Hi so split from ex nearly A year ago after 7 years. She was abusive ( slaps kicks punched a few times plate thrown at me and would lock me in the house if i tried to leave. sometime with our boy in the same room) but never laid a hand on son. She also self harmed never bad was attention seeking and to hurt me have txt where she admits this never went to police because i loved her and wanted to fix it. I would have went for residency back then but 3 weeks after split found out i had cancer ( found out same day she told me she slept with a new guy. Told me as payback when i told her to stop bad mouthing me to our boy) im finished all treatment now just check ups every 3 months.
My son is 5 now starting school at end of year. I have him over night wed the for t on thur till 7. We alternate a night at weekend till half 4 next day. She live in a house we own but is going on the market ( she agreed to this 3 months after split then done nothing. had to go to solicitors and is now saying im forcing her and son out making them homeless. While getting treatment i continued to pay half the mortgage even tho i was only working 4 days a week due to doc appointments. I paid mortgage for 6 months on top of child support half nursery fees and my own rent and bills. It left me in alot of debt and need my money from the house to fix it or i would be happy for them to stay.
Whole time i have been asking for 50/50 custody which she refused ( was to much to go to court while ill) now she want to move away to live with her bf when the house sells. It is 70 miles away i dont drive. This move will take him away from me and destroy our current contact and prob more then half it. It also moves him away from all his family both sides live in this town or just outside. He will prob have started school by this time too and the move is further away from her work then here so not for work. It is all just about her living with her bf no concern for our son.
I feel if she chooses to do this it is her choice and the sacrifices should be made by her not me and deff not our son. If i go to court using my points above as it isnt in my opinion that this is in our sons best interest. What are my chances of winning ? What do i need in terms of proof for the courts ? Any pointers anyone can give ?
Much appreciated
Hi there
You've certainly been through the mill in the last year, it's great that you are in recovery now and I would imagine it gives you a whole different outlook on life.
Whilst her abusive behaviour must have been awful for you I'm not sure it will carry much weight if you took this to court as its in the past and might be considered as historic.
It really difficult to predict what the outcome might be if you tried to stop her moving, the courts are loathe to stop people's free movement though, so you would need a really good case to succeed.
Your first step would have to be mediation before you could apply to court anyway, so this should be your first step.
Best of luck
Just in case you're wondering, I deleted your duplicate thread for you.
Hi thanks yeh deff changed how i look at things and made me alot less scared of things too
. I have asked for mediation she refused. Im going to ask my solicitor to send a letter but she always take about 2 months to reply comes out with all sorts of excuses then avoids the important parts of the letter so i end up having to write back asking the same questions. Between the hitting and self harming and being unwilling to get any help for these matters could i not push that she isnt mentally stable.
Id rather not go for residency not that i dont want my son just that i dont want to take him away from her because they do love each other alot but its not in his best interests to move but if she wants to move she can just not to expect to take my son away. I would rather it was 50/50 and fair on all 3 of us but she wont listen to that My son already says he want to live with me but is too young to really know.
Alot of what she does is out of spite and anger. If i say or do something she doesnt like i get threats of cutting my time or told i wont be smug when she moves him away. I ll hold my hands up and say we have both said and done some horrible things but she wont admit to any wrong doing.
Its very hard just now and im always stressed about it not a min goes by where im not thinking of my son. If i dont win i have made it very clear that where ever she moves my son i will move to and i will still be after 50/50. so if its to get away from me it wont work but that means finding a new home and job. Also means leaving everyone i know and moving somewhere i know nobody and if she treats this new man the way she did me ( didnt start till we moved in together) then she ll end up moving back home once hes had enough.
I just dont know what to do and feel if it was me that had hit her and was self harming it would be taken alot more seriously. I wish i had done more at the start but with being ill i didnt know what was going to happen to me. I didnt even know if id be alive.So didnt feel i could try to get custody.
Just so u can see how bad she could be when i did eventually tell her about cancer she didnt think it was true till my dad mentioned it to hers then took the [censored] about it and told me that our boy would be better off without me. Nice ah ? Dont know why i stayed with her so long but when your in love you do stupid things and dont see the truth.
It's better to get mediation started by attending and leave it up to the mediator to contact her and ask her to attend. That way there's a time frame, if after a couple of weeks she ignores the mediators request, or refuses, the mediator will sign the form to enable you to apply to court. There's no need to have solicitors write to her, just go straight to mediation yourself, here's a link
www.nfm.org.uk
The trouble with pushing the mental instability point is that there's no proof, you said in your previous post that none of it was reported, you haven't raised any concerns with any outside agencies and as I said, the court may well consider it is in the past. Courts want to move things forward and want to see parents put the past behind them and do what is right for the child. You say that you don't want to take your son away from his mum as they love each other a lot so what would be the point in raking up the past and making your relationship with her even more strained....the one to suffer the most when this happens is the child in the middle of it all.
The house isn't sold yet, try not to worry about things that haven't happened and channel your focus into trying to sort things out. Mediation might help you both understand how the other feels, if not then you've ticked the mediation box and are free to take it to court.
We will do all we can to support and advise you whatever you decide.
All the best.
The only proof i would have would be txts where i asked her if she thought everything she done was ok ( i put each point in them) and she admitted to it all saying no it wasnt but i deserved it ( no one deserves that). I get that bringing this all up would hurt my son but i think moving away from everyone and destroying my contact would be worse for him.
I dont think we will ever get things sorted she holds on to grudge And can be very spiteful. Still has grudges with people over things that happened at school shes 28 now and should have let them go by now.
I have asked her to explain why it would be good for our son but all i get is this towns a s*#t hole ( its not i grew up in a town much worse) and she needs a life too which i get but not at the expense of our son.
Thank you i appreciate the support and will keep you informed of what happens.
I also wrote her a letter explaining how i felt and asking her to try to look at it from where i stand i can understand she wants to live with her bf but it shouldnt come at my son and mines expense. I wrote it because we cant talk about it with out it being an argument or her flat out refusing to even discuss it. At one point she said she wont discuss it till after she move and then she will decide how it works.
I dont think thats how it should work we are both his parents and we both have a right and responsabillity to make these choices together.
....moving away would hurt him too I know, but sometimes one parent has to be the bigger person....nothing fair about it though!
Look if she is moving away to spite you and you can show that she uses it against you then that would work in your favour. If you bought it to court as a Prohibited Steps Order as well as Child Arrangements Order then at least she would have to show that she has planned for the move, that the accommodation is suitable and she has looked in depth at the schools etc. any move would have to be planned and if the court thought it would not be in a child best interests then they would oppose it.
I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't point out the pitfalls , any court action should always be the very last resort because it puts so much strain on all concerned.