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Hi everyone!
I am new to the forums and in need of some advice on the matter below, of which I can hope you can share experiences or shed some light into my predicament.
I am recently divorced and have relocated to the other end of the UK for a new start with my new partner and also to be near the city to help grow my career and future job prospects.
As such we made the dififcult decision to leave Scotland and move to England near London and leave my two children with their mum, who are aged 6 and 2.
When I split up with my now ex wife, she agreed that she would "do everything in her power to ensure that I still keep in contact with my children" and this was fine, as I regularly get phone calls and Facetime them at least 3 or 4 times a week usually.
When my children have come down to stay with me, because of their ages, there isn't a way to get them here by plane or train on their own, so the best way to do it is for me to drive north and my ex to drive south and meet at a half way point to exchange the kids. I would take them back to my house and then they would spend a week or so living with me and my new partner and then we would do the long drive north again to give them back to their mum and of course, spend the next 5 hours in the car feeling rather solomn and down because it will be weeks before we get to see them again.
My problem has arisen in that now, since my ex now has a new partner on the scene who has all but practically moved in with her 3 or 4 nights a week, now refuses to drive to the halfway point because it is too much for her to do. She feels that she doesn't have to do this and that she finds it too hard to leave them and drive home north on her own or with her partner.
As such she has stated that she has contacted her solicitor about the matter and has said that she is not refusing me access to my kids, but if I want to see them, then I have to come all the way back up north to visit them or pick them up. If I were to pick them up, it would involve an overnight stay, 4 days of travel in total and in excess of £300 in fuel just to have my children for 4 days in England.
I don't think this is fair and would like to think that she could surely be amicable and meet me half way like before, but she refuses.
I pay my maintanence to my kids to the cost of over £300 per month, which is a large chunk of my monthly salary and I know how much she earns and gets in benefits and to say she isn't short is a bit of an understatement!
I need advice. Can I go to courts to plea my case? I have tried talking to her but she is refusing to budge on the matter. It is stressing me out because I love my children so much and really want to see them as much as I can but I simply can't afford to be travelling the distance all the way for a few short days with them. I moved to England to further my working career, so that I could provide for my kids when they are older and also to give myself a better standard of living and my new partner and I a fresh start but it just seems to me that my ex is being awkward for the sake of it because she has gone back on her word of "everything in her power".......
Can you give me some advice or help? I am in contact with a Scottish Family Law expert to see if there is anything that can be done but am awaiting a call back from them. I don't know if it is best going to the courts for this matter as it will cost me more money, but I don't see a resolution to this and am afraid I might just have to "suck it up" and bear the full cost.
Thanks in advance!
Hey Gman - welcome.
Is the move to London in terms of financial gain more than the costs of seeing the children? I appreciate you have to move on with your life. I guess it depends how you want to prioritise matters.
How often were you seeing them before and how often are you able to see them now?
I am not sure you can make her bring the kids down - if you did go down the court route (trust me everyone on here would say ideally avoid it) you can highlight the change in her circumstances means she is no longer putting the kids needs first but it doesnt mean she would be asked to do this anyway.
Good luck
You're right Boycie, this is a grey area...there are no guarantees that going to court would solve your situation...she will say that it was your choice to move so far away and therefore the consequences are your responsibility. The length of travelling time for such young children might also be an issue if you go to court and you might find that the courts sympathies might lie with the mother and children.
Have you thought of using Mediation to try and resolve the problem? It is considered the first step in negotiations as far as contact with children is concerned, and the court will expect this to have been attempted before an application is made to the court. Hers a link, although I'm not completely sure that this website is applicable in Scotland.
www.nfm.org.uk .....I was right this website doesn't cover Scotland...here's the correct link
www.scottishmediation.org.uk
...it's advisable to attend at a mediation centre that is nearest to the resident parent, as this prevents excuses of it being too far away for them to get there because of the children.
If you pay maintenance through the CSA you will be entitled to a reduction of the amount you pay for travelling expenses, I know this will be little consolation though.
Hi gman
I'm with the others in that I have doubts about whether you would succeed in achieving anything through the courts, and if you were to lose, your ex might feel inclined to be even less amenable. Is it worth considering fewer visits, but for longer each time - that way your costs per visit are the same but there are fewer of them, and with longer visits, you can still have the same (or greater) number of days with them each year - assuming you can maintain Facetime etc with them.
As your ex is in Scotland, may be worth having a word with the Scottish Child Law centre - www.sclc.org.uk
Hi Guys - thanks for the quick replies - really appreciate it.
The move towards London was for furthering my career and also to get a fresh start in my life with my new partner as I feel alienated by "friends" who lived up north who have in short taken her side of the split and don't really have anything to do with me anymore. Where we lived, it was a small community and everyone knew everyones business and I don't realy like that hence our move south. With my job changing roles, I was also needed in London a lot so had little choice when it came to moving closer to the city. It was give up on the career opportunites or pursue them for a better standard of living.
I understand what you're all saying about it being my choice and I know from a legal perspective I'm pretty much screwed when it comes to getting her to meet me halfway. She's forced my hand on this one and as a result I'm making the 10 hour journey up north to see them at the start of next month, but I'm only able to make it for about 4-5 days. It's still better than nothing.
My main downside to this is that I was looking forward to having my kids down here with me in my house. As a result of her being difficult, my new partner, who is a big part in the kids lives now too, is not going to see them and she's really gutted about that. I know there will be other times though but it still doesn't stop her from being disappointed in not seeing them too.
I will look in to mediation. I feel that her priorities have changed since getting in tow with this new fella and I would like to think that if the situation was reversed and that I was the one with the children, getting all the benefits under the sun and child maintenance from her, that I would drive to the half way point and make the effort for the kids sake, not putting my own personal feelings before them.....
I think sadly she may have me over a barrel on this one. 🙁
How about looking into the possibility of flying up and spending a weekend, you might be able to get some good package deals with hotel included. That way your new partner can do the trip with you. I know this couldn't be done every weekend but perhaps it could be incorporated into the contact itinerary.
Looked in to that and the good thing is that my parents are up north so i can stay with them..... it's still cheaper taking the car to be honest as a flight up is about £100 return per person....(easyjet from Luton / Gatwick) I've even looked at the bus which is the cheapest but don't fancy an 18hr bus trip LOL
Coach might be worth the option if you can do it overnight, so you sleep on the coach and arrive in the morning - that way it's cheaper travel and you don't have to pay accommodation on that night - you just need to make sure you are well prepared for the journey.
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