Hi everyone.
Just wondering if there were any experienced people on here to give advice on how to deal with my ex partner who is making seeing my 5 year old daughter as difficult as possible. We've been separated for over 2 years now and she's still using child access as a weapon as she knows it's the only thing she can use to hurt me.
The first year I got nothing as soon as I got with someone else. I was told I couldn't come to the house but also said she'd heard from someone that I'd used my phone while driving (which is made up) so I couldn't pick her up to take her anywhere. This was clearly an act of anger/jealousy to on her part as up until her finding out I was with someone else I was picking up my daughter to take her to dance class every Saturday and nothing was said. Then the same night she found I was in a new relationship apparently all these allegations had been made. I was told I was not to introduce my daughter to my partner until we'd been together for at least a year as she didn't want her getting to know someone to then break up in a few months.
Then after maybe 6-7 months of not being able to see her at all I was told she'd take her to my dad's to see her there. This was just a plan to get in my ear as about 10 mins into being there I was told to go in the kitchen to talk to her while my dad watched my daughter. She threw a load of abuse at me and even threatened me with "wait until I tell your girlfriend I f****d you today" which didn't bother me because I knew she'd know I'd never go back there after what had happened with my daughter up until that point.
Those 'access meetings' at my dad's happened for a couple more times then out of the blue I was told I could come pick her up and have her from 12:30 - 6pm. Not very long considering I'd moved from Sheffield to Cambridge and had to drive up there every other weekend for it. But I did it anyway as seeing my daughter was worth the trip. I found out later that around the time this new arrangement suddenly appeared, my ex had got in a new relationship herself. I then got nuggets of information from my daughter after them being together for maybe a month. She told me they stay at his house overnight. Talk about double standards.
I confronted my ex about it and she confirmed the story, bold as brass claiming "she'll never stay at yours. Not in 6 months, a year or 5 years".
Then she changed the terms again, claiming she's got to be back by 5 now not 6. So I drive a 5 hour round trip to see my daughter for 4 and a half hours.
Did as she asked again as I'm always told if I don't do as she says, I won't see her again. Now the last few times she's found a new way to stop me seeing her.
4 weeks ago she had her nephew at the house and had arranged (on loud speaker with my daughter in the car so she could hear everything) to go to a country park with him and her sister... All day on my Saturday. I was then told she didn't want to come with me because she wanted to go with them. I eventually convinced her to come with me after an hour of talking to her outside my ex's house. Within 10 mins I was accused of emotional blackmail and all sorts.
2 weeks ago my Saturday came around again. I drove up to Sheffield, sitting in a 2 hour accident tailback on the A1 on the way up there to be told she didn't want to come because my ex's brother was there this time with his son and daughter and she wanted to play with them. So I had a 7 hour round trip for a 5 min conversation on the front that time.
This weekend the same happened again. Her OTHER brother was going out Friday night so she had their kid Friday night through Saturday. I was told not to even bother driving up this time because she'd apparently asked my daughter if she wanted to go with me and she'd said she wants to stay and play AGAIN.
I really don't know what to do about it all. I don't have the money to take her to court but unless I do, she's constantly holding all the cards. It's affecting my mental health and I'd imagine it's not really going to be good for a 5 year olds head either.
She seems to have found a good way of stopping her coming with me now with the having kids come on my Saturday as she's done it the last 3 times.
I mentioned it and I was told "I'm not going to stop having a relationship with my family to benefit you". I said she had 13 and a half days out of the 14 to have a relationship with her family to which she responded "not that I have to explain myself to you but 10 of those 13 and a half days I'm working and your daughter is at school".
She's completely unhinged and I don't think she'll stop as long as this is working.
Please someone help!!
hi,
it seems this behaviour will not stop and probably get worse unless you take the legal route. You do not need a lawyer and spend huge amounts of money. You can self-represent. before applying to court, you need to attend mediation. You can book a MIAM mediation appointment for yourself only. this costs about £100. You can try Mediateuk. have used them in past. If they decide their is no point in inviting your ex for mediation. they will give you permission to apply to court. court application costs £232.
As Bill said, court is your only option. If you leave it down to your ex to make decisions you won't get anything suitable. You can do this without a solicitor, there are alternatives and plenty of people on here have self represented and will give you advice. It will be a long process, but take it to court and get some suitable contact arranged.
Ring the police. What she is doing is illegal and a coercive and controlling behaviour as per the new domestic abuse act 2021.
"using children to control their victim, for example, threatening to take the children away"
"Alienating behaviours...any attempt by one parent to frustrate or limit the childs contact with the other parent, other than for reasons based on concern about risk to that child".
Hello as said above you need to apply to the courts ASAP. I’ve been through exactly the same things from my ex, she still tries to control everything now. I had a solicitor the first time in court, but since then I’ve been back to court twice for additional add on’s to the arrangement I was given and both times represented myself and both times I got what I wanted, it was a lot easier than I thought.
Keep notes of everything, times dates, broken contact, what’s she says, texts, emails etc. During the court process you will be asked to submit a statement, which is where you can have your say about the problems you are having seeing your child. What she is doing is parent alienation. The courts want fathers to be present.
mediation is part of the C100 court form /process, but you can find one that will talk just to you and sign off the form for you.
Once you have you court ordered child arrangement, she can not break the order, as you can then report her back to the courts.I know this horrible for you, but well done on not walking away from your child. Going to court will be well worth it and there is a lot of support on here for you.
keep in touch
If you are on the brith certificate you have parental responsibility. You are entitled to school reports etc. If you are not in contact with your daughter's school, then I suggest you do so. You can talk to them about the problem too, so that if they have any concerns they can do a referral to social services.
