Hi, this is my first time writing anything like this so here goes,....
Me and my ex got together approximately 6 years ago, I had 2 children through another relationship and used to see them every Friday to Sunday without fail. Me and my new partner took them out and did family things on the weekends, went on holidays and she was starting to become a real mum figure to them, my daughter who was about 2 at the time even started calling her mama, my partner wasn't fazed and took it all on board, she was a brilliant step mum to my 2! So after a few years had passed and we had lived together after 3 months of seeing each other. In them few years we had fallen out a few times, most notably when I didn't tell her I failed to pay a few bills, which did get sorted but she was hurt that I wasn't more open about it. Not long after, my children's mum didn't turn up on the Sunday to collect my children after contact, after phoning several of her family members it turned out she had gone to meet a new 'fella' about 300 miles from me and she wouldn't be back for at least another week! Shocked and appalled and after speaking with my partner and parents we decided to keep the children with us and not return them to their mother until she had explained her actions etc. Long story short cafcass were involved and it lasted about 12 court appearances and 18 months and eventually I won residency, and parental responsibility over them! I have to admit that if it wasn't for my partner I don't know if I could have made it through all that time, it was a struggle but in the end they now live with me and they see their mum every 2 weeks for a weekend (the judge saw straight through her and said she had neglected her children). So now on to current affairs, me and my now ex have a child together who is nearly 2 and a little star, so we had a family of 5 living together, which was awesome. About 6 months ago my for some unknown reason I started smoking canabis (which I dabbled a little when I was younger). Obviously I wasn't open about this with my then girlfriend, and used to sneak out or make excuses about going to the shops just to have a spliff, then spend half an hour chewing gum and mints to get rid of the smell before returning home as if nothing had happened, totally stupid and embarrassing, so I got caught. My partner moved out to my mums and I was begging and promising never to do it again, she took the kids with her and said she planned on moving to her own place. I had lied, lost her trust and heart, and worst of all was taking drugs (maybe because of stress but there is no excuse at all). After a few weeks of diplomatic like negotiations we tried again and she moved back in, BOOM I smoked some more weed, this time in the back garden when I thought she had gone shopping for the day, I sneaked out at about midday to have a joint, finished, closed the back door and then she appeared, I knew she hadn't meant to catch me, but the worst thing was my 9 year old boy was upstairs in the house, so I was basically taking drugs whilst in charges of my boy! She obviously hit the roof and has since moved out with my youngest, and my 2 eldest now live with me as their single dad. I still work full time and have a good job with very good pay, and I'm lucky that my parents live nearby and can help with school runs! She has moved in her own place now for about 4 months, in that time we have spent time together and as a family of five, we talked about going slow and sorting things out. Anyways about 2 weeks ago we ended up having a row because I felt she wasn't being as close and I asked her what she wanted and she said it wasn't me, so I told her she couldn't see my 2 kids if she didn't want to be with me as she would end up giving them up if/when she has a new guy in her life, and hasn't got time to be 'the step mum', so since then she has refused to let me see my youngest boy who lives with her, I have tried to ring and text in these last 2 weeks and she is not replying to anything apart from twice where she has replied 'go through a solicitor' by text message! So I now have a situation where I have my 2 eldest living with me at home, my ex lives with our son, and she won't let me see him and is refusing all contact, I have tried contacting her mum and other family member and they are all ignoring me, I'm at my wits end just because I want to see my son, I told her I didn't mean that she couldn't see my other 2 children and that it was in the heat of the moment of rowing, but still I get nothing. Apologies for my rushed state educated writ, but I would love feedback on what people think of my actions or if people have had similar issues, I can elaborate on points anybody doesn't understand, thanks for taking the time to read.
Stu
Ouch! nightmare first and foremost try not to make the situation any worse defo no more threats about stopping her from seeing the other children thats using the kids as weapons and not fair at all.
I'd maybe give her space for a while but let her know you are there maybe a bunch of flowers or get her something she likes, unfortunately you're on the back foot her after smoking the weed lying to her then threatening her.
Obviously you shouldn't be smoking weed and if you end up in court they see it as just as bad as heroin and extremely harmful to the kids, they will almost certainly make you take drug tests ect and your wife can make your life very very difficult so I'd try and get this sorted out between yourselves.
In the real word weed isn't a hard drug by any means but it is hard to come off it trust me I had to give up a 20 year habit when my ex brought the weed addiction up in court If you PM me I can give you plenty of advice on how to give up if you do want to jack it in.
Like I said give the ex a little space for a while maybe have a look into jacking the weed, maybe see a drug specialist or have a word with your GP, also have you thought about relate or mediation see if you and the wife can sort things out through them?
All the best
Slim 🙂
I don't think I can add too much to the advice Slim has given, as it's excellent advice, and I'd take him up on his offer about giving up the drugs.
It might be worth seeing if your ex wants to see your two kids without expecting anything in return at this stage - partly because it's important that your 2 children see your youngest son as they need to maintain a bond as a family, and also they may persuade your ex to allow your son to go with you on outings etc with all 3 children, your ex may listen to them where she won't listen to you.
You could try mediation to try and sort out contact with your youngest.
www.nfm.org.uk
Slims given good advice, if she can see that you are actively seeking help and are genuinely sorry for what you said in the heat of the moment she might reconsider.
Here's a link to Relate
www.relate.org.uk
You could try writing her a letter and telling her how you feel, how important it is for the children to maintain their bond and how sorry you are.
Best of luck