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Hello everyone,
I have just joined this website after enquiring about fathers' rights help lines on 118 118. I have a major problem that is severely affecting my life and the life of my family. I am hoping someone with more experience in this department would be able to help me.
I have a son, aged 2 named Tyler, whom lives with his mother in Sydney, Australia. I on the other hand live in London, UK. His mother and I were together many years ago, and to cut a long story short, upon the week of our expected break-up in which we planned to go our separate ways, she very convieniently declared that she was in fact, pregnant. You draw your own conclusion.
After I made it clear that there was no future for us as a couple, his mother left London for her home country, Australia. I travelled to Sydney for Tyler's birth and stay for a few months. I went back to Sydney last year to see Tyler again and I plan to go again in December.
She has always been a very belligerent, cantankerous and bitter individual, always carrying a chip on her shoulder, and that's just for starters. Which is why we broke up. But that's a story for another day. And now things have just got way out of hand. My younger sister decided to travel to Sydney to see my son and spend a year working and living in Sydney. My son's mum agreed to put her up until she finds a job and a room to rent. I was instantly dubious of this agreement as I could foresee imminent upset and affliction.
I'll cut to the chase...
Three weeks into my sisters trip, couch surfing at my son's mothers flat she has decided to come home due to a hellish three weeks being constantly bullied and put down. She is old enough to deal with this but what my concern is however, is the way she treats my son.
According to my sister, the bitterness still remains and evidently, she is now taking it out on my son. She mistreats him on a daily basis, shouting at him and calling him names. He is only 2 for goodness sake. She persistently leaves the apartment on a nightly basis to go drinking and to meet her current boyfriend, strolling back in the early hours of the morning, too drunk to wake up to him in the mornings. Thanks goodness my sister is there to wake up with him in the mornings.
She is a very bitter and twisted individual whom strives to compete with everyone and anyone and when not getting her own way uncovers her true identity and her very short fuse. The reports I have received from my sister have devastated me how she shows absolutely no love or affection to my son. She was never a compassionate person in the slightest, and during our relationship I felt very unloved, and I do not want my son growing up feeling the same anguish.
She screams at him to stand in the corner when he has done something wrong when he is begging to be consoled and in floods of tears. I'm not a parenting expert but is that normal? Surely a two year old does not deserve such harsh treatment? I am all for discipline, I am in total agreeance that lack of discipline is the main factor with ill-behaved children, but this amongst other forms of punishment she is practising seems somewhat draconian.
The only contact I or my family have with her is via Facebook. I stopped speaking to her in January after I returned home from Sydney prematurely due to her constant aggressive and petulant manner. My plans were to stay for 3 months, however I was forced to leave after just four weeks to avoid the torturous experience.
I speak to her family however on a regular basis, we get along famously and they are all well aware of my son's mothers' behaviour and attitude. My family have been planning the trip of a lifetime to go to meet their family and of course to see my son Tyler in December for Christmas. As a result of this recent and all too frequent episode, my sister, whom calls home in tears is on a flight back to London, after a shattered experience of Sydney. Thus being the second person to leave the country earlier than planned as a result of my son's mum and her ways.
Not only is my sister coming home now, my family are also dubious of spending almost £10,000 on a 3 week trip purely to see my son. I will not let my family go out there only to have a three week nightmare. I love my family too much and I will not let her destroy their chances of seeing my son, which is the reason for travelling. So all hopes of my family seeing him, which they are desperate to, have been shattered as well. This isn't fair. My family or I have never done a thing to her. We broke up a long time ago and she is still bitter about this.
I understand she is a single parent in essence, and I would love to go there to be with him and help her, but my life is here and I have nothing there. I would be foolish of me to get up and leave everything I have ever known to go to the other side of the planet only to be on the receiving end of her abuse day in day out. My long term plan is to move to Sydney to be with him, but I am not ready yet financially. Going to Sydney now is illogical as I would not be able to provide for him. Not to mention the fact I have nothing and no one out there apart from him. I would be seriously unhappy, leaving behind everything I know and everyone I love. Apart from Tyler of course. I travelled to Sydney last year for 3 months but had to come home after just 4 weeks as the abuse and bitterness towards me became just too much.
I know I have rights to him, although it is very difficult with us being so far apart. What I need to know is where I stand in bringing him to London as part of joint custody. Ideally I would gain complete custody but I know there is not a very good chance in this being the father, and living so far away from his mother, even though she hasn't a maternal bone in her body.
I would fly to get him and bring him back to London and then fly him back, regardless of the cost and if it uses up all my wages for a year. My family are a very loving and caring bunch, consequently producing myself and two sisters which all get along very well and all love each other immensely. He would get all the love and care he needs here in London and will grow up to be a well behaved and well educated young man.
I'm sorry for rambling on, truth be told I could write on all night. I'll stop here and ask the question...
How do I go about getting joint custody and bringing him back to London on a regular basis? I understand as he gets older and enrolled in school it would need to be during school holidays to avoid disrupting his education. Ideally I would achieve full custody, but do I have a leg to stand on? I can almost guarantee his life would be better here in London, receiving the love and care he needs and deserves, rather than a mother that has no maternal instinct, shouting at him constantly, going out almost every night drinking, spending all her money on make-up and clothes.
His mother did enrol in a parenting course but evidently it hasn't helped. She has tried, I'll give her that, but it doesn't hide the fact that she has major issues that will be passed on to Tyler. There is a history of bipolar in her family, including her mother (whom is a very nice lady) which I think his mother may have some links to. I am not an expert but I have never known someone so insecure, with such a short temper. Evidently as a result, she does seem to drink quite often, possibly to ease the illness. I'm not exaggerating, I do believe she does have a case of depression, which consequently leaves her unable to show any compassion, something I learned first hand years ago, and something I do not want my son to learn from her. As this will send him into a state of unwell-being.
Apologies once again for the extensive piece, I'm sure you all understand when such an issue involving someone you love arises you will probably have the tendency to go on to get the point across when in dire need of help concerning someone so precious as my son.
Please, if anyone has any information about my rights to some form of custody and bringing my son to London from Sydney, or full custody if you think I have the slightest chance of winning I would be forever grateful. I would collect my son tomorrow if I could have him, he would live with me and my family in happiness for as long as he wanted to stay. I would do anything and pay anything to get custody. But at the very least I need on paper a legal document stating I can have him in London for X amount of each year. Any help at all would be more than appreciated.
Yours sincerely,
Ben
Hi Ben
Man i really feel for you dude. I can't think how horrible it must be to be so far away from your son.
We will ask our legal partners over at the Childrens Legal Centre to log on and read your thread. They will give you some advice as to what you should do or can expect.
I'm kind of thinking however that as your son is living downunder you may need to talk to a lawyer who understands Aussie law.
Anyway lets see what the CLC come back with.
Great thank you Harvey's Dad, anything at all would help, any pointers or stepping stones towards the goal would be welcome.
It's unbelievably hard being so far away from him, seeing kids out and about that are around his age kills me. I have to have some form of custody. Being so far away means I can't have him at weekends. So I need to formally arrange something where I can fly out to collect him at least once a year.
Thanks again,
Ben
Dear Ben,
Thank you for contacting the Children’s Legal Centre, an independent charity concerned with law and policy affecting children and young people.
If your child is living in Sydney then he will be subject to the Australian laws, and not English laws.
In order to gain joint residence, you would have to apply to the Australian courts, using an Australian solicitor or a solicitor with expertise in Australian law and it would be for the court to decide whether or not this should be successful.
Generally, in England, a child’s residence is only changed if there is very good reason for the change, and residence or shared residence would not be granted to someone who wanted to remove the child from the country that they have become accustomed to without exceptional reason.
With regards to holidays in the UK, you can ask consent of the mother. If this is not allowed then it would again require a court application in Australia and the court would decide whether to allow this.
Much of the problem may be the age of your son and usually this would be a consideration when deciding whether it is appropriate to grant holidays and the court would also be required to consider whether there was any risk of abduction if the child was removed from Australia.
You would also be able to apply for a contact to the Australian court, at set times or intervals as is appropriate for you. This would be something that you should speak to an Australian solicitor about, but generally in England contact is granted unless there is a risk to the child as it is thought best for a child to see both parents.
If you are concerned about the way that the mother treats you child you have the option again of contacting an Australian solicitor. There is also information available regarding child abuse if you have these concerns at http://www.napcan.org.au .
At present, there is little that you can do from England, and it would be a matter of using the Australian laws in these circumstances.
Whether or not you choose to visit Australia will be for you and your family to decide. You are able to attempt to negotiate with the mother regarding this however the way she behaves towards your family is not something that can really be controlled.
Sorry we are unable to give you any further in depth advice on this matter however we are not able to advise on the law outside of England and Wales. If you require any further assistance please contact our Child Law Advice Line on 0808 8020 008 and an advisor will be happy to assist.
Kind Regards
Children’s Legal Centre
Hey don't know if this helps but i heard recently that in Aussie they work on a 50/50 basis where parents have equal rights to contact. You might want to check that out!
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