Currently trying to negotiate with my wife over finances in separation. Neither of us have any savings. We have equity released from the mortgage (released to improve the house). I'm living in a small flat and want a house asap.
I've asked for between a third and half of the equity to be able to move on (I can't afford to put a deposit down and furnish a house as it stands). She has refused this saying she needs that pot to improve the house and also pay the mortgage if I'm not contributing.
We haven't decided on what I will contribute to. But I can't pay towards the mortgage, and childcare, and the upkeep of the house while renting myself somewhere that will likely be more expensive than our mortgage (we got a good rate). She has also suggested if I'm not paying towards the mortgage my pot should be less when we sell the house in 5 years (her suggestion, she can't buy me out, if we sell the kids will have to move away from friends/school).
We've reached an impasse whereby the only way forward will be solicitors and £££ or I basically cave in and agree to her demands. She's having her cake and eating it. She seems ignorant to the fact that I'll be waving goodbye to £40-50k in rent over the next few years.
Thanks
Matt
You could try mediation before going to court and/or paying for solicitors. Recommend you get one who is registered and specialises in finance after separation. You can google the Family Mediation Council for contacts in your area. There is also a guide to sorting out your finances when you get divorced on the advicenow.org.uk website. That may give you an idea of what to expect.
This is harrowingly similar to my situation in every way.
You've given her the family home under the guise of it was best for your kids, which it probably is but that's been at your detriment not hers. carrying on to pay your commitment in the form of the mortgage and this if affecting your ability to move on and start a fresh, what you're saying about renting is right you're throwing away good money and non as it is. The one phrase i keep trying to make land with my ex wife when we have these conversations is "i've compromised on x,y and z. show me where your compromise is?" it doesn't work as she hasn't a conscience but hopefully one day the penny drops.
Keep thinking of phrasing things to her as best for the kids, as 2 households of equal parity would be better than one parent having it plain and easy at the expense of the other parent surely?
It is that cake and eating it scenario. I posted something similar a couple of nights ago because of circumstances similar to yours and am now going down the mediation route with a view to obtaining a court order for the children to have her acknowledge the amount of time i have with the kids, the house one i can't seem to get her to engage with at all but there's nothing but negative equity in ours to be fair but being released or bought out of my half would be ideal.
@yorkshiredad28 Thanks for the reply.
I've managed to find a house to move to, my current living situation became inappropriate for the kids (idiot neighbour) so I took the decision they need to live with mum until I can find somewhere better. Fortunately I've done that quickly. She has refused to release joint funds to help me move (ultimately blocking access to my kids). At the same time she has ramped up a new relationship and has already had him stop over with the kids, which was absolutely not agreed to and is documented as such in mediation.
I feel like I'm dealing with someone who is unhinged. Everyone including my solicitor thinks her behaviour is appalling. I still have some emotions wrapped up in her and struggle to see it. I can't afford it but have to do solicitors now.
Thanks again.
Is it worth going the other way with it, as in saying look unless you sort this mess out I can't have the kids overnight because i'll need to work more and save more to get into a position to buy again, and surely the idea of having kids constantly might make her think twice?
The other bloke stuff, as much as i agree it seems too soon and it isn't respectful to you or the kids, it's kind of out of your control, I always think to myself she couldn't move another man in without buying me out of the mortgage but they pretty much can there's not a great deal you can do about that one. But having him the picture only helps you in this case because she isn't a single person with just the one income anymore is she so i'd be quick to point it out in mediation she's access to 2 wages.
It's easier said than done but you need to let the emotions go. Can your work help get access to counselling or anything? Mine were brilliant for that, outside of it I went to Andy's Man Club meetings on Monday evenings in my town and I couldn't give the organisation enough praise. You'll only get through this with what you're rightfully entitled to and what's best for you if you're prepared to throw the whole kitchen sink at her because some where someone's going to lose out on something neither of you will get everything your own way.
I'd say in your case it's the relationship status itself, the housing situation and the short term changes to lifestyle you've had to compromised on so now it would be her time to make some compromises going forward.
It’s impossible to work out a best strategy here without knowing what the house is worth, what your mortgage balance is, how much equity you released, where that money is held, what your & her other assets (and debts) are worth and the values of each of your pensions.
Get on with information gathering as quick as possible and then you can come to a fair settlement, rather than her have everything, block you from funds, but still expect you to pay mortgage…
My situation is very similar to this.
I agreed to stay on the mortgage and pay 40% towards it until the house is eventually sold in 9 years time; even with a court order that states that I am indemnified against any non-payment by my ex doesn't mean a thing in the eyes of a lender; because I am jointly liable for the full amount so any bank will look at the 100% cost of the mortgage you are currently on when seeing how much they will lend you. I mean, sure if you have like £200k in savings maybe not such an issue, but I have about £15k and even getting the most basic flat in the cheapest area is not possible.
Once sold I will get my money back, but doesn't help me now and 9 years is a long time when you have two small children to miss out on having them over and building that second home for them. I had to really push for the initial 9 years wait for the house to be sold. Being on a mortgage doesn't let you do any Help to Buy or similar schemes.
So for me, I have CMS, mortgage payments, student loan, and this all means I have no option to buy even a garage as my affordability is severely restricted. My only option is house sharing at the moment and my daughters can't stay with me at all, so it is impacting me by not allowing me to move on, and also impacting my relationship with my daughters. It is so deflating and there is little help for someone like me who works full time and has no access to support to enable a brighter future for myself and my children. I know they are happy as they didn't have to get uprooted, but it is completely at the detriment of my own life, and I feel very much restricted and subhuman because of the living situation I am in.
If anyone has managed to navigate out of this situation then let me know as it is hard. And my advice to anyone going through the process to establish what happens to the house, get off the mortgage if you can because it will make your life, and the lives of your children compromised way beyond what you even initially imagined.
My situation is very similar to this.
I agreed to stay on the mortgage and pay 40% towards it until the house is eventually sold in 9 years time; even with a court order that states that I am indemnified against any non-payment by my ex doesn't mean a thing in the eyes of a lender; because I am jointly liable for the full amount so any bank will look at the 100% cost of the mortgage you are currently on when seeing how much they will lend you. I mean, sure if you have like £200k in savings maybe not such an issue, but I have about £15k and even getting the most basic flat in the cheapest area is not possible.
Once sold I will get my money back, but doesn't help me now and 9 years is a long time when you have two small children to miss out on having them over and building that second home for them. I had to really push for the initial 9 years wait for the house to be sold. Being on a mortgage doesn't let you do any Help to Buy or similar schemes.
So for me, I have CMS, mortgage payments, student loan, and this all means I have no option to buy even a garage as my affordability is severely restricted. My only option is house sharing at the moment and my daughters can't stay with me at all, so it is impacting me by not allowing me to move on, and also impacting my relationship with my daughters. I found one good service here, hope I will make some extra money. It is so deflating and there is little help for someone like me who works full time and has no access to support to enable a brighter future for myself and my children. I know they are happy as they didn't have to get uprooted, but it is completely at the detriment of my own life, and I feel very much restricted and subhuman because of the living situation I am in.
If anyone has managed to navigate out of this situation then let me know as it is hard. And my advice to anyone going through the process to establish what happens to the house, get off the mortgage if you can because it will make your life, and the lives of your children compromised way beyond what you even initially imagined.
I understand you, it's a difficult situation. Hope you get through all of this.
And as for getting off the mortgage, unfortunately, not everything is as simple as we would like. But I agree with you.
A bit of an update on this and it hasn't really improved. I've gone through solicitors as my ex keeps making what feel like unfair demands. But ultimately she will win it seems as she's seen as primary carer (has them a smidge more than I do) and lives in the 'family' home. My solicitor has put forward 2 proposals-
1. She stays in the house until the youngest child is 18 (so 13 years away), I maintain my share of the house but contribute nothing. I get a small amount now which is half the savings and that's that.
2. We sell the house, she can port the good mortgage rate and all the proceeds from the sale onto a new property. I hold some stake in that new house, then same rules apply until kids hit 18. I get a small amount now.
Apparently if we went to court regarding this they would make sure ids and therefore mum are okay first. Kids I am fully onboard with obviously, who wouldn't be. And I can get my head around ex having a small win to keep this moving forward. But this doesn't feel like a small win for her, it's potentially 2 big wins and a very long time for me to rent and try and move on.
So a bit confused and also utterly baffled at what a fair settlement looks like.
A bit of an update on this and it hasn't really improved. I've gone through solicitors as my ex keeps making what feel like unfair demands. But ultimately she will win it seems as she's seen as primary carer (has them a smidge more than I do) and lives in the 'family' home. My solicitor has put forward 2 proposals-
1. She stays in the house until the youngest child is 18 (so 13 years away), I maintain my share of the house but contribute nothing. I get a small amount now which is half the savings and that's that.
2. We sell the house, she can port the good mortgage rate and all the proceeds from the sale onto a new property. I hold some stake in that new house, then same rules apply until kids hit 18. I get a small amount now.
Apparently if we went to court regarding this they would make sure ids and therefore mum are okay first. Kids I am fully onboard with obviously, who wouldn't be. And I can get my head around ex having a small win to keep this moving forward. But this doesn't feel like a small win for her, it's potentially 2 big wins and a very long time for me to rent and try and move on.
So a bit confused and also utterly baffled at what a fair settlement looks like.
The proposals your solicitor has put forward indeed seem to present significant challenges and a long-term commitment. It's positive that you're prioritizing the well-being of your children, but finding a fair balance for both parties is crucial for a sustainable resolution.
Consider discussing with your solicitor the possibility of mediation or alternative dispute resolution methods. These approaches can sometimes lead to more mutually agreeable solutions while avoiding the lengthy and costly court process.