Hi all.
I'm new to all this so sorry as I'm sure plenty of people ask the same thing every day. I can't seem to find the same thing as myself.
Basically I have a few questions.
Let's now start the story.
Me and my ex had a boy together. Around 3 years ago I left my ex as things wasn't working out. My name is on the birth certificate. For the first few months she made it awkward for me to see him. Finally she let him stay overnight and I had it from around 5-6 until 12 the next morning.
I found it difficult as I was so used to having him 24/7 to just having him at weekends. I found it hard and struggled to enjoy my time with him. But I continued. I worked hard at it. For the last year I have had my son from either Friday or Saturday at 4 til 1 the next day. Things were getting better and better. He loves coming to mine and I love having him. I enjoy these hours now as I can properly enjoy the time again.
Me and my ex had an agreement that new partners could meet after 6 months. Me and my partner have brought a house together just before Christmas. Been together almost a year now. And she still refuses to let her meet my boy. My girlfriend has been having to go back to her mums while I have him on weekends just to please the ex. The exs excuse is that her new fella is fighting to meet his kids. And until he wants to meet its a no because she's not letting one without the other. To me though I live with her. It's her house and that's where my boy would have to stay and is staying. He has his own room which he picked bless him.
2 weeks ago now she asked me to have him longer. I didn't want too as I love the times I have. Worried due to how I struggled before I didn't want more. But I agreed to adding a few hours on. The second I agreed the ex then stated its either the second I finish work Friday til his bedtime Sunday otherwise I don't have him no more. This is the way it's been from day 1 with her. I've had to lend her money. Add time. Different things otherwise I don't see him. She wanted to take my last name off of him before. When I refused she stopped contact.
She owes me £200 and told me to take it off the direct debit I pay because she's told me I won't see him again until I have all weekends anyway. Now if I did take it. Can she claim to CSA for example and get it back?
I just don't know where to start to see him again. Is mediation where I need to be calling. (Not that she will agree To anything anyway) or do I just take her to court. I miss my son. It's been 2 weeks now since I've seen him and my heart breaks because of it.
Sorry to ramble on. Any advise would be much appreciated.
Thank you
Hi There and welcome.
I would start with mediation, book an appointment and have her invited, if she doesn't come along then the mediator can give you a form to show you have been, then you can apply to the court where you can raise ALL the issues, you can apply for full weekends and have it written into the order so you know where you stand and you can also have it written about him meeting your new partner so that gets sorted.
When and if you do apply to the court ask them on the application for for an interim order to be raised at the first hearing then hopefully contact will resume quicker as it should be dealt with when you first attend.
If you look in our legal section there is a post on how to represent yourself through court which is the best way to do it, you don't need solicitors at all as there doesn't seem to be any complicated issues here.
GTTS
Thank you. I've made the call to mediation and there sending her a letter in the post today. Hopefully the quicker the better. 🙂
tshirt's advice about how to approach this issue in the first instance is correct.
You're required to attempt mediation before any possible court action anyway, so why not put a wholeheated effort into it?
With regards to the '£200 owed'.
I can bet you as night follows day, that if you take it out of CSA payment she will deny giving you permission to do so.
The money you pay via CSA is for the child's maintenance, not for what is owed you through a private agreement.
Well I've called mediation who are sending out the invite to her today now. So I'm glad things are starting to take progress. I don't currently pay through CSA. It's a direct debit transfered into her bank at the amount she agreed. And I have texts saying to keep the next 2 payments so she's paid me off. That's exactly why I haven't stopped them. Because like you say. The minute I do she will claim she didn't tell me too. I'm not bothered about the £200. I just want contact with my child again. So I'm currently excited at the prospect of mediation or court fixing the situation and having something in writing the next time she decides I can't see him because I havnt agreed with her.
Thanks for all the responses. I really do appreciate it
Hi,
I think if you can keep your payment arrangement a private one rather than through CSA it's better and as your paying via direct debit you can prove you are pying, just make sure the payment reference is logged as maintenance so she can't claim it was for anything else.
With regards to the £200 it may be worth writting this off you could bring it up at the court if you go and work out a re payment scheme say £20 a month until it's paid, that would show you are reasonable in your approach but that you won't be walked all over, the judge may not want to discuss this though as it's not really the main concern, though you may be able to raise it as a side issue within the court and just have it written in the order as a not so you are covered.
The other option with the £200 is that you send her a message offering to deduct £20 a month rather than stopping the payments altogether until paid off, having proof of this agreement in txt or email would cover you and again, show the court (if she raised it) that although she offered to pay it back by you stopping payments for 2 months you wanted to ensure your son didn't go without so you set an amount that was better.
Glad your feeling better, keep coming back for any advice you need and we will try and help.
GTTS
Thanks for all the replies again. Much appreciated.
So since the last time I spoke. I've called mediation who issued a letter to her. She never responded and so tomorrow I go alone to speak to them. I'm hoping I get some sort of letter to proceed with court.
She did however text me saying she wanted to call me and discuss everything. I've just got off the phone with her. I recorded everything. I understand I proberly can't use this.
She's stated a few things I'm curious about.
1) She says she's spoken to a lawyer who have stated she will get legal aid. I didn't think she did in court nowadays?
2) she will take me to CSA. Apparently they will look at the join income of me and my girlfriend and pay from that. I didn't think they looked at my girlfriends income? It's now her child after all.
3) she will win full custody because she I don't see my son every week. ( I did until she stopped me. Unless of course the weather prevented me )
4) the courts will make me have my him all weekend every weekend anyway. I would like to have him sort of one weekend miss the next. Not every single weekend. I would rather plan and enjoy my time with him as I struggled in the past as I said. After having him 4 til 1 the next day I think every weekend for the full weekend would be too much.
5) she might not even show up in court so I will get nothing anyway. Surly a court will do something if she refuses to turn up?
Any help would be appreciated. I understand I may not sound like the best person because I don't want him every weekend. But I want to make the most of the time I have. Every other weekend I think would be brill.
Thank you
Hi There,
I'm not sure on the situation for legal aid, I have a feeling if she has claimed DV then it is still available, can be sure on that though.
Again as far as I am aware CSA/CMS will only look at your income and not that of your partners, as you say it's your child not hers.
The courts will look at a suitable situation for both of you, they will hold hearings and discuss what is possible and what is best for the child, they may suggest every weekend, but you are able to respond, the judge does have the final say, bt if you have expressed that you can't do every weeekend, it's very unlikely they would enforce that.
If she doesn't show up at court that will be a difficult one, as I woud imagine the judge would just rescedule which will drag things out, I'm not sure on how they proceed if someone doesn't turn up, but if she doesn't turn up on several occasions I would have thought they would rule without her being there, and would take a dim view on the fact that she would come and discuss what was best for your child.
GTTS
Great response thank you. I'm a little scared now as mediation have just told me that it could take 6 months. Don't know how I'll go that long without seeing him. But I have the mediation letter to go to court now as she didn't bother turning up or calling them back