[Solved] Advivce needed, total mess 🙁

Hi ridges,

I feel for you, this sounds like a terrible situation to be in. There is nothing worse than being mucked around when it comes to contact with your children. Your kids need you - as you know growing up without a dad yourself.

I have passed this on to the Children's Legal Centre for some official advice. They could take a couple of days to respond, though I'm sure in the meantime other dadtalkers will be happy to give advice.

Gooner

Dear Ridges

It is not clear whether or not you have parental responsibility from your post. Parental responsibility, in everyday terms, means an ability to have an input into major decisions relating to the children. If you were not married to your ex-partner then you will only automatically have parental responsibility for those children who were born after December 2003. If your children were born before this time then being on the birth certificate does not automatically afford you parental responsibility.

It is possible for your ex-partner to give you parental responsibility, if you do not have this already, by prescribed agreement. The form necessary to make this agreement can be found here: http://www.hmcourts-service.gov.uk/HMCS ... orms_id=48 . You and your ex-partner must have your signatures witnessed by a court official. If your ex-partner will not agree to this then it is possible to apply to the court for a parental responsibility order.

Unfortunately, parental responsibility does not give a right of contact with a child. The children themselves have a right of contact and if the children are considered too young to exercise that right then it is up to the resident parent to decide how much, if any, contact to allow. There is no specific bias towards either parent in the law however, for practical reasons, the person who the children with reside with make most day to day decisions on the children’s behalf.

There are ways which you can gain a set amount contact with your children which may not involve supervised contact. The first option that you should consider is that of family mediation. Most parents who apply to court for a contact order try mediation first. The courts generally like to see that the parents have attempted to resolve the problems themselves. In many instances, legal aid will only be granted where mediation has been tried.

If mediation is unsuccessful or your ex-partner refuses to attend then you have the option of making an application to court for a contact order. A contact order is an order made by the court under s.8 Children Act 1989. The order makes clear who shall have contact with the child, how often this will be and how long the contact will be for.

Going to court can be a stressful and expensive experience. It is a 'last resort'. Before making an application for an order parents should seek legal advice. It is possible for a parent to make an application themselves, but there are advantages to being represented by a solicitor. A solicitor will know and understand the process and procedures and can help reach agreements.

The court must only make an order where they consider it would be better for the children to do so rather than making no order at all. To make an application to the court you can either use a solicitor or alternatively act for yourself as a litigant in person.

If you are going to act for yourself because you do not qualify for legal aid then an application to the court can be made by filling out a C100 form and sending it to the court. You can obtain the C100 form by visiting the Her Majesty’s Court Service website ( www.hmcs.gov.uk ) or alternatively you can visit your local county court to collect the form. Guidance on how the children and family courts operate can be found by following this link: . There is an application fee of £175. Once the form has been completed you should return it to the court with the fee. The parties involved will receive a date on which to attend court.

The court will make a decision regarding what contact to allow based on what is considered to be in your children’s best interests.

If a contact order is put in place then your ex-partner cannot override this. Your ex-partner will be bound to follow the order and there are penalties for breach of a contact order.

The Child Support Agency do not automatically get involved when contact proceedings are going ahead but this is often a knee-[censored] reaction of the resident parent and therefore one often follows the other. Your ex-partner can involve the Child Support Agency at any point and this is not linked to the contact you are receiving, in fact the two issues are separate areas of law.

We hope this information has been of use to you. For further clarification regarding this issue or any other issue of child law then please do not hesitate to contact the Child Law Advice Line on 08088 020 008.

Kind regards

Children’s Legal Centre

Thanks gooner for the kind words, much appreciated and made me feel better for a bit, but I'm really taking all this to heat and it bloomin hurts, my worst nightmare this is. But thanks for the encouraging words, its good people like you all here who make a big difference.

@childrenlegalcentre ... all the children were born after september 2004, I went with her to register the births and was put on the birth certificate for all of them ... from what i understand this entitles me to parental responsibility. A good thing I was there to have this done as it seems to make a difference and one less thing to apply to the court for 🙂

I called one of the helplines and spoke to a lovely lady who was helpful and gave me advice and more support line numbers. She thinks if I get a solicitor involved it might jolt her into not being so silly (put politely) ... but if that fails .. she suggested mediation and asked if I thought it would work or she would turn up I said, she'd use it as a playingfield to pot shot and try and use it to get our petty problems out there where instead we should put that aside zand work out whats best for the kids ... but she said its worth doing as if she doesn't turn up it will look more favourable for me or if she does and it goes like that and you can't reach a compromise it shows the courts that I have made an effort to sort this without court intervention. But it will be an utter nightmare for me.... no doubt will feel like I'm jumping through a hoop, but I fear I shall have to do it for the greater good. I feeling is sadly this will go to court and some stranger will get to decide what access time I get... I love to see them inforce this knowing how nasty she can be...

And even if we do go down that line as you say if she decides how much contact is allowed! how the [censored] does that work... she doesn't want me to have any so she'd obviously turn around and say none and come up with cockandbull for reasoning... 🙄

I think my best bet is the set amount of contact time set by a stranger, the support line said this is usally every other weekend, and one evening a week .. it's better than nothing but very difficult having been with them everyday since birth so this possible limited time will be hard for me and no doubt the kids.

Shes a nasty piece of work so I'm sure she will get the CSA involved out of spite, even through I have a monthly standing order to her to prove I pay more than what the CSA would ask for so she'll get less but non the less she will do this out of spite as she knows I think what the CSA do is rubbish but she'll cut her nose of to spite her face... no doubt she try and make me give her money somehow... a true example of a digusting mother.

I honestly wish I knew where it all went soooo wrong and got into this but hey ho it has and its a mater of pushing forward and getting to see my kids.

I find it hard in my new flat alone, the quiet for one is scaring me, sadly I watch the same cartoon as they would've out of habit .. gotta love spongebob huh 🙂 ) ....pffft so many what ifs going through my head...

I thank you guys kindly with the advice and well shoulder to lean on ... I hope one day I can come on here and do the same ...

...I fear more trying times ahead 😐

I went through 18 months of [censored] (end expense) to sort out residence (which I got) and contact (restrictive on the mother) - 3 years on (and after another bout in court to make contact more restrictive), I can honestly say that I'd do it all again if I had to - so as bad as it seems now, it's worth the fight if you're going to see your children more.

Hi

I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through right now. I hope that you can get things on an even keel soon and your children will see you as much as they can. Kids are always the ones who suffer when parents split up - keep going, as actd said, it will be worth it in the end.

I do think you should seriously consider mediation because as you've already been advised, it will go in your favour with the courts, if you can show you did everything you could to sort things out with your ex.

Hang in there, I know it is an awful time for you right now.

Let us know how you get on.

All the very best

I agree with Mikey 100% - should have said in my post as well - you need to at least try to go to mediation first, and it's even possible that your ex will come to an agreement to avoid looking bad in court.

Bi of an Update, I have a appointment with a solicitor on a week Tuesday, earliest appointment sadly. He did say the court won;t pay for anything unless Mediation was done which is fine by me, may even work, I hope it does to avert any further distress to mainly myself, so far the kids are unaware which I' grateful for and the mum seems to be having fun at my expense sadly.

Very strangely the ex- is being a little nicer this week in terms of her behaviour to me, which really contradicts her behaviour when I first posted, shes very confusing but I fear it will change again at some point leaving me back where I started so I think its best to push ahead with the solicitor ?

As if I don't and she starts again ... its like here we go again ... I do think once she receives the initial solicitors letter it'll get a bit awkward and she'll kick off again ... but if I don't it like a timer countdown to when she chucks a mood swing again.

At least if I do pursue this line I'll know where I stand.

At the time being I can see the kids whenever I want, and take them out, which is great ... but there just not allowed to stay at mine or see my mum .. they don't on. So her spite has spreaded a bit. Very bad as the kids love their gran, shes very good to them... so once I have a contact order I can let my kids see anyone I like including there gran without her being able to do a thing about it ... I hope.

But yeah thats where thing are at the moment.

I haven't told her I'm seeing a solicitor, not that I have to she'll find out in good time. I jst feel like I'm being sneaky or something not that she has left me any other option to be fair....

I just wanted to let you guys whove helped immensly when I first posted, and reading older posts... a very big support.

Thanks all

She sounds just like my ex mate and know exactly how you feel, its [censored] they can just click their fingers and dictate what you can/can't do.

I went through mediation, thankfully free of charge due to having a pay cut and paying my rent etc. we agreed on visits but very limited and mainly on her terms but i went along with it just to keep the peace. This was back in july 09 and have since had other meetings but mainly to sort out finances and who gets what as im at the final stage of divorce. Then i recently had a letter from them saying the case will be closed..........I was like wooooh hold on, although i agreed to limited contact back in july i felt it time to get things changed............well what you know, She was happy the way things were and did not want to attend anymore sessions so i've just got my C100 contact order forms from the court to fill in.

£175 but well spent in my eyes if it means i get my kids a whole weekend (fortnightly) than the measly 24hrs i have them now.

Think she's bricking it now cuz it was only a few days ago she said i was to have no contact with them at all untill it had been to court, Had a text 2 days ago off her saying i can pick them up as usual now. Well she can try and play that game but i've had enough and this is the only way to move forward and hopefully will end all this rift.........That she's the cause of to start with.

Hope you work it out and get the help you need, Takes time but worth it.

pete.

One word of advice - keep an accurate note of date/time and content of all communication - texts, conversations, everything. The courts prefer this than to a vague recollection, and I know it helped immensely in my case. Also, because you are recording everything, make sure that you don't react if possible, but if you do, record it (along with why you did) so that it's an accurate and complete record.