Hello Everyone, I am Michael. This will be a long post but I hope that in the end I will be able to get some help and support. I have been in a "emotionally abusive" relationship. I am 25 years old and she is 37 years old, she has 2 children from a previous relationship, And we have 2 children together with another on the way. I was with this woman for 5 years and have previously left the relationship and moved in with my family who live 100 miles from her. Her 2 older children are 16 and 14. The way they act is atrocious, Her son who is 16 drinks, smokes weed and smokes cigarettes. Wont make his own drinks or food ( she does this all for him ). Her daughter is 14, smokes cigarettes, drinks alcohol and I found out has been kissing and god knows what else with a 21 year old man. My ex refuses to believe it all even though her daughter had admitted it. I suffer from impulsive borderline personality disorder and bipolar. I have only just recently been diagnosed after years of battling mental demons. I have always said to my ex i needed mental help but all i got is i'm just over reacting and that if I go to the doctors they will put my kids into care. I went against her word and got mental help but never told them about my children due to the worry of having them taken into care. I have recently started my own window cleaning business as previously i have struggled with working in a job, she would tell me it wasn’t enough money, I wasn’t home enough, i was working with too many women. you name it. I have had over 20 jobs in last 5 years to try and satisfy her. I have done everything in my power to make this women happy but I cant take any more of her venomous words. how I’m not good enough or how she's going to go sleep with someone else (this to her is a joke which i take too far). She Smokes and Drinks and when she drinks she drinks 2 big bottles of Lambrini. I have come home at 1 in afternoon and seen a half bottle of lambrini on the side. she says its her coping mechanism i told her she clearly has a drinking problem. when she drinks she is vile, has hit me, threatened to stamp on my head, threatened to sleep around etc. Then the next morning I'm the one in the wrong. There is so much more, I have previously tried to jump of a bridge because of how vile she has been to me but all I get is i'm too soft etc. I am NOT on the birth certificate as she refused to let me be there, I wasn't at either birth. she didn't tell me my son had been born untill he was 3 days old and called me while in labour to my daughter i told her i was 3 hours away on train which was correct as she had thrown me out so i had to go to my dads. so she turned off her phone to me. She has previously made me homeless. And made me sell my things and get out loans for her. I got a £3000 compensation claim and gave the majority to her to try and please her and just got moaned at for having no money. I pay for my kids every week £80 privately as this is all i can pay and see them every weekend driving for 2 hours, while im with my kids she wont let me take them anywhere, just gives me abuse, calls me names, gets my kids to call me names etc. they only 4 and 2. Im fed up now and dont want her in my life any longer but i dont know how i can gain access without her being there and if my mental health will effect anything.
Sorry for the long post and thank you for reading.
Hi there
At least you have made the first step and have moved out, it must have been a hard decision to make and you have shown a lot of strength by doing it.
It's also good that you're getting help with your mental health issues, but I do think it might be a good idea to be open with them about your family situation, as it's a source of much distress for you, it might help them to help you more effectively.
If you are managing your condition and are able to work and function normally, it shouldn't stop you from being a part of your children's lives. I don't think it's good for you to have to go to her house to see the children, especially as she is abusive towards you, and it's totally wrong of her to encourage the children to do this too.
If you tell your mental health doctor or community nurse about the domestic violence that you've been subjected to they will make a record of it, which might be helpful if you have to go to court to get access to your children. You might also think about talking to Social Services about your concerns, is she drinking whilst she is pregnant? Telling the children to call you names is a form of child abuse.
Would your parents be able to help you with contact, or at least go with you on contact visits? You might be entitled to legal aid to pay for mediation, this would be your first step to try and get some agreement with her about contact and the fact that you don't want to see your children at her home. Here's a link to the mediation services
www.nfm.org.uk
All the best