[Solved] Feel disconnected and lost. Is this normal?
First time dad to be in September. Just had a secondary 20 week scan and found out we're having a boy, which I was thrilled about.
The problem is that outside of the times where we're at a scan (which is visual and real), I feel completely disconnected from my unborn kid and generally sad and lost.
Is this normal? Shouldn't I feel excited and generally a bit more interested?
Don't have a great relationship with my own folks and I've struggled with depression in the past. Also working through partners issues that she's finally attended counselling for. Are these factors or am I just reading to much into things?
Should I just chill out and wait for September?
Each person is an individual and there are no "rules" as to what you should feel or when. Let nature take it's course and don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself by thinking you should be, quote, "excited and generally a bit more interested" or expect yourself to be the same as others, if you do this it will only serve to create anxiety, stressful situations and possibly make you depressed.
I personally think you should, quote, "chill out and wait for September," look after yourself and support your partner with the issues she has sought counselling for then you will both be in a better situation to cope with the new arrival.
Everyone is different regarding how they feel.
My son was born eight years ago and i remember thinking thoughts similar to yours prior to the birth..... thinking that i should be feeling more than what i was at the time...... these changed though once my son was born and i was able to bond with him.... i think its different with women and that maternal bonding starts early....... possibly due to hormones and spending most o their childhood practicing being a mummy 🙂 ..... to illustrate the point my 5 yo daughter said exactly that when i was asking my kids what they would like to be when they grow up recently...... my daughter piped up that she wants to be a mummy...... its inbulit in women from early on.
I completely agree with MOF in that you should make sure that your looking after yourself in light of your previous struggles with depression. The thing with depression that i found was that i just couldn't get excited about anything..... no matter how i tried. Personally if i was you i'd make sure that you keep yourself in tip top shape, make sure you exercise regularly as this helps keep it at bay, keep eating and find things to be happy about...... keep a positive frame of mind by looking for those happy moments in the day..... spend 10 minutes at the end of each day to reflect and note the positives down..... even if its as simple as settling in to a nice bed at the end of the day!.....
Part of the problem is knowing where to find the resources to turn the situation around before it gets too bad, and this is a good place to start.
keep posting and let us know how you get on.
You can't help what you feel, but it's really positive that you are self-aware right now. I do think you just need to go with it, look after yourself and your partner and I'm sure you won't feel disconnected once your son arrives.
Thanks for your kind words, guys. I'll keep fighting the good fight!
I'm also about to be a dad and it came as a surprise to us, we didn't want it just yet. after a couple of months my girlfriend was already in love with the baby inside her but it's taken/taking me way longer to really feel strongly about it. I've spoken to mates and they say until it's born or even a few months old, that's normal. It's hard not to keep questioning and doubting yourself though, I know.
I've been writing a blog about my reactions to it all - if you want to have a look, it's https://suddenlyfatherhood.wordpress.com/. all feedback appreciated!
Good luck Dave!
It might be a good idea to post in our blogs section!
All the best
It might feel less real to you now but when baby starts kicking on a regular basis you'll feel a little more connected to him. It might help to give your baby a "bump" name - we called one of ours "squiggle" until she was born. Maybe buy a pregancy book so that you can understand what's about to happen and feel more involved. Also talking to your partner might help ease some of the fears and unknowns for both of you - being able to talk about baby helps to make things seem more like a joint effort - dad's can often be left out as a lot of the attention goes to mom.
It's normal to feel a huge range of emotions for both mom and dad - anything from total confidence to absolute fear. I bet bump is a little confused by it all as well. Try talking to him as often as possible - he'll get to know the sound of your voice and when he's born (maybe) he'll respond more to you. I used to put my head on my partners tummy and have a good old chin-wag with baby. Mom probably thought I was bonkers but I enjoyed it. I used to tell "bump" all about the big wide world and what to expect and not to be naughty and all sorts. Maybe I am a bit bonkers! 🙂
Just checking back in on this nearly three years down the line to let you know that Isaac is now two and a half and is my best mate and human shadow.
Things turned out great 🙂
good to hear from you. glad your having a great relationship with your child. its very cute when they are so clingy and are stuck to your leg :p