[Solved] Complicated situation need advice plz and thanks

I would also like to add she pretty much immediatly gave up the family home and moved herself and both the children into a house with her new fella who has a child from a previous relationship and has since had yet another baby with him.

Also the last few visits I made were with my mother who drove me down and the last time I spoke to her saying I would be visiting shortly but coming on my own by train she then refused saying I could only now come and take the children out if I was accompanied by my mother as "she doesn't trust me not to take them"

This is despite having come and visited and taken the children out for the day on many occasions and having no problems at all and returning them on time and safe and well.

Hi SB87 and welcome 🙂

It makes me so angry when these mothers seem to think they have the right to dictate in such a way, and to use threats of stopping contact.
You do have rights and you should be allowed to have your children for the weekends.

The first thing you can do is to request that she attends Mediation, I would suggest you choose a Mediation Service near to where she lives so that she cant use that as an excuse not to attend....she may refuse anyway by the sound of it but this is the first step in the process. I would suggest you put the request in writing, keep a copy of the letter and send it recorded signed for so that you can prove she received it.
Or you could contact the Mediation Service, make an appointment to attend and speak to them about what you would like to achieve. They would then write to her and invite her to attend, if she refuses they could then issue you with a form FM1. You would submit this form along with your application for contact to the court. The form would show the court that you had tried to pursue Mediation but she had refused. Heres a link www.nfm.org.uk

Try not to communicate with her verbally from now on, letters, emails or texts are better as you have a record of your communication. Always be civil with her in any dealings you have.

If Mediation is refused or fails, then the next step is to go to court. Your ex seems to be under the impression that she can dictate to the judge what she will allow...it doesnt work like that. Courts will always consider that the childrens best interests are served by having both parents involved in their lives. There are two stickys at the top of the Legal Eagle section, the first is called the "Contact Order C100 Guide" and gives information and help filling in the C100 form, which is the form that you would submit to court to apply for contact. The second sticky is called "How to Represent yourself in Court" and this explains all about the court process. The cost of solicitors can be prohibitive as they can charge thousands of pounds, lots of Dads on here have chosen to represent themselves so theres plenty of advice and suport here for you.

As far as the accusations are concerned, it is her word against yours and she has rather shot herself in the foot by allowing you unsupervised contact in the past, even though more recently she has insisted on your mother being there. You can also prove that you were the primary carer at one point whist she studied full time and she left the children with you for two months after you split. If the allegations are unsubstantiated then I wouldnt worry too much about it and when asked you just need to tell the truth about it.....the allegations have only started since you asked for weekend access etc.

Just have a good look around the forum and read about others experiences. Whatever you decide to do we can advise and support you....But dont doubt for one minute that regular overnight contact with your children cant be achieved, because it can! 😉

Worse case scenario, the court order supervised contact at a Contact Centre. This would only be in the short term maybe 3-6 months and you would still reach the point where you could expect unsupervised overnight weekend stays, it would just take a bit longer.

...I forgot to mention that if she makes allegations of drug abuse the judge will probably order drugs tests.

I agree with everything nannyjane says.
Your ex is obviously being difficult for whatever reason and I would not expect that to change.
Go to court !
I would say represent yourself, certainly now the new legal aid restrictions are in place, From my experience it is actually favourable to represent yourself. My experience in having solicitors represent me will follow in this forum soon and it is not a positive experience. They can prolong the procedure for profit and this has been recently recognised officially.

Your Ex partner says she will attack your character,
The court will only take that into account if there is historical evidence of the allegations. Do not be intimidated by her threats, if there is no historical evidence like police attention or social workers intervention then the court will hold little interest in this. The courts hear these allegations day in and day out and want to see something to back this up.
What may happen is that you have a cafcass report which entails you and her being interviewed and a report being submitted. Again, a delay,,

Nannyjane is right once again saying that if there are allegations of drink or drug abuse you may be asked to submit to a hair strand or liver test. This delays the proceedings but can be very worthwhile. If you have a legal aid certificate in place this will cover the cost (it costs around £600) but is a great tool in your armoury to deflect the allegations once they come back unsubstantiated.

If you dont have legal aid then certainly reject the need for a test as being unsubstantiated or suggest that the cost is covered by your ex!.

My advice is, dont expect a quick fix, think about 12 months to be where you want to be rather than a few months. Do everything right, dont contact her and let her act unreasonably before you do.
In 12 months you will have what you think is appropriate. With the courts, Its a technical procedure but your personality can come through and make a difference on your day in court.
I am a fantastic dad, I went through 18 months of this nonsense but now I have my daughter at home when it is right. It will be the same for you too but you will have to have patience.
You will get there too !
Good luck and I hope you get what you deserve !

Thankyou all, the responses are really helpful and appreciated

yes her behaviour seems to be she will attack my charecter.

There is absolutly NO evidence of what shes saying to people apart from obviously her saying it and some crying to anyone who'll listen.

It seems like I'm going to have to go to court "letting sleeping dogs lie" has allowed me to have the children on days out but I'm really not happy with that.

I've no doubt once I have begun this process she will then deny me all access and probably phone calls which is a horrible thought but it is for the best long term.

This situation is horrid I dread to think what she says to my children about me.

I've been nothing but civil and all claims are totally unsubstantiated in all the years we lived togther the police were never called apart from the one incident I metioned earlier where I simply told her I would return the children at the arranged time rather than at the drop of a hat and I handed them to her as to diffuse the screaming and shouting from her.

I have never hurt her, I loved her dearly until she cheated on me and I just find it hard to believe a woman who I thought was rational wouldn't understand it is of course in the best interests of the kids to see both parents and to behave well.

I will arrange mediation for as close to her as possible so hopefully no excuses and if she insists in dragging it though court then I'll just have to do it.

A court ordered drug test etc don't bother me in the slightest!

Thankyou!

OK I've contacted a medation service within 2 miles of her house. They have advised me they will send a letter and see if she is at least willing to mediate.

I'm pretty sure she won't but at least the ball is rolling.

I called her just to let her know a letter would be with her, I had a load of abuse and the following text made for a horrid read. I also recorded the call with her.

She has said I am no longer aloud to even speak with the kids to say goodnight! means to an end hopefully!!!!

...The first step, well done! 😉

Its a good idea to start a diary, or as some Dads call it, a bible! Start with a chronology of events that has led you to this point, and then just make a record of absolutely everything, with dates and times....My son would use a highlighter on the really important points for ease of reference. You will find this extremely useful when you get to court.

Good luck with the Mediation 🙂

Thanks, Yes i've started a diary, will back up text messages and downloaded an App to record all phone calls, i'm not sure about the legality of recording the calls i.e they may not be usable but i'm recording them and am going to make a bible/diary of my own.

I hope she doesn't have the sense or time to do the same, at least hopefully that way it'll give me an upper hand though to speak.

I'm being ultra reasonable so hopefully this will work