[Solved] My Daughter wants to live with me.

Hi there,

Am I right in saying that your son is getting on for 13 now? What is his reaction to his sisters behaviour? How old is your daughter?Are there any safeguarding issues, is she being treated properly at home?

It's a tough call and I think it might be helpful if you were to try and open up a dialogue with the mother and daughter in a neutral place. Removing her forcibly from the car isn't a good situation for any of you and I can see how upsetting it must be for all concerned....it's likely to keep happening so it does need to be sorted out.

There are two options, you could try Mediation, they offer child inclusive sessions so perhaps you and the ex could talk about it and then include your daughter too. Here's a link

www.nfm.org.uk

The second option is Relate, they offer counselling which is also child inclusive and will help the whole family dynamic. Here's a link

www.relate.org

Hi,

Yes, my son is about 12 1/2 now. He says that he thinks it would be better for her to be with us. She fights with her step dad a lot, and with her mum too. He says it would be a bit calmer at home if she lived with us. To be honest, I'm not sure if her emotional needs are being met at home, but I don't think there are any safeguarding issues as such. My ex and her husband argue a lot anyway...sometimes about the children but sometimes about other things specific to them. The kids have mentioned hiding in the bathroom when the adults argue. Sometimes one of the adults gets in a car and drives off for a while. Can't be nice for the kids.

The complicating factor is distance. There's about 170 miles between me and the kids. Time and distance greatly restrict any attempts at getting together, along with my ex's unpleasant husband, who once invited me "outside".

Now, one part I didn't mention is that this weekend I had to drop off at Granny's house as mum was away for the weekend. Granny is lovely and much loved by the kids so no problems there. It was her that got my daughter out of the car and then dealt with the aftermath after I drove away.

I asked my ex today how she is. Apparently, I'm told, she seems fine. Granny has told mum all about what happened but my daughter hasn't mentioned it to her at all. I'm assuming that this is because she thinks her mum won't listen to her.

Somehow I'm not convinced by my ex's claims that she's fine....

It's a really difficult situation for you...have you talked to her school, is she displaying any behavioural problems there?

Abuse isn't just confined to physical issues, emotional and psychological abuse is also considered as damaging for a child and it does sound as if your daughter is suffering this.

Is Granny on the maternal side? Could you try and talk to her about it? She isn't always going to be around at drop off times is she....

If the situation continues, I think you will have to try and intervene, how about suggesting that your daughter stay with you for the whole of the summer holidays, the children break up soon. You could suggest that it's just a phase and when she sees that the grass isn't always greener on the other side she may be happier to return home after the summer break. It will give your daughter a breathing space, and you too whilst you consider the next step. 🙂

Yes, Granny can be very maternal to the kids, but is VERY close to my ex (her daughter) and can be a bit defensive towards my ex - especially as I left her. I don't know if she'll be very open with me, even in my ex's absence.

Yes I can see that as she is your ex's mum she would be protective. If the distress continues for her granddaughter though she may be able to put her loyalties for her daughter aside just a little in her grandchild's best interests....I know I would.

Best of luck with it all.

I spoke briefly to my ex last night. She's aware of what happened via her mum (Granny) but my daughter hasn't mentioned anything at all. I'm assuming that this is because she knows (or thinks) that her mum won't listen or take her seriously, so I suspect that this will sit dormant until the next time she visits me.

One thing I wonder is what your daughter is likely to do if she stays with her mum against her will - if things are becoming increasing unstable at the mothers house, there is the danger that your daughter might seek ways of escaping from the situation at home, and she's at a very vulnerable age. As NJ says above, Relate may be a very good option, but keep in regular contact with the school to make sure that no problems start to develop.

Your daughter is now, presumably about 11 - she's at an age where, if it came to a residence hearing, quite a bit of weight would be placed on her opinion, though a court would be hesitant about splitting her up from her brother.

I mention all of this because I think it may be getting to the stage where it should no longer just be your ex's decision alone.

Thanks Actd, you've summed up my feelings perfectly.

...The next time she is with you, if the same thing happens and she doesn't want to return home, then you might think about giving the police a call, explaining the situation and asking them what their position would be if you kept hold of your daughter. if you were married when your daughter was born then you have Parental Responsibility, you might find that the police wouldn't get involved. You would then have to apply to the court for a Residence Order and you could do that as an emergency because of the situation....its another option for you to consider.

I might add I don't advise this lightly as I think its always best to try and resolve problems amicably...but sometimes that just isn't possible. As actd says the situation for your daughter could escalate, and it could create emotional and psychological problems for her.

Thanks NJ,

I do worry about her running away or similar. A good friend of ours in a local bobby, so I'll ask him what the technicalities are.

thanks again.

Martin