hello there.
i just thought i need to rant to strangers and sort of need help and advise on this subject.
im sorry if this message is badly written, it is 11 at night and iv had a long day at the hospital, please bear with me.
i am also sorry if i have posted this in the wrong place. i looked through all the options and this seemed to be the best one.
i am lucky enough to have become a dad to a beautiful little girl as of the 14th of this month, valentines day. everything has been going ok, currently my wife and daughter are both still at the hospital because there was a few minor problems with both of them after the birth, and both are on antibiotics, but both are recovering just fine.
so far so good, but now to the problem
i am unfortunate enough to live with my mother in law and sister in law, both smokers, not very heavy smokers, but smokers none the less.
the sister in law smokes pot quite often as well as normal cigarettes, neither are the sharpest knife in the draw to be honest.
regrettably, i have only just started reading a book on babycare and childcare since we have been in the hospital, so i suppose i'm a stupid [censored] too.
well, iv been reading a lot about how basically if you have smokers in the house, second or third hand smoke WILL get to the child, the toxins and carbon monoxide in their clothes, hands and hair WILL get to my baby, and WILL likely do damage. or maybe even cause cot death
the thought of it fills me with a horror thats difficult to put into words, especially as it seems like a train wreck that i need to prevent but i dont know how to do it other than to do something drastic.
but talking to the wife about this has been extremely difficult, she says i am overreacting, being unflexible, undiplomatic, she cant stand criticism of her family she gets super stressed when i bring all this up and usually ends up in tears. clearly the family dont want to go far out of their way to change any habits (theyre selfish)
i was so livid when i found out the sister in law 23 years of age had smoked a joint in the house even though it had been expressly forbidden. with baby returning home just a few days away. i had a real go at her, i wanted to tear her limb from limb.
so i am in a real dilemma, me and the wife are both tired already, it was a very difficult labor, the wife doesnt want to talk about it really, and the in laws are too moronic to change habits. if it was just me here i would kick them both out forever, but i have to be tolerant of them because of my wife and i cant get angry about this situation because it stresses my wife. even though they are living in me and my wifes house under our roof, they have this power over me because of my wife and it pisses me the [censored] off.
anyway, im going to set a few ground rules with them,
1, no smoking in the house ever, they break this rule they die.
2, they smoke out the front with the front door closed, (my baby will be around the back of the house on the second floor most of the time)
3, they cant pick up my baby unless they have at the very least washed their hands thoroughly (im thinking it should be more extreme, they should have to shower and change their clothes too, its what i have read)
all of this though leads to another conflict that will likely arise. they especially the sister in law are incredibly self centred and likely will break these rules, they have proven themselves to be quite untrustworthy in the past with breaking promises. the mother in law will want to hold and spend lots of time with her grandaughter and i will not want her to at all. the mother in law will likely get involved with the washing of her clothes, and i wont want her to.
they all think im a paranoid nut, they look at me like im crazy and insufferable for not wanting to take any chances whatsoever with my daughter.
but heres the thing. i will have to go back to work soon, i wont be able to guard my daughter all the time, and very likely because i have a family of idiots living with me, they will break these rules and get their filthy hands on my daughter, her clothes and food.
so anyway, really i want to know from you guys wherever you are what do you think of this situation? am i being paranoid and neurotic? i mean from what i have read i am not.
what would you guys do about this? i have some anger management problems among other things so the part of me that is saying i should slap the [censored] out of the spoiled brat sister in law and kick them both out of the house permanently, i cant tell if that part of me is unreasonable.
i also dont really have any friends i can really talk to, so again i cant tell if im being unreasonable or not, i have nobody to turn to, the wife is too stressed to go through a confrontation with her family, along the lines of forcing them to stop smoking, (which is what i would really want)
i just know that this situation is making everyone miserable, when this should be a wonderful time for us. and i know that i will be at work worrying about if i am going to get a call telling me my little beautiful baby has passed away.
thats another part that really pisses me off is that what should be the most amazing time for all of us has been soured with fear, arguing, uncertainty and loathing.
i should also say that initially when the mother in law was going to live with us permanently i was actually happy about it. as we were planning on having a child and she has raised 3 kids of her own i thought it a great idea to have an extra and experienced pair of hands around the house. she is also a great cook which is a bonus.
anyway thanks for reading and please leave a comment.
regards.
Dean.
Personally I don't think you should be believing everything you read. I've lived in a family of heavy smokers for years - and yes, one of my family members recently died of lung cancer - he was 80 years old and smoked 40-60 cigarrettes a day for 60 years.
Compare that with someone who has been smoking and hasn't washed their hands. What residue remains on their hands is going to be negligible, isn't going to get into the babies lungs and I assume your in-laws aren't going to be living with you forever. I don't think I've ever heard of any cases of people getting cancer from passive smoking. I definitely don't agree with smoking pot around your baby though.
The tone of your message comes over as violent. You have a new baby and I think you should think about the babies future and the way you react around them - there are lots of dads on this forum who haven't seen their kids or have had minimal contact with them for a long time, sometimes for years. A lot of these guys have been accused of domestic violence.
Treat your wife and your baby with as much love and support as you possibly can, not just over the smoking but always. Hopefully the threatening and violent language you express on this forum isn't something you do around your wife and hopefully never around your child. I would hate for you to be in the same situation that some of the members of this site are in.
I understand you're frustrated and angry. Having a new born baby is a gift, something to be treasured for the rest of your lives. You will have so much fun with your baby and share so much love together. The consequences of expressing your views so angrily towards them could be worse than the consequences of the problem you're trying to fix. If your wife is in tears whenever you're bringing this up maybe your approaching it in the wrong way - there are many ways to deal with problems.
I think its ok to moderate the measures you want to put in place. My partner smokes, but not in he house, he has to go outside, as we have the grandkids a lot. The reason is that passive smoking has been proven to be a danger. I believe the law was changed recently to stop smoking in the car when there are children inside.
Hand washing before handling a new baby, or preparing their food is also common sense. I have an antibacterial soap dispenser by the kitchen sink and washing my hands before touching any food is second nature, it's a good habit to get into!
Apart from what Ive mentioned, I don't think you need to insist on anything else, but you do need to sit them both down and explain the new rules and that they are non negotiable. I'm sure your wife will want to protect your baby and if you explain to her the reasons why second hand smoke is bad for your baby, and for any other non smokers in the house, she should agree to enforce the new rules when you're not home.
Despite the tone of your message, I'm in full agreement with the content with regards smoking.
I'm a midwife, and would give advice to the wider family as part of my role. You can ask the midwife both in hospital and at home to discuss this with your wife and her family.
Smoking is extremely harmful to children, and even more so in babies. It increases their risk of death from SIDs alone.
Common sense dictates that you don't smoke inside these days... weed or cigarettes.
A quick question Detective... if there was suspected weed smoking at the home of a new baby, which the non resident father knew about and was concerned, what steps would you advise him to take? Do you have any powers to alert other agencies and where it's a situation that it's one persons word against the other, what is the usual outcome?
Social Services seem not to want to get involved and often they will take the mothers word for things and refuse to take further action. It has been a source of frustration and concern for many users in the past.
If it was me going in to the sitation professionally, I would have a duty to report concerns to social services. They would have to make enquiries, but beyond this, it's solely down to them.
Unfortunately we are all tied by social services response. All we can do is keep reporting our concerns.
On a non professional level, as the dad with such a young baby, I'd be removing the child, I'm assuming it's bottlefed as most parents smoking weed won't bother to put the effort in to breastfeed, therefore no requirement to keep mum and baby together. I'd let the mum take it to court. And the court's decide. Dad is acting in the best interests of the baby. But that's only my personal opinion. Not a professional one.
I understand, I wish it were that simple, it should be where a child is at risk, but sadly it all falls down, due to the poor response of many local authority SS departments, and then all that's achieved is further strain between the parents. Thanks.
Agree with all of the above. See if you can get the midwifery staff at the hospital to have a chat with you both before you take baby home. Congratulations by the way.
thanks very much everyone for your responses, i will have a thorough read through them all later. i am sorry for the negative tone of the message, i made it after a long tiring day with lots of arguing.
i also am sorry if i came across as a bit of a woman beater. in fact i have never hit a woman in my life and never will i hope. its just that the sister in law has really been pushing it lately, im at the end of my tether.
cheers.