I left home 2 years ago and after spending a year and a bit at my parents, I managed to sort out a job and a room in a town 15-20 miles from where my wife and kids still live. I havent got a car so have to rely on public transport, but generally get to see the boys every weekend, normally heading back to my digs overnight.
While not ideal, this has sort of worked OK, and the children have generally been OK with it, if a little down for a few hours after I leave on a Sunday. The older boy has been a star throughout and has done very well at school, winning prizes, good reports etc and enjoying his hobbies as well.
However, things have all gone pear-shaped over Christmas. I went over on Christmas Eve and stayed on the sofa overnight so that I would be there when they opened their presents. Christmas Day went well, and I even persuaded my wife to lend me the car to drive back to my digs overnight and back in the morning. I was also there for boxing day, Saturday and sunday too all of which seemed to go fairly well/peacefully.
But, my wife texted me the next day to say that he had been in tears all night missing me and had burst into tears at workshop he normally loves going to. I then went back to babysit the boys on New years Eve while she went out with friends which seemed to be going OK, but he woke the next morning and while happily chatting said he felt a bit sick. When his mum came downstairs, he soon broke down in tears saying he couldnt cope with all the bad things getting at him (mainly me leaving after being around for 4 days on the trot, but also the famly cat having to be put down and a couple of other things he'd been getting worked up about).
Soon I was asked to leave (by both of them) and was told that I was not to visit this weekend either. He is apparently still in tears all the time, which is upsetting her and also his younger brother.
SO - what is the best way forward from here? How do we bring him through this, calm him down and get him to refocus on school and everything else as he has been? What can she do to help him do that and what can I do to support him even though I'm not there and have basically walked out on him and his mother? Also, what can I say to help her in this situation, given that she blames me for everything that has happened and therefore flatly refuses to listen to anything I say anyway?
How have others dealt with this sort of meltdown, either if you are there or if you are away (for whatever reason)?
Firstly, I'm not a father. As already stated, i came here to learn about what it's like to be a dad so i could better understand my own sometimes, but i can offer my experience as i was a child once, in this situation and was always fully aware of how I was feeling. My dad has taken me on a roller-coaster ride and now 28 years old i have a wealth of experience in dad's haha, and it is a subject i have a soft spot for.
Sounds like your son son has been through the mill a bit lately, loosing his cat and then finding comfort in your visits for them to be snatched away again every Sunday. Nothing change right now though, as i am assuming your place is not big enough for two boys?
So In time you can look forward to perhaps saving up for a bigger place.
Know this, all children want to know, especially boys from their dad's, is that you are there. It may be tough now and he may be hard on you but PLEASE DO NOT give up and as he grows he will love you that much more. Having apart i like to see as a special thing rather than a negative one. The fact your not around everyday makes your visits more special and makes you the "favourite parent ". And in time I bet the oldest will want to come and live with you.
Do avoid starting new families, that can be extremely devastating to a child and an ultimate betrayal, especially to a lad. It didn't happen to me thankfully, but i saw the deep hurt in my mates who's parent left and just moved on, and made occasional visits.
As for your ex, i wouldnt worry too much. As long as you can visibly prove to your boys that you were always there (through saving up money or writing little letters regularly) it will back fire on her one day, as they will see her as prevention to a father and im sure neither of you want that, but if she is not willing to cooperate then it's her own doing. It does also sound like her doing a bit. Maybe she is now stoking a fire in him to prolong his negative feelings about you. I would just try turning up every weekend with a couple of gifts or their favourite meal. If you can't get through the door due to your ex then at least the boys can see you trying. Of course always remain calm and cooperative. Once you're back in the door it wont take much to win the boys round. Exs however can be a whole bitter sweet situation
The dad and son relationship is a complex and Sacred one. The dad is very important in the sons manhood development. As i said, all you need do is be there, be available, phone often, ask every weekend if they want you over.... Do this religiously and trust me - the rest will take care of itself. Even saving a bit of money every week in money boxes at your flat will prove a touching and rewarding gesture. When it's built up a bit or even a little bank account with a fiver a week, so when they turn 18 they will have a nice little packet and most importantly see that you always cared π
Please update me on your story.
All the best,
Ant.
Sorry, I'm on my phone so there may be typos haha
Hi, sorry to hear your son has been getting upset. It's quite normal for children to feel this way but how you and your ex handle these situations is crucial to how your son copes. Stopping contact with you is not the answer but is what a lot Mums do unfortunately.
Do you and your ex get on well enough to sit down and talk about a way forward together without the children being present? Either that, or an informal letter to her might be effective? Mediation could be another option to consider, also it might be worth suggesting to your ex that you refer your son for some counselling?
I have a daughter and a son with my ex, our daughter has coped well over the 10 years we have been apart but our son has really struggled with the situation and has missed his Dad terribly. We did refer our son for counselling which was really effective for him, he was able to speak freely and took on board a lot of what the counsellor said. We also had a few joint sessions with our son and the counsellor at the end of his course and it really helped us. It might be worth a shot.
Good luck
Thank you to both of you for your replies, very interesting to see it from a grown-up chld's point of view.
After a week or so he emailed me, in his normal style, to which I replied and we've exchanged a couple more since. Now, from reading those, he appears back to normal (or at least as he was before), btu messages from my Ex indicate he is still in tears on a regular basis. I imagine the truth is somewhere in the middle. He invited me to come an watch him in a class presentation in a couple of weeks, to which I said yes straight away, but then got a message from my Ex demanding why I didnt ask her first and why I thought I had any right to go!
Dont know what is going to happen at the weekend yet, but hopefully we can navigate our way through without too many tears or arguments.
As always the biggest barrier is money, because she never has enough despite me paying CSA and most of her household bills, and I am already having to borrow from family to get through the month, but as she lost a lot of money when our house was repossessed because of debts I'd built up, then her attitude is that she is owed that back and therefore I need to pay for anything she wants, however I get the money, even if it means getting my parents to sell their house in order to give it to her.
Negotiation has not worked, be it Relate or Mediation, as her view is that the purpose is for them to side with her and tell me what a horrible person I am and that I should give her all her money there and then & then disappear for good, and when they dont do that she is just not interested. She wants rid of me completely from all of their lives, and talks of getting me arrested for emotional abuse (meaning the psychological damage that me walking out has done to all of them, rather than anything more sinister, although that doesnt stop her using such terms to or about me).
However, and buoyed on by your comments, I'm just going to keep calm, keep in touch when I can, visit/see them when I can, and just be patient and hope that one day I can talk to the boys about all this and explain my side, without them turning against me for turning against their mother, which is what she is waiting for and something that I hope they will be able to see through in time.
One thing that concerns me though is the timescale for all these things - how long can the bickering last, how long does it take to cut someone out as she is threatening to do, how long does it take children to accept separation, how long before they start to take sides, how long before they stop wanting to see the 'visiting' parent - and how do those involved cope in the mean time? I always try to take a long term view, look to times when it will get better, but is just 'being there' as you put it enough for children in the interim?
I have my view/hopes, and they are generally re-inforced by people I speak to, including on here, but I struggle to maintain that in the face of the constant message I keep hearing from my Ex, that all their lives are ruined for ever, they are scarred for life, etc etc, and that I cannot love them because if I did I wouldnt have done any of this.
Is it possible to love your child (and to have that child believe that you do), even though you've walked out on their mother (and therefore them)? Can children differentiate between what you feel for them and what you feel for their mother, OR do they see it as one and the same, ie. that you have abandoned them all as one and therefore cannot ever love them??
Blimey, this was only meant to be a short note of thanks, but I seem to have gone on a bit. However, any thoughts (good AND BAD, if necessary) would be appreciated
At this stage, it would seem an application to court for a Child Arrangement Order will be your only option. Depending on how long ago you attended mediation, the mediator should be able to stamp the C100 form that allows you to make an application.
My personal opinion is that if you continue to allow her to dictate the arrangements, you could be on a slippery slope to no contact with your children. If you have a CAO in place, then your ex has to stick to that or you can take her back to court for enforcement.
Court is not an easy option and can often make things worse temporarily but it would give your children the certainty, routine and regularity of contact.
It must be a very difficult time for you all now.
Good luck π