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Loyalty Conflict - ...
 
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[Solved] Loyalty Conflict - school events

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Posts: 244
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(@semifinalist87)
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Joined: 10 years ago

Hi,

I've been reading a book about loyalty conflict, which my daughter is unfortunately burdened with by her mum (just to be clear, I would never dream of putting such pressure on my child).

There was a particular situation this morning at my daughter's sports day at which both myself and her mum were present, as well as her mum's mum (Granny), and I can't seem to find anything in the book that addresses this.

This kind of thing happens a lot, but basically my daughter barely acknowledged me this morning. I was trying to wave, cheer her on, make eye contact, and nothing. When she did look towards me, it was a very momentary glance, a grumpy expression on her face and almost like she was look straight past me.

At one point between races, I noticed her mum was cuddling her and my daughter was crying. This kind of thing happens at every school event. The thing is, she wasn't crying before her mum went over to her. I'm guessing mum could see my daughter was unhappy and went over and then the tears started. I was stood just metre or so away at this point, and although I didn't want to make a fuss, and felt like it might add fuel to the fire if I said hello to my daughter at that moment, I also felt that my daughter might wonder why I had seen her crying and not done anything. So, leaned down to her and asked if she was ok, but she wouldn't talk to me and wouldn't look at me, she just nodded her head. I rubbed her back, as I often do when she's down, and said 'ok' with a smile and left her to her next race.

A few moments later and the children were having a break for refreshments. I was kind of just hovering around as I know it doesn't help if I approach her when she's with her mum on anyone from her mum's family - I can tell she feels uncomfortable. So I was stood there just hoping my daughter might change her tune and run over and say hello. I got nothing, she had glanced over so she knew where I was standing, and she knew I was looking over as if to say 'hello' but I was completely blanked. All the while mum and granny were evidently lapping up the situation and enjoying my rejection. Of course they were - that's the main cause for this loyalty conflict, to try and get me out the picture and have my daughter believe I'm not important.

After another race outside, we were then ushered inside to the sports hall for a final race. My daughter went straight to her mum and I was given the cold shoulder again and had to make the walk alone. When we got inside the groups of children took turns to do their final races. When it was my daughters turn, I was right in front of her as she crossed the finishing line. She sat back down, and then looked around, saw me and shouted 'Daddy, I won!' (she didn't but I was about to disagree). I was so happy that I had been acknowledged, and then I realised she was looking for her mum to tell her, and as she couldn't see her straightaway - in her excitement she just wanted to tell someone - I was the first person she could see to tell.

Parents were then ushered out of the sports hall. Her mum had already gone, going over and giving her a hug when parents weren't meant to go over to the children as not to distract them and cause chaos - she did the same thing last year - she makes up her own rules. So, as parents were leaving they were waving to their children. Granny waved to my daughter and she excitedly waved back. I then tried to get her attention but she wouldn't look at me. She knew I was about, but wasn't interested. Eventually, her eyes accidentally locked with mine so I gave her a wave, to which she just made a grumpy face and then bowed her head.

So this was my morning, and I am about to go back and pick my daughter up from school to take her to her swimming lesson, as I do every week. When she is with me, I don't get this treatment at all. She has a great time and is full of smiles and laughter.

I'm wondering what to do about this situation though. As I've said, it's happened before, and I'm pretty sure this won't be the last time. I'm aware that she may have wanted to be her usual self around me but felt under pressure from her mum and granny and felt she couldn't acknowledge me, should mum scold her for it, for example. But I'm also aware that as her dad I'm just as important as her mum, and feel that my daughter should know this - and should she have done it out of disrespect for me, that I won't tolerate that, and feel that I should teach her that it's polite to treat both parents equally. But I just don't know which way around it was this morning, and if it is the first scenario, I don't want to make my daughter feel worse than she already does by saying how I was upset that she treated me that way.

Has anyone else dealt with this kind of thing? What's the best way to approach it? Do I just not say anything at all? I really worry she will grow up thinking it's acceptable to disregard your dad like that, which would kill me. I almost left today, it got that bad. I'm glad I didn't, but I'm not going to lie, I'm not looking forward to the next school event right now.

9 Replies
Posts: 5348
(@dadmod2)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 6 years ago

hi,

this is a very difficult situation. I can only assume that if your ex is the full-time carer and your child spends most of her time with her, then naturally your child will be more inclined with her mum. When I first picked up my child from school, for mid-week visit/swimming, she was crying and asking for her mum. she was like that for most of the way, and only started laughing after I made some silly jokes. She was also being a cry baby on the first overnight stay with me, almost refused to get into the car and i practically had to drag her to the car. she no longer does that. Hopefully she will have adjusted for the 2nd school pick up. I am hoping to make a 50/50 shared care application to court in few years time, to address this imbalance of time spent between parents.

If I were you, I would just wait for a weekend when you spend proper time with your child, and there is no influence or distraction from your ex.

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Posts: 8551
 Mojo
Registered
(@Mojo)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 11 years ago

I think, if you can accept that events where you both attend are going to be uncomfortable, then it’s just a matter of getting through it, you’re daughter might not show it, but I’d bet that she would miss you if you weren’t there.

Just enjoy the time you spend together, all the best.

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(@motherofafather)
Honorable Member
Joined: 10 years ago

Hello semifinalist87,

What you have written regarding the actions and manner of the Mother, Granny and your Daughter is exactly the same scenario my Son has experienced. The Mother and Granny of his Daughter appear to be placing his child in such a position that she is in an emotional turmoil as to know how to react in such a situation. I believe the pressure on the child from the maternal side is so great the child does not know how to behave other than to keep the peace as they see it through childs' eyes. Obviously in yours and my Son's situation both children are not free to be themselves at such times when both parents attend the same event. For some reason the child does not react to the other parent as they should and more importantly, how they would want to. It begs the question what has been said to them for them to rebuff their Fathers as they do on such occasions when normally, away from the maternal family they each have a wonderful bond with you and my Son.

I know it is a very painful situation to be in as a father, I see it with my Son. The time he has with his child, alone, away from the Mother, the bond they have is extremely strong, he constantly builds on this. They have a wonderful relationship but when Mother and Granny appear the atmosphere changes, not to the good. My Son has decided that he will not attend certain school events when the Mother and Granny are present for the sake of his Daughter. It hurts him as a father to not go but it saves his Daughter the heartache of being in emotional turmoil through no fault of her own. My Son does not ask his daughter questions as to why her manner changes, we know why, it's the maternal family causing the problem and neither does he bring to her attention how it makes him feel that would only serve to make the burden on his Daughter greater. We believe as a family in continuity, building strong, loving, secure relationships that eventually will give the child, confidence, freedom to openly express themselves and the knowledge to know what is right and wrong.

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Posts: 244
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Topic starter
(@semifinalist87)
Reputable Member
Joined: 10 years ago

Thanks for all the replies and advice.

MotherofaFather - Sorry to hear your son is in the same position. It's uncanny, what with Granny being involved in his situation too. My daughter's granny has gone as far as to move into a flat across the road from her school, directly overlooking her classroom and playground. She used to stand there, with mum, watching me wait to go in the school gates, pick up my daughter, and then try to leave with a young child who's crying her eyes out because in her mind 'Mummy and Granny are right there, why do we have to go somewhere else?'. They've both been asked to stop this by my solicitor now, Hopefully it lasts.

Sorry that your son is in a position where he feels he can't attend school events. I feel the same, although right now I'm not sure that would be the best move for my daughter or me, personally. I am hoping I can find another way which makes my daughter feel more comfortable, although I'm still working out what that is. For a long time now, I have kept my distance from both my daughter, mum and Granny, at school events, etc, and if my daughter wants to wave to me, or come over and see me, I let her do it on her own accord. At some events, where it's possible, at the end, I will go over to her and quickly say goodbye or 'well done!', and then leave promptly, so that she knows I wanted to see her, but doesn't feel too under pressure with me lingering. Sometimes, these things happen during my contact time, when I am due to take my daughter back to mine, at which point it's kind of odd, as I have to revert back to keeping my distance until mum and granny have gone, in order to not upset my daughter.

I didn't say anything to my daughter whilst she was with me the last few days in the end, and having slept on it, I'm now wondering if I can involve my daughter in deciding what would be best for her in these situations, without making her feel uncomfortable or guilty by asking her why she acts the way she does - like you said, we know why our children act this way and asking her would only make it worse - and without bringing mummy and granny into it - she'll work them out in her own time, I hope. For instance, I don't want to say 'Mummy and granny make you feel rubbish and like you have to choose between us' as I'm aware, as much I don't like it, that she loves them. So, how I do this, I'm not sure yet. It may be that I just have to make a decision and say 'this is what Daddy is going to do at school things, I'm doing it because I love you, will that be okay?'.

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