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Dumped 6 days ago, ...
 
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[Solved] Dumped 6 days ago, I've lost half a stone already


Posts: 3
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Topic starter
(@PaganPen)
Active Member
Joined: 12 years ago

Dear all,

Its sad to read everyone's tales, and its sad to be in the middle of one right now. Last weekend as I was pouring over plans of a house that our family might build, it was obviously the trigger for a bit of honesty from my wife. There will be no house, I'm leaving you for another man I've met. S**T - the sledgehammer blow and I've been up and down through despair, sadness, depression, rage, bewilderment.. you name it I've felt it over the last 6 days.
Its really hard to think clearly under these circumstances, your instinct is to want to run and get some space, but with two fantastic young boys to look after that's not an option.

Its hard for me as I've been the primary care giver and have fitted my self-employed work around looking after the boys. My wife is away an awful lot of the time working long hours and then off on shoots. Now I've got to up my financial game immediately or face some serious consequences. I'm trying to write CVs whilst really wanting to do anything but. We live in a small house, in a nice place though. I've asked her to move out, its impossible having her sleeping downstairs while I'm pacing our room wondering what the [censored] happened. And furthermore her new man is a multimillionaire - in the words of Caroline Ahearn (Mrs Merton) to Debbie McGee, what first attracted you to the millionaire xxxxxxxxxxxxx.

I was sort of coming round to a level of coping and then she announces that her new man will be buying a palatial house nearby so she can look after the kids - second sledge hammer. I'm reeling. What kind of man splashes 1.6million on a woman he's known a couple of weeks? I start to get paranoid - is she pregnant? Her best friend assures me she is not, but I'm still not utterly convinced.

The worst thing is your shattered dreams for your children. I come from divorced parents, didn't see my own dad much and hated my step dad. My major number one priority was to keep my family together and give those kids loads of their dad. But its just not up to one of us is it? Ultimately you have almost no control over your wife's decisions.

We had planned to break the news gently to the kids tomorrow, and soften the blow - mum and dad have decided to spend more time apart, that kind of thing. But now this evening I find out she's out with her new man in the most expensive hotel in town for a night of fun no doubt. How can I let her get away with it? I'm desperate to tell the kids the truth, but if that's hurtful then I shouldn't... what the [censored] do I do???

10 Replies
10 Replies
 actd
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(@dadmod4)
Joined: 15 years ago

Illustrious Member
Posts: 11892

Hi

I'll move this post into the legal section at some point, but reply here first.

That's one [censored] of a shock in such a short time. I can understand that you don't want to let her get away with it, but what you mustn't do (and I'm sure you know this really) is to drag your son's into the middle of it, or use them as a way to get back at your ex. Losing half a stone isn't surprising - you are probably not eating properly, so you need to start looking after yourself.

Being the primary carer, I would have said that you should be keeping the children, but if your ex's new boyfriend is prepared to throw money at your ex, then I fear that you could end up self representing against a top lawyer. It's grossly unfair, but I think at the moment you need to look at your options. The fact that your ex is looking to buy a house nearby implies that she is intending to be fair with contact, so I would say that your first act is to sit down with your ex and try to work out what is best possible for your sons and you, rather than let it get messy in court. If necessary, use a mediation service.

If your sons do do to live with your ex, you will be liable for maintenance under the new scheme based on gross income - listed below. Your ex may say she doesn't want/need maintenance, but she can change her mind at any time, so assume that she will when splitting the house etc - if she doesn't take maintenance, then pay it into a savings account for when your children are older.

One thing that occurs to me - your ex's boyfriend might think it's all wonderful now, but may not realise the impact of suddenly living permanently with a new woman and her children, so be prepared for the consequences if it doesn't work out.

1. Calculate gross income

2. For gross income of up to and including £800 per week, child support is payable at the following rates:

a. 12% for one child;
b. 16% for two children; and
c. 19% for three or more children.

3. For gross income of £800 to £3,000 per week, child support is payable at the following rates:

a. 9% for one child
b. 12% for two children; and
c. 15% for three or more children.

4. Make a deduction for other children living in the non-resident parent's household (for example, children of a new partner or step-children) at the following rates:

a. 11% for one child;
b. 14% for two children; and
c. 16% for three or more children.

5. Apply any reduction for shared care:

a. 1/7th for 52 -103 night
b. 2/7th for 104 – 155 nights
c. 3/7th for 156 – 174 nights
d. ½ for 175 or more night

Note that if there is truly equal shared care, no child maintenance is payable. (see Regulation 50 if the Child Support Maintenance Calculation Regulations 2012). However, if one parent receives child benefit then there is a rebuttable presumption that that parent is providing care for the child and should receive child maintenance.

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(@Goonerplum)
Joined: 15 years ago

Noble Member
Posts: 1855

PaganPen,

How are you doing? I would imagine that you are still reeling - emotions all over the place?

Did you break the news to the kids? How did that go? How old are your boys?

Did this all come completely out of the blue?

I would echo what actd has said -

I can understand that you don't want to let her get away with it, but what you mustn't do (and I'm sure you know this really) is to drag your son's into the middle of it, or use them as a way to get back at your ex.

Keep the boys out of it, it's tough enough being caught in the middle when parents are trying to shield their kids as much as possible from the separation.

If you would like help sorting out a plan for what to do next then check out the DAD coaching service here

We have a lot of helpful information about dealing with separation here.
And there is also a webapp called sorting out separation.

Keep talking - we here to help, if we can, with your questions and also if you just want somewhere to vent.

Gooner

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(@PaganPen)
Joined: 12 years ago

Active Member
Posts: 3

Thanks for all the comments.
Breaking it to the boys was very very hard, and my wife ran away from it, leaving me to break it alone. I was incredibly gentle on my wife to the boys, saying it wasn't her fault, it was an accident etc But this plays out over months and years not just one awful day. I did manage to persuade her back and speak to them thanks God. They are my primary concern, and I am determined to keep custody.

She is the one who had the affair, and a previous affair before that, so there is the grounds for divorce. At the moment she is saying joint custody - although that doesn't really exist. You have the kids 'residence' which is basically custody and then access for the parent not in the family home. She is the one currently moving out of the family home.

Her boyfriend is buying a five bedroom house nearby, which makes me a little suspicious. I know he's rich, but why all the bedrooms unless they actually plan to build a family home. I have to be prepared incase he has already taken legal advice and discovered this is a good tactic - build a family home, entice the kids to live there half the time, then a year later, there's a custody battle and I've given away my rights just by being reasonable, suddenly I'm the one seeking access, and they all move back to London where he works.
So tomorrow I'm secretly going to seek legal advice and intend to establish custody as quickly as possible. I'm more than happy to have her spend plenty of time with the kids, but I have to secure my position. I have been primary carer, she has not spent a lot of time with the family, and she has had the affairs. There is a lot of strength on my side. But if I let my natural reasonableness take over, I might find myself losing out big time later on. After all, I know my wife is an accomplished liar, so why would she suddenly be honest now?
Gooner - with Dad Coaching does it cover Scottish law as well?
acdt - you are right, they have only known each other a very short time, it may not work out. However i think he is also after his own 'heirs' (he's an aristocrat) so I think the game plan could be to get my wife breeding soon - whether she realises this or not. He's already paying for her to take a break from work for three months, we could get to the end of that 3 months and he encourages her to stay off work and make his home, stop taking the pill and hopefully he gets his next in line (God don't you love the British aristocracy).
This is all hypothetical, and maybe they're both just dumb and excited by a new relationship, but my experience of aristocrats is that they are under pressure from the family to do certain things like get breeding.
I think I have to take advice and possible action. We'll see how tomorrow with the lawyer goes.
Thanks all

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(@vinny72)
Joined: 12 years ago

Trusted Member
Posts: 56

hi sorry to [censored] i but is this the new rates if so when do they come into affect seem to be more reliastic its gone from 25% to 16% if im reading it right

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(@lifeneedsharmony)
Joined: 12 years ago

Honorable Member
Posts: 355

Hey buddy,

from the point of view of separation I hear you and feel every once of your pain. I was there three years ago when my wife just announced that my bags were packed. No reason for it. This was a saturday and the following wednesday was the last time i ever saw her again. separation is a pain that cannot be described especially if you know in your heart that you are the innocent one.

Sadly, you've got it extra hard as you have two lads to also consider and be strong for. That I'm sure will be instinct kicking in there for you.

The pain of separation does ease in time and allow yourself to grieve as its the same as a death in the family. Don't be hard on yourself and defiantly allow yourself to embrace all the emotions you get. That for me was a huge help. Try where possible to put out of your mind about her house and what she might be planning for her future. As hard as it sounds, you have a new future and its your future with your two lads that matters now.

If you feel that you cant think straight go and visit your GP and get some anti depressants. I am on them and I can assure you it was the best move of my life. I could think much clearer and slept better too. They are not a miracle drug and they wont "pick you up" when your down but my goodness you can definitely see things better in your mind and therefor any decisions you ultimately make wont be clouded!

I met someone else inside of 6 months after my separation and after two years she fell pregnant with our son. I called it off with her. I love my son more than life itself yet i still have huge issues with his mother.

I hope this helps

John

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(@az546)
Joined: 12 years ago

Active Member
Posts: 13

I guess there are so many things to think about right now and there all really big questions
on top of emotions and the obvious anger you must have.

SO

I reckon a few keys things to start

1. Get your close friends around you
2. Get a free half hour solicitor consult to explain what options you have.
3. Get said close friends round to the house to help share half a bottle of something strong and chat. (half bottle only)
4. See point 1 rinse and repeat until you have all the options covered & game plan.

People who drive big fancy cars with lots of money usually are making up for something else they are lacking
examples not excluding Small [censored] / [censored] Hole syndrome / up my own [censored] syndrome / full of [censored] / Bag of [censored]
anything with [censored] in the title
HER LOSS your gain thats how i see it. 🙂
Just so you know >>>>>>>> i like southern comfort with ice 🙂

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 actd
Registered
(@dadmod4)
Joined: 15 years ago

Illustrious Member
Posts: 11892

There's one other very unorthodox tip if you are getting divorced - get a free 30 minute consultation with every decent divorce lawyer in the area - that way they are barred from acting for your ex 😆

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(@lifeneedsharmony)
Joined: 12 years ago

Honorable Member
Posts: 355

I like that....... Why did I not think of that myself three years ago!?

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(@PaganPen)
Joined: 12 years ago

Active Member
Posts: 3

I like that! Unfortunately this is Scotland and not every firm offers that free initial consultation, at least I can strike off those that do, and get some advice into the bargain.

Some good points - but in a way I have to consider the new guy and his big house. If my wife stands to be part owner of that house, or she stands to benefit materially from him, it actually becomes part of the financial equation of settlement. Its like winning the lottery after separation - the partner still has a claim on it, even if the separation agreement has been signed off.

I'm a bit calmer now, and just trying to concentrate on getting the nuts and bolts sorted, making sure I've got some regular income, as being primary carer I was only doing bits here and there before. So its CV writing time, using every connection I can think of.. Just hope that pays off soon, it'll make me feel a lot more secure.

cheers y'all

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(@DadTalk)
Joined: 12 years ago

Eminent Member
Posts: 29

Sorry to hear your story mate. I have been through something similar this year and the pain and confusion is something words just can't describe. Be kind to yourself. Don't blame yourself for the break up. When someone is deep in an affair, everything else comes second and their affair bubble is all that matters. Use this time to get yourself in a stronger position. Foook how rich this other d1ckhead is. If he's willing to destroy a family to carry on his fantasy, let them - it will all blow up both their faces.

Now, money does matter but if this ends up in court then in that moment in front of a judge, it's a level playing ground. Do not underestimate how favourable it is for you to remain in the family home. This is your trump card and no matter how much money you’re up against you will have a real fighting chance. Keep your nose clean over the next few months as like most of these situations it's only a matter of time before she will totally turn against you. I hope not. Be kind and reasonable always to her.

Do not delay going to the doctors and getting help mate, the next few months will be [censored] and it's taken me 9 months just to get my life back to any sort of normality. Break away from her emotionally and just focus on you and the children.

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