Firstly, hello and not sure if I'm actually welcome to post here as strictly speaking i'm not a Dad. I am of course a Son wanting to try and understand my Dad better. So I figured that this is the perfect place to start.
I am close to my old man, and I am now 28 years old and things seem to be still ok but I get the feeling sometimes that my dad isnt that bothered about me any more. As a teenager, he was always telling me he loved me and that has stopped now. He will tell me it every now and then but when your used to hearing it regular you are bound to wonder a bit when it stops.
I have always made it my mission to be the perfect son. I know for sure there are some fathers out there who would give a limb to have a son like me (that has been said to me often enough). I take him out for a meal once a week then to pub - all on me, I wont let him spend penny (not that he has much anyway), I top up his mobile phone every month, give him money when he's short, buy him a few bottles of larger often, at father's day, birthdays and christmas he is spoiled with "Best Dad Ever" cards and I tell him all the time how much he is my hero and that I think he's the best Dad ever. I always imagined that to a man, that could quite possibly be the greatest thing to hear - your own son telling you that you are the greatest. But perhaps because he doesnt have much money and doesnt really do much for me in in the material sense - this makes him feel a failure and makes he withdraw a bit?
There's many little things that make me feel a bit hurt. Just last week I sent him a lovely text for new year just to get a simple one back with no love or feeling there really. I do feel he really takes me for granted.
I just ask you Dad's how would you feel in his position. He is quite a hip guy, never your typical stay at home Dad. He lived life on the wild side, drink and drugs, partied 24/7, just very young at heart and though he's just turn 50 he still looks 30! I was never a typical son, didn't do the moody teenager routine, I was always quite ahead of time - working from an early age and taking care of the house. I am now a self employed graphics designer and artist manager working with celebrities, something which filled him with much pride to start with, but now when we meet he never once asks me how my work is going, what ive been doing... when i tell him stuff he doesnt seem that much interested. I feel as though he's happy to take my money and have me splash out on him for a couple of hours and then I feel as though i'm just forgotten when i turn my back. We don't live together by the way, and I am his only child.
Any advice would be great so I can just try and get a feeling on what is going on his in mind. Does he just assume that I am doing great and don't need any support? Does he think work is fantastic for me all the time he doesnt need to ask?... Again, eveything is just taken for granted.
Just like to ad also, I feel as though the roles are certainly reversed here. I am acting like the doting father. I am just craving him to support me a bit for once and... well just be a Dad.
Hi and welcome - and let me stress that you are most welcome on here despite not being a dad.
I'm not sure how to react to your post - in a way, your dad's relationship towards you reminds me a bit of mine towards my son (now 25). We don't speak all the time simply because we don't have huge amounts to say, but I do love him (and he knows it) and the feeling is mutual. He visits on average once a month (he maintains doing some voluntary work locally so combines it with that) and I will very occasionally go to visit him, which I know he appreciates. I think it's natural that parents and children drift apart to some extent when they leave home - both are finding an independence that hasn't been there for 20 years or so. so the relationship is bound to change from when you were living at home. I'm not trying to say what you are doing is wrong, because it's what feels right to you - I'm merely putting forward one possible explanation for your Dad's outward display of emotions. I would be willing to bet, though, that he is bursting with pride for how you have turned out, and the relationship you two have.
Thank you for your reply actd! That is a very warming message, which I have took some comfort in. I am a bit over sensitive I admit. My girlfriend and I have spoke about my Dad at extreme length and we both agree I am too sensitive concerning him. I cant be a father myself, as my girlfriend had ovarian cancer. We both never really wanted to be parents anyway, I think for me I always wanted to be his son which has prevented me from wanting to be a dad. I do countless chores for my grandparents and they seem to favour their other grandchildren over me - you know what I mean... the best china comes out for them haha, but again i think it's because im at there house all the time, doing jobs for them - that they feel they don't need to impress me? Anyway, the point of that is I dont really care when they favour others over me, but if my Dad favours one of his mates over me I feel heart broken. I believe I have been stood up a couple of times in favour of a boozy session with the lads, which I am really pleased he has, but when I have booked a table somewhere and he doesnt turn up is very unfair - it was one night out of the month.
I think im in need of constant reassurance from him. He gives me it when i crack, but then I feel as though it was just words and no actions. I would love for him to take me out for once, even if its just Burger King... Mcdonalds. Why cant he save up a bit each week to take me out once every now and then? I feel as though we only meet when I have money (which we do), if i am a bit broke one week then i don't get to see my dad.
I know i need to say all this to him one day, but when i get with him it's hard to voice the words and quite often the feelings go away as I am enjoying myself. So hence why I thought I would see what you Dad's feel 🙂
Thanks for the reply again, that is one possible layer to his feelings,
I also think thats a slight issue on my part. You say you and your son know you love eachother... I don't often believe he does. I know he does but unlike with my grandparents I know they do, but with my Dad I am left unsure sometimes.
I am a mum to 2 young men (22 and 20) and I love themn dearly with all my heart but I don't tell them daily that I love them. I think once they get to their teenage years, it just became uncool in their eyes for you to hug and kiss them and tell them that you loved them but they knew we did. Now they are the age that they are, I may get a hug on occasions like christmas, birthday etc but it is not as often as I would like.
They do know that I love them though and I am sure that your dad feels the same way.
Thank you! I am due to see him Tuesday for lunch. I adore treating him and wouldn't have it any other way to be honest. I am eternally thankful to him, as he is my Dad and made me, so I do enjoy taking him out and buying him things. I suppose when someone constantly treats you - you do take a bit of granted and appear to show less appreciation, I guess I would feel the same if someone bought me stuff every week, though i would be over the moon and grateful I think I would show it less as time went on which I think is totally naturally. (haha here I go again answering my own questions! I know the answers but sometimes just want to hear other's opinions). I shall of course update you in due course.