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Hello all
I will try and keep my story as brief as possible but like so many on here, it is complicated and very very messy!!!
My ex and I were together for just short of three years, meeting just before my 19th birthday and a few months shy of her 20th. I studied at university and she worked mixture of full and part time jobs.
Out of the blue she told me she was pregnant and explained that she had been taking some medication on top of her pill which is how it happened. Our son Harvey was born the night before the first of my finals and is now 8 years old. We split up approx five months later. She remained in North Yorkshire and I was accepted for a job in London that I applied for some time before she was pregnant. After getting rogered by the CSA who were charging me more than I earned before deductions, things settled down and although I was always given a very frosty reception, I travelled to see my son from the Friday to Sunday every month and had him stay over with me at my parents, something which I have been doing up until yesterday!
She once tried to stop me seeing him which was quickly sorted with a letter from my solicitor, never explained and things actually improved, she met a guy and they had a daughter very quickly after meeting. Approx 18 months ago I got a call from her stating that two weeks prior she split up from her boyfriend and had moved from North Yorkshire to Leicestershire and would be living in her fathers farmhouse for evermore! We had spoken a number of times during that two weeks and she "forgot" to tell me that she had moved. Three months later her father told her he was getting rid of the farmhouse, renting something smaller and she would have to leave. This made her homeless, as the council house she was living in up north was given up voluntarily, she could simply not get a new one. I found out after the event that my son had been living in some sort of bail hostel and sleeping on peoples floors for the best part of a month while the council found her a new home!
A temporary home was granted and they have lived in it for a year, Harvey liked the area and his school and all was well again. About 8 weeks ago my ex informed me that she was "thinking" about moving to West Berkshire where she has an aunt who does childminding and she could get a job with her. Knowing my ex like I do "thinking" about it means its a done deal and I am moving very soon. Behold my surprise when she set off for the promised land of West Berkshire yesterday.
My problem is this....
Throughout the last eight years I have tried my very best to ensure that I see Harvey as much as I can and that he gets as much out of life as possible. Every time I pick him up he is filthy, in dirty unwashed, unironed clothes. The amount of times I have had to make emergency trips to buy clothing because she has not packed anything despite telling me she has would run into the hundreds. I think it is done deliberately to either get more clothing out of me or through lazyness. On top of the hundreds of pounds a month, I buy his shoes, trainers, coats etc as she never has any money. Even my mum spends a small fortune on clothing for him. Many of the clothes are never seen again and my son has told me that he is told to iron his own clothing by his mother, something she denies. She is often asleep or having a "lie in??!!" when I arrive to pick him up or simply cannot be bothered to come and speak to me unless she wants something, so I have a chat with her ex who always seems to be there. I have calculated that along with my parents who have Harvey every other weekend, and her ex who has him on the other weekends, she actually has her kids on a monday, tuesday and friday up until tea time, with them either being cared for by myself, my parents or her ex.
I hope she does make a go of it at her new home, for her sake and the kids sake as she simply has no other family to turn to now. She no longer sees her father, her mother is re married and she never sees her anymore and she seems to have fallen out with the rest. I however think there is a real danger that it will end in tears, as her move to Leicestershire did. I will not see Harvey homeless or in a hostel again and being moved around the UK to suit his mothers whims. He has told me he is dreading moving. Slowly he is becoming more and more screwed up and confused, which I cannot allow to happen.
I am 29 now, married to someone who adores Harvey and he loves her to bits and makes the journey to see him too, have a good job, own my own home and have just got parental responsibility.
If her move does end in tears, would I stand a chance in gaining a residential order based on the fact that the moving around, the fact that she would be in emergency accomodation again is having a massive effect on Harvey and cannot provide a permament home for him?
To give you an idea of how she operates, only yesterday she has just asked me if I can give her £500.00 to go on a girls holiday as her ex wont give her it. She proudly told me that she would pay me back by not having me pay Harvey's maintainance money and her tax benefits for a couple of months!
I cant see him go through that again, and no, I did not give her the money!!!
Sorry it was such a long one!
Adam - recently joined, great site.
Hi Adam
It would be great to get you some free legal advice from our legal partners to see what they think, we will send them a link to this thread but it will take them a few working days to respond.
However if you consider your son to be in any degree of harm then you should call social services and advise them of these concerns.
We will get our legal experts to comment.
I agree with the above - if you are thinking of going for residency, then a report from social services would be a great help to your case. Chances are, when you begin your case, Cafcass will also be involved and their report would greatly influence the court. Sounds to me like it's well worth persuing. At the very least, if social services are involved, your ex would know she is being watched and that may improve conditions for your son. Also, let Social Services know that you would love to have your son live with you - generally, they don't like to take a child away from the parent and put him/her into care if they can help it, but if there is an alternative parent who can provide a good home, then it may sway them in their decisions.
Dear Addy178,
Thank you for contacting the Children’s Legal Centre, an independent charity concerned with law and policy affecting children and young people.
As a parent you do have the option of making any application to court regarding your son if you feel it is appropriate to do so.
There are no laws preventing the mother from moving around the United Kingdom as she wishes, and she is legally able to do this without gaining your consent or giving you specific details of where she will be going. Your consent is only required if the mother chooses to move abroad, and then only if you have parental responsibility.
However, you have the option of applying to court a residence order to ask for your son to live with you.
You can apply for this order yourself and represent yourself in court or you are able to use a solicitor, whichever you prefer.
If you choose to apply for a Residence Order then the court would look at all the circumstances and both you and the mother will get a chance to present your views. The court may also appoint a CAFCASS officer to speak with your child and submit a report.
Your child’s opinion would be considered, however it is not the overriding consideration and is considered only in light of his age, maturity and understanding of the situation. Usually a child’s opinion only begins to hold any real weight from approximately 12 or 13 years old and above.
The court is generally quite reluctant to change a child’s residence unless there are substantial reasons for this. It will be for the court to decide based on your individual circumstances whether your son’s residence should be changed, and it will be only if this is thought to be in your son’s best interests.
If you have concerns regarding your child’s care, then you are able to report these to the social services in the area in which your son is currently living. The social services will decide from what you tell them whether to look into this matter, and if they do they will then decide whether further action is required.
It is quite rare that the social services will remove a child from a parent unless there is serious reason to believe that the child is at risk of suffering significant harm at home. You can voice your concerns to social services and it will be for them to decide if there is enough reason for them to become involved.
If the social services feel that there is a risk of significant harm, they will generally try to work with the parent in the first instance to resolve this, and removal of a child is a last resort. You can explain to the social services that you would like your child to live with you, however this will not be a consideration in their investigation (should they feel the need to do one) and would only be considered in the event of your child being removed from the mother as it is not for social services to decide which parent a child should live with, this is the courts decision.
If you wish to make an application to court for residence without using a solicitor, you can download the relevant forms from www.hmcs.gov.uk . The forms you require are form C100, CB1 and CB3. The C100 is your application, and the other forms are guidance on the court process and serving papers on the mother.
When the application is filed at the Family Proceedings Court there is a fee of £175.
There is a lot of information on acting as a Litigant in Person available at www.elc.org.uk under the law and UK court system sections.
We hope this information is useful to you. Should you require further advice or assistance please contact the Child Law Advice Line on 0808 8020 008 and an advisor will be happy to help you.
Kind Regards
Children’s Legal Centre
One question, as I can't see it in the above information, but is there a residence order in favour of your ex, or was it simply an informal arragement?
It was simply an informal arrangement. We have never had to go to court or even seek legal advice regarding Harvey apart from the small skirmish I mentioned in my "story". I think realistically I may have to wait until he says he wants to live with me. It could happen and he asks more and more questions about where I live and where he lives each time I see him. I think this will be a couple of years down the road though.
One quick update is that the partner who became an ex partner who then got back together with her is now split from her and she has moved without him. Surprise surpise!!!!
That is one chap I do feel sorry for, despite the occasional cold shoulder I got from him, he cannot drive, has no money and will not be able to see his daughter now that she has moved.
Thanks for the advice everyone
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