Hi all.
Been a bit of a while since I came on here but life has changed rather dramatically in that time.
For the past 18 months I have been a full time single father to my now 4 year old child. He has zero contact with his mother which caused him all sorts of issues. I dont want to make this post about her so will keep this brief. I decided to end the relationship. She immediately went and got with someone else and my boy just ended up staying with me whilst she was more interested in her new guy. She showed no interest in seeing our child. I pursued her to have contact with him to no avail for a good 9 months, excuse after excuse. So I took the hard decision just after Xmas to say enough is enough as she had let him down once again, this was causing my son all sorts of problems which was challenging and doing his development no good. She asks to see him every couple of months now but I simply say prove yourself and you can, her mindset is she's his mother so doesn't need to prove herself.
So anyways that aside 2019 has been challenging in many ways. It started off well but then went vastly down hill. My son had to miss months off of nursery as his mother kept threatening to collect him and the nursery advised me to keep him off as they didn't want a scene happening at the setting. Eventually social services got involved and told her they would not support him going with her and would support me in an emergency court application so my son was then able to return to nursery.
Unfortunately my mother then passed away in March, two days before mothers day. I only ever saw her once a week as we live in different areas but she was my rock, would always be on the end of the phone. Her death wasnt unexpected as she had been in poor health but at the same time it was a shock as she seemed to be doing ok however she passed at home due to pneumonia, I constantly beat myself up as 2 days before I was due to take her to the doctors for a general check up but she cancelled it saying she didn't feel she needed to go, I feel like I should have been more forceful and she may be here today. But I do think she knew she was unwell and decided it was her time to go, but that's also a bitter pill for me to swallow.
My sisters (who myself and my mum didn't have the greatest relationship with) also made things even more difficult, as soon as mum was taken away they started clearing her flat out, they demanded my presence at the property every day after to help. I have Aspergers so change is really difficult for me, I felt as if I was being tortured by being forced to help, it was all too raw and too soon for me. Eventually i had to say no i cant do this anymore, i needed to somehow come to some basic terms of her passing before I could help any further. This caused my 3 sisters to then fall out with me as i wasnt helping.
My sisters then went and arranged the funeral without me and simply text me the arrangements, they broke the law by doing this (yet the police were not interested) I had hundreds of phone calls to and from the funeral directors due to this, it was only the day before the proposed funeral that my rights were finally recognised and the funeral was then cancelled. My mother never wanted to be cremated but had never put anything in writing, so the stress of this was immense for me.
It then dragged on for months and months, the insurance company then paid out for a funeral that never took place which again I had to fight to have the funds returned. The funeral directors were an absolute disgrace as they tried to cover up their initial mistake. I then had to fight the insurance company for paying out when I had instructed them not to.
My sisters would not agree to anything, I was willing to compromise on a cremation as long as there was to be a service, my sisters did not want a service under any circumstance.
Eventually in August the council got involved and a public health funeral was held and mum was buried. The council created even more problems tho along the way, especially as they used the same firm that had created this whole situation. I've still got complaints out against the funeral directors, insurance company and the council but I just have little energy to pursue them currently.
On top of this my mums mother then passed away a month later, officially due to old age but probably brought on by my mum passing.
But with all this going on I still had to care for my little boy and be his Daddy as he has no one else, looking back now I am mightly proud in how I did manage to carry on as normal as possible for him despite everything that was going on. I took him away on two holidays as I felt guilty that he was seeing me upset etc.
I even completed two half marathons in that time.
Since Mum was buried it's been a real struggle, we went on holiday a week later and that was really good. My son then started school and I think a combination of suddenly having all that time alone and the holiday blues and everything from this year caught up with me. My best friend then unexpectedly passed away and his funeral was at the same place as where mum is buried. That just stirred everything back up, I dont know who I'm grieving for half the time.
The last few weeks have been a huge struggle for me, I have no energy most of the time, my sleep pattern is all over the place. I hate to sleep as everytime I do I'm suddenly having vivid dreams about my mum or my sisters, I wake up feeling traumatised. I'm waking up at 3am every day and then as I have to take my son to school I then stay up to take him, I then crash out on the sofa whilst he is I'm school.
Just before mum passed I had started to decorate my property, things were put into boxes etc, I then dipped in and out of the decorating after mum passed, I now have 3 half decorated rooms with everything in boxes. I do the general house work every day and keep the house clean but beyond that I just have zero energy or appetite to do anything else. I look at all the jobs I need to do and just feel totally overwhelmed and not knowing where to start.
I took the hard decision to go to the doctors and they said I was suffering delayed bereavement but apart from that were useless, gave me a leaflet for counselling which could take over 6 months and refused to give me any medication.
Every day I try my hardest to look after my boy, keep him fed watered and clothed etc because he needs that consistency after all hes been through and I manage to do those things. But when hes asleep, when hes at school I struggle big time. I dislike who I now am as I dont feel like me anymore, I dont enjoy the things I once did.
I live in an area where I dont know anyone, I have 100% care and responsibility of my child, now Mum has gone I have no one to babysit him if needed, it's just me and him now and that kind of gets me down a little as the weight of responsibility is huge, I have no physical support now and that is hard, I have to do everything myself and whilst before mum passed that was no problem right now it is a little bit of a struggle. I constantly fear and panic about myself dying since all these deaths and what would happen to my boy.
Today i felt immensely guilty as I once again crashed out on sofa and was 15 minutes late picking him up from school, I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself, the teacher wasnt happy either and wouldn't even give me chance to explain.
I'm sorry for such a long post and thank you so much if you have got this far! I just needed to write my thoughts down I suppose.
Hello Dec.
I was so sad reading your post, there really doesn't seem to be much good to look back on this year, so you can only look forwards, but I think you definitely need help, and I would take the counselling that your GP has offered you - it isn't a quick fix, but it will hopefully help you to realise that what you are feeling is quite natural, and how to deal with it.
hi dec,
that reminds me a little bit about my situation. ex ran off, then few months later my dad passed away. also poor health, old age, so was not a big shock. i think the marriage break up had a worse effect on me. but i am glad i have good family support. is there any way you can patch things up with your family? these are the worst times to be alone.
Hello Dec.
I was so sad reading your post, there really doesn't seem to be much good to look back on this year, so you can only look forwards, but I think you definitely need help, and I would take the counselling that your GP has offered you - it isn't a quick fix, but it will hopefully help you to realise that what you are feeling is quite natural, and how to deal with it.
Thank you so much for your reply. I remember speaking to you on here in the past, hope you are well.
I feel really guilty because after all I went through in my previous court process, I still have no contact with that child, I should really go back to court but cant fathom the energy for another court battle right now. I now have sole responsibility for the child that lives with me (different mothers) and I do absolutely love it, he has been my absolute rock and brings me joy, god knows where I would be right now without him, he gives me strength but it's when I'm not with him that I really struggle, although the flip side is since starting school full time our relationship has gone from strength to strength as our time together is now quality time and we are bot living in each other's pockets.
I just feel incredibly bad because many would love the life I've got, I used to love it, I still do but just feel so unhappy all the time and I dont quite know what changes to make to feel happy again. I really need to indulge in some self care or something.
My whole life I've been very forward thinking and have great bounce back ability from all the stuff life has thrown at me but [censored] I'm struggling to get over this hill for sure for the first time in my life.
I've always had a youthful outlook on life but since mum passed, I suddenly feel really old, and I'm only 33. I didn't have one grey hair before she passed and now I have loads and I think the realisation that I'm not forever young and I'm half the age Mum was is also having an effect.
I've put my name on the list for councilling and just have to somehow find a way of getting through until then, it sucks that the help is not there when people actually need it.
Thank you again for your reply.
hi dec,
that reminds me a little bit about my situation. ex ran off, then few months later my dad passed away. also poor health, old age, so was not a big shock. i think the marriage break up had a worse effect on me. but i am glad i have good family support. is there any way you can patch things up with your family? these are the worst times to be alone.
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and your marriage break up. I am a true believer in everything happens for a reason, that reason may not be apparent at the time but over time it will. I hope you one day find your reason and peace with the situations you have faced.
I think there is far too much water under the bridge with my sisters, too much was said and done tbh. My whole life I have battled against the 3 sisters who would team up against me, mum would always have my back if they stepped out of line, as soon as she was gone they tried to take advantage of me and bully me into what they wanted without little consideration for my wishes and feelings and most importantly the wishes of my mother. I felt as if they were all following their own agendas and were trying to seek revenge against Mum following her death but not wanting her to have a funeral. Unless there is a heartfelt apology forthcoming from them then I cant ever see their being a reconciliation unfortunately.
It hurts, it hurts massively that I've lost pretty much everyone this year but what hurts the most is that my boy will never really get to experience any kind of family, all he has is me and whilst we do have a very unique and special bond I do feel as if he is missing out on a normal life and that worries.
Every day I am terrified incase something happens to me, I'm his world. If I'm ever struck down with the flu or whatever then it's a real struggle to get him to school and to even care for him but I try my best even tho that probably makes my recovery longer, but when he has missed school on the odd occasion I then feel absolutely terrible, I also feel as if the teachers kinda look down on me rather than be supportive of my situation.
This year I have also learned who my real friends are, when mum 1st passed I was swamped with messages, as time goes by, when you need the support the most, people dont care, they expect you to get over it quickly (easy for them to say when they still have both parents hey!) I lost my father when I was younger and have no grandparents left either. So now it's just me and my two cousins but well they have their own issues going on. I had one friend who I thought I was really close with, they didn't even bother to message me after Mum died, not even a how are you, I have considered maybe they just didn't know what to day but then at the same time I didn't want to make excuses and then 3 months later when they found out in was going on holiday they begged me to let them come with me! I dont talk to them anymore.
I do have people that offer to look after my son if I ever need them to but every time I ask suddenly they cant. I've kinda given up asking now as not once have they said yes.
I do have the option of moving to Ireland, I have about 20+ friends over there who I've known since I was a child, they are a family but they all moved to Ireland some time ago. It was them that helped me split up with my ex and I went to stay with them whilst the dust settled. We are considered a part of their family and I'd have all the support I've not got here over there however there is a few issues with that, firstly I'd need my sons mothers permission or need to seek a court order (there currently are not any court orders) secondly I am in receipt of disability benefits due to my condition and having looked into claiming benefits in Ireland it just seemed far to confusing and possibly not possible due to not having previously worked in Ireland. Thirdly I have a two year old housing association house here which I love (I just dont love the location) so I'd be losing that and then god knows what accommodation I'd be able to get in Ireland, plus it's likely that accommodation won't be as good as what I have and it would be rented from a landlord. Also I'd be sacrificing living close to a city and doing the things I enjoy in the City such as going to watch my football team (that's the only thing I really have to look forward to) so I kinda feel on the one hand if I could align all the stars things would be better for me and my son, but in other areas things won't be as good.
Apologies that this has turned into a long post, I think I have kept all this bottled up for far too long and now it's coming to the surface. Thank you for taking the time to read.
Hi Dec,
have you given any thought about rebuilding your life, like a new relationship/marriage? i know it would be foolish to jump into something when your not mentally ready for it.
Hi Dec
Out of interest, where do you live - don't need any more than the county.
Cheers
Clive