attic, but said she doesn't like going up there because mum's partner's son's scary halloween costumes are up there. She said she goes to her room and lies on her bed instead. She said she's not allowed to go anywhere else,
I asked what mummy and her partner did whilst they were up in the attic by themselves, I asked if they did this when they needed to cook dinner or something like that. She told me no, they get sent up there when mummy and partner are having [censored].
I was surprised that she knew the word [censored]. She then said 'Mummy said I musn't spy on [censored]'. I asked her what she meant. It turns out that she had gone to see what mummy and partner were up to a couple of times and caught them at it. She was told to leave the bedroom, and my daughter told me they then carried on 'for a long time', both times.
She was very confused about what [censored] is, and I tried my best to tell her on a 5 year old's level. Personally, I feel she is far too young for too much detail and I just said it's something grown ups do when they want to show that they love each other.
I also felt I should say, and I did it in the gentlest way possible without trying to make anyone sound bad, that my opinion was that if children are awake and in the house, parent's should be looking after them, and [censored] was something grown ups should do at a time when there aren't children about.
I told her that she hadn't been naughty (as she seemed a bit worried about 'spying' on mummy and partner), but that if she knows it's happening next time (it seems she's clued up on when it's happening now), to not enter the room (I don't want her seeing anything inappropriate).
Her mum is [censored] obsessed and has been highly promiscuous in the past. So, I knew where the conversation was heading, as it was only a matter of time. She often comes to the door adjusting her knickers, hair in a mess, red lips...
I was wondering if anyone would have dealt with this differently? And what people think in general. We've all heard our parents having [censored], but this seems more of a cause of concern to me.
Also, although it sounds like they are using the attic as a playroom, and apparently it has stairs up to it, how safe is it? My daughter says the floorboards creek. She also has asthma, When I was little, our first house had an attic but I used to get told off from going in there as it was too dangerous.
There's a lot more I could say on the [censored] thing and my ex's sexual behaviour, but I could end up writing a whole essay!
Hi there
I think there are many kids that are aware when parents are having [censored], but if your daughter is unhappy to be up in the attic, then I think you should address that with the mother... you wouldn't be telling her not to but to ask her to bear your daughters worries in mind... it's a difficult one.
Maybe I'm overreacting but I know my ex's sexual behaviour and past, and she isn't the person you want with custody of your child, let alone introducing them to their sexual antics.
I can understand completely, I don't think you're overreacting but apart from talking to your ex about it, I can't think of much else you could do. Just keep an eye on the situation, without bringing it up to your daughter, it's not really an age appropriate topic, but ok to talk gently about should she bring it up.
Hi There,
I agree talking with your ex would be the only option at the moment at least, it would be difficult to do much more.
If things get worse or your daughter starts to talk about things she has seen if she end up seeing or even being told more then that may be the time to try and do more.
GTTS
Yeah, that's all I can do for the moment. It's just hard not to worry isn't it.
I think I may have been over-worrying about the attic being unsafe. Well, there's no way of knowing for sure, but I've just learnt from my dad who sees a lot of attics with his job, that not all attics are dark and dingy like the one we had I was a kid,
I would try to talk to your ex and perhaps consider delicately raising that you have potential concerns with the school if you have any contact with them. They can keep an eye on things too?
If it's a proper conversion, then it should be perfectly safe up there. I wonder whether the conversation could be a compromise - that the attic could be converted to a proper playroom, with your daughter having a free hand in how it's decorated, so she feels comfortable going up there. It's not the ideal situation, but it might be the best situation for the time being.