Hi all, I hoping someone can point us in the right direction as we are both new to all this, first a bit of background:
My fiance and myself first met about 18 months ago but we stayed just friends as I was in a relationship, I broke up with my kids dad and accepted an invite on a date with my now fiance, our relationship has moved very quickly, I'm stating this as it's relevant to the situation. We moved in together after only 3 months and are due to be married next year, I have 3 children from my previous relationship which my other half has been amazing with. My kids dad has been very accepting of this so on that side things are going well, however he has 2 children from his previous relationship.
I don't even know where to begin with his ex, they have been split up for 2 1/2 years as she cheated on him, lied about a miscarriage (actually had an abortion) and has said the most vicious things to him.
Once he told her he had met someone (me) she has been nothing but difficult to say the least, constant threats insults general harassment to both of us, she did say to him that she would make his life as difficult as possible, and she's following through with that.
Once we moved in together and booked our wedding we thought it would be time for me to meet his children (after being together 5 months) she has point blank refused this and he has continued to have them overnight at his sisters, which does add an extra hour and a half traveling time, this isn't a problem early in the day but as he works 6 days a week he usually picks them up around 7pm when he finishes work and has them over night there and all day the following day when he's off. Every time he approaches the subject of them meeting me or coming to the home we now share, she kicks up a storm, tells him he is never seeing the kids again, even gets his 4 yr old daughter on the phone telling her to " say goodbye to daddy you're never going to see him again" which is heartbreaking to watch him him hearing that so God only knows how it makes him feel.
It got to a point where he did a little research and found that while in his care she can't stop him bringing them home, so he did. Again the rows that followed were horrendous. And again resulted in her stoppibg him seeing the kids until she next wanted her night out . Again he brought them home for a few hours (not stayed overnight as yet, as I want them to feel comfortable here and around me first) and again all name calling and threats kicked off.
Skip to 3 weeks ago, she wanted to go on holiday on her own so called on my fiance to have the children for the full weekend and she dictated that no matter what they wasn't to go the "that boots house" he again tried telling her that it was his home and she them called his sister and tried to make the same demands of her, he did stay at his sisters for the 4 nights but again brought them here for one of the days, and when they was leaving both the kids aged 3 and 4 were crying begging to stay at our home they don't understand why they can't stay at daddy's house, and we can't answer we don't want to put blame on their mum to them.
Since then he had had no contact with his kids, she has blocked him on making all or any calls to arrange to see them she has blasted all over social media that he is a "deadbeat dad" when it is her that has stopped all contact.
So any ideas where we can go next? We have looked into the mediation and court options but we just don't have the funds available right now with the wedding coming up, we can't postpone the wedding as the amounts we have paid so far would be too much of a loss. All he wants is to be able to have his kids at his home with no arguments and no bitterness. She has told him that she is doing this because she wants him back that it should be her he is marrying, and if we do get married she is going to get the marrige dissolved, although I have no idea how. She's told him she wants him to be thinking and wondering what she's got planned on our wedding day.
She seems [censored] bent on having him at her beck and call and expects him to dance to her tune every time. The only time she allowed him to see the kids was when it was convenient for her he's had to change hours at work for her take unpaid holidays and he has done it because he wants to see his kids. But now he's had enough and because she hasn't got him where she wants him she's causing so many problems.
So yeah sorry for ranting on but want to get the best advice possible buy including as much detail as possible, we just don't know where to turn and what route is best to take. Thanks for any replies
Hi There,
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Although this doesn't help much, you are not on your own with these issues and they are quite common.
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You have already looked into mediation which is where your partner would have to start the proccess, the courts now won't look at a case until mediation has been attempted, By the sounds of things his ex either wouldn't agree to anything in mediation or wouldn't attend. If she won't attend then the mediator can sign the court application form and your partner can apply to court for help. This also applies if she does attend but they can't work anything out.
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When and if he applies to court ensure that on the forms where it asks what he is wanting to achieve, he asks for an interim order to be made at the first hearing so that contact can start as soon as possible. He can represent himself through court so the only cost would be the application fee.
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Self representing sounds daunting but it isn't as bad as you would think and many of us on here have done it.
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There are some useful topics at the top of the legal section on this forum which should help give you both an idea of what to expect.
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Any questions you have just ask.
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GTTS
Hi
I would echo GTTS advice. You need to attempt mediation
and then make a court application.
The fee for court is £215 and it is not difficult to self rep. Where possible advise your partner to keep communication with his ex via email and text so that you have a record of their conversations in case you need to rely on these as evidence.
Good luck and let us know if we can offer further assistance.
Hi guys thanks for the advice, looks like again we will no longer be needing it as once again she has now relented and is letting him she the kids this weekend, and once again he has relented in having them at his sisters.
I know that it's a really good thing that he has access to his kids even if it is only on her terms and I can't fault the fact that he wants and needs to be in their lives but this is putting so much of a strain on our relationship and it's now beginning to affect my children constantly asking when they will see his kids again, I really don't know what more I can say or do to help him see that he needs to bring them to the home we share, letting them build relationships with my children and myself then taking that away time and time again isn't good for anyone, especially all the children involved.
I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and have nowhere to turn, iv grown a bond with his children now and really feel for them that they are going through this.
He says he is still going to go the mediation and court route but since she has said that he can see them he's made no follow ups or sought advice from anywhere it seems to be me doing all the searching, does this make me seem selfish? After all he is getting to see the kids even if it is away from home?
I'm at a loss
Thanks guys
Hi There,
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I don't think it's selfish of you, and in the long run you are thinking of him and the children (as well as yourself)
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The trouble is sometimes us blokes just want an easy life, so in order to get it we give in to what is being asked, he wants to see his kids his ex gives her demands so he follows, but what will happen is her demands will become worse and worse and he will almost certainly snap at some point down the line.
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Have you tried to get him on here to read some of the stories of our members?
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My ex was very demanding and would give certain things she wanted before I could take my child so I know what it's like he would be better off in the long run challenging this now......but you already know that Lol
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If he is interested in talking to someone who's been trough this for some advice one to one, send me a private message and I will give you my email address.
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GTTS