My wife is from a Kenyan single parent family of which she is an only child. She is very close to her mum and even after being in America studying she is still very close. At first all was well, when we were dating I would pop around a couple of times a week, occasionally I would see and spend time with her mum (if she was there by coincidence) and my relationship with my then girlfriend was progressing well. We moved into our own flat, leaving her mum in the original flat and all was well. Soon after we moved her mum started working in another part of the country and decided to live with a family member in the week and travel back down to her flat at weekends. After several months her mum stopped working out of town and decided to look for work close to us, my wife offered for her to stay with us until she gets back on her feet and to move out of the original flat. I reluctantly agreed to this, however this was on the basis that it is temporary.
Fast forward 18 months and her mum was still living in our house working 10 minutes away. This caused a lot of issues between my wife and I as I felt like it wasn't what we agreed and it made newly wed life very difficult. However there was light at the end of the tunnel as her mum had met someone and was engaged to get married. The guy had his own house and was very independent.
So fairly recently they got married, and are in temporary accommodation whilst their council house is being renovated, my wife's mum started to do live-in care work fairly close to where her new husband is living and miles away from ourselves. Things have improved between my wife and I and all was great. My wife is now pregnant and we are looking forward to having a little girl.
Here are the problems - her mum insists on coming to stay with us, even though she has a new husband/house and should be focussing on her own life. For example when she had some time off she spent 2 days with her husband and then 4 living at our house?! Over Christmas she arrived on the Wednesday he didn't arrive until Christmas Day, he went back on the Saturday and she is STILL staying at mine. She says it is because my wife needs help 'sorting out the garage'. When I suggested that I would do it, it was brushed aside. I just want our own space back, every time I mention this to my wife it ends up into an argument about how I think I am better than her mum and how I don't like her. Whereas I do like her, but I don't want to live with her.
Problem 2 - The baby is due soon and I feel she wants to be too involved. She is already planning to stay for a while when the baby is first born as its part of Kenyan culture and ensures that the mother is supported. However I am concerned that it is going over the top. I am already crapping myself about having a baby without her flapping around offering her usual unsolicited advice. Plus we are moving into a new house which is a lot smaller than the current flat so I don't even know where she is going to sleep!
Problem 3 - I am concerned about when my wife eventually goes back to work as her mum has already suggested looking after the baby through the week. I am really not comfortable with the level of contact/involvement she is having currently, let alone when the baby is here. I just feel really uneasy as I do not want us to be absent parents. I keep imagining the baby calling the mother in law 'Mum@.
So basically the short version is that I am concerned at the level of involvement of her mum in our lives and our future childs life. I do not know if I am just being dramatic or whether my concerns are selfish or things that I shouldn't even be concerned about. All I do know is that whenever I speak with my wife about any of the above it ends in an huge row.
What do you guys think? Sorry for the wall of text. Just need some advice 🙂
This is an age old problem Im afraid....you're only hope of changing the situation is to get your wife to agree. You could try some sweetening up , take your wife out for a nice meal and try and appeal to her that way....talk about how important she is to you and the baby and how important it is for you to bond with the child with her and without anyone else interfering, at least in the first few months.
Don't whatever you do bad mouth mother to your wife, show your appreciation and you could even try talking to your mother in law about it.....sorry I can't be of much help, you've just got to keep chipping away at it.
Good luck