[Solved] New start move
Hello all was wondering if anyone can advice me or suggestions
Basically if anyone's read my old forums I've had a shit storm of a life since I've had kids
Had 9 years of hell with a ex who's ruined our lives also when our newborn was born we got accused of hurting her which we proved it was the NHS big case took 9 months of hell won her back that was in 2015.
Basically were in the same house same town same everything been there since 2015 but I've never been happy. Always yo-yo want to move then I don't then we do the past just clings to the walls we got arrested in that house due to the NHS issue lost her then got her back then got my eldest back in the house then that's stopped as much so it's a massive shitstorm. We have also had another baby and had same health visitors and they all no about the past so it's all shit.
Basically we've been possibly offered a house swap from ours to 60 miles Away new area new start the lot.
But we're both guilt riddden as our daughter goes school she's 5 and it's been shit because of covid and in general the school isn't good new teachers all over the place but she's familiar with it all.
We feel guilt ridden about the idea of her feeling lost and confused new area and scared and to be honest were lost to. Our area and home have bad memories but it's all familiar
I'll add neither of us have any family atall. My family I haven't seen or heard of on about 7 years and they have dinner with my ex partner frequently and her family don't care either. They also live 9 miles down the road.
Issue is we do not no what to do. We yoyo constantly on what's best .
Also my jobs isn't a issue I've lost 1 due to covid and can get a new one
I just don't no what to do we've never had anyone help us or guide us so this is really hard.
if my ex was to move the kids 60 miles away from me, would be a nightmare. won't be possible for me to spend much time with kids. schools runs would be hell.
it depends in your situation. how do you feel about traveling 60 miles to pick up/drop your child from your ex?
Hello I meant we're moving away possibly not her.
I see my daughter every other weekend just for the Sunday and take her out so it would be me traveling down to see her ect
what I said proberly didnt make much sence basically.
we have loads of history in our current house town from the care situation and my ex
possibly been offered a move 60 miles away from my ex and eldest.
I'd still travel down every other weekend to take her out ect same as now.
but would be new start new area taking our 5yo out of school ect.
how do I shake the guilt of it all mentally being in the same location house everything as the past pushes us daily and were so mentally sad.
Just a suggestion, to help you and your partner make what is a very important choice - that only you can make - is to sit down and make a list of pros and cons about moving away to a new area. This may help you see more clearly the direction you need to go in.
You mention about your 5 year old - children are a lot more adaptable than we give them credit for, especially at a younger age. Your daughter will be able to make new friends, as will you both, you will be working in a new area without anyone having to know your recent history.
If this an opportunity for you and your partner to begin again as a family unit - then you need to take the time to talk openly about the issues surrounding it. For e.g. - are you prepared to be 60 miles away from your older child? How would your older child feel about you moving further away?
I can't provide the answers as I've not been in your situation, but I wish you all well and hope that you can reach a positive outcome.
Fegans Parent Support Volunteer
I really appreciate your response. We have sat down and gone thro pros and cons and we both agreed the house and area feel as if it haunts you with memories we've been thro so much loosing our daughter and getting her back and it honestly makes me so depressed and sad. I came off anti depressants when we got her back as it all got used against me and since we both can't fully move on and it's been over 5 years. But at the same time we also have memories here I'm not sure if there good memories or just it's familiar but it's so hard to decide
The lady viewed our home today again as we're doing sort of a home swap and it feels like you get defensive as it's your home.
I personally feel like every room has a bad memorie or part of my life and I just don't know if we would ever move on from it all.
I proberly wouldn't tell my eldest solely because the mum ruins our lives constantly I see her every other weekend and just take her out noone mixes soly because my ex is nasty she tried to make us loose our daughter to care when we went thro the ordeal and constantly rings social so I'd proberly not say anything we both just feel so conflicted with it all we have noone here a few friends but no family atall
i think you should do what you feel comfortable with. just make sure you will be able to hack the 120 mile round journey in one day to see your child.
I think it's worth the move, if for no other reason than if you don't move, you will always wonder if you should have done it, and that's pretty destructive. You obviously aren't happy where you are and everything that goes wrong will just add to it. A new start gives you a whole psychological clean sheet. 120 mile round trip isn't bad at all (I did 400 mile round trip every alternate Sunday to see my children for 2 years a long time ago, and it's because it's for a good reason, the trip is pretty easy).
Thanks for the reply. We spoke last night and we yoyo alot the memories here are horrible and it's hard to forget stuff. We also have good memories but the stuff that's happend with care kids just sticks to you.
We speak about changing stuff in the house being positive but can you really change the house that much or try to force yourself to be positive enough to forget what's happened that's what I'm trying to figure out can I move on from here.
My partner says a new area will restart all of our mind because unless our life repeated itself it's a new life new start the round trip I'm not bothered by its not that far and tbh she doesn't come to the house so it's not really much different except a different area.
Do you still see the children you travelled to see ? Thankyou for the reply.
My situation with the children was slightly different in that after 2 years, I got custody of them so they came an lived with me, but at the time, my children were aged about 4, 11 & 14 and it was fantastic seeing them (the hard part was always leaving). Assuming you drive, 60 miles isn't really much distance if the traffic is good, though it's obviously extra expense.
oh that's good news congratulations
this is mainly the mental side of all of this.
yhe past feels like it honestly haunts me but its the unknown of moving if it's the right decision will we regret it. my partner says for the first few years we will untill were use to it but honestly it mentally destroys me daily I'm never settled and even driving silly places to the gym I drive past the contact centre we saw our daughter in and its horrible our town we have contact in the park and we go to the park now its mentally shit
Hello, Glad some of my points were useful. Sometimes we have to take a leap of faith in order to move onto something better for ourselves and our family. How old is your eldest ? Would they prefer to know where you were moving too, simply because it keeps them included and informed of your decisions. As I said before in a different home you can make new memories and different friends, taking one day at a time. Hope things work out. Fegans PSV