I am almost ashamed to ask this question but I am at my wits end. I basically want to know what I can do next when mum does not want to play ball after a court order? I have 3 children with my ex 14, 12 & 10. The last two are on the Autistic Spectrum and have special needs.
Last year we went to court and an order was put in place granting me access every other weekend Friday evening to Sunday and half of the school holidays.
Because of my 2 youngest special needs, they are registered with the local authority's Disabled Children team. Mum has maintained they cannot cope with the access arrangements and yet when they are with me they are as happy as can be.
It cost me a lot of money to go to court to get the order and now since Easter mum is stating that the children do not want to come and is not willing to let them to. She states it causes her & the kids endless anguish dealing with both the run up to & the aftermath of their visits to me.
I have now not seen the children for overnights since then as going to the house and not getting them to mine was causing us all distress.
I pay maintenance and am more than willing to help out but mum is not so accommodating a fact the local authority are now coming to see. I have tried every combination of paying for mum's travel to drop them to mine as well as overnights for her in a local hotel (the kids are around 80 miles from me). All to no avail as she refuses to accommodate anything I suggest even with the local authority prodding her to do so. My problem is where do I go from here?
Yes, I have a court order but I cannot afford to go back to court to see that it is enforced. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? If so, how did you deal with it.
All of this is having an effect on my relationship with my current partner and I cannot keep going with the heartbreak of not seeing my children.
Many thanks in advance.
Hi . Write to her or text / email so you have a copy . Tell her she has one week to re instate your contact as per the court order or you will take her to court for breach of your order . As you already have the order in place I don’t see why it will cost you any more than the £215(?) to file . The rest you can do your self in court now you’ve already Been through it . Look at it another way , that money you kindly and selflessly offered to pay for the hotels that wasn’t taken up will soon cover the cost of application . You need to enforce the order and nip this behaviour in the bud now
City Dad,
Many thanks for your prompt reply.
I fear she will play on the fact that the 2 youngest have said no to coming to Dad's but a lot of that has to do with the pressure she puts them under.
This is exactly what I had today in court trying to get my son's passport for a planned summer holiday.
Now the children are older they have a voice, but no one takes you seriously if you say they are being influenced!
Its a difficult situation! in my experience children services are not interested or don't understand parental alienation and emotional/mental abuse.
Have you suggested and tried collecting them from school? I have this which I believe has helped over the past three years.
Good luck.
Puma931,
I have been more than accommodating and suggested:
1. Picking them up from school
2. Mum dropping them to me at my expense
3. Travel to drop them to me at my expense
4. Paying for overnight's
I feel your pain as I have been through it. At court, the judges and social services (via the Disabled Children Team) were more than satisfied that I was willing to accommodate their mum's wishes but in return she has not moved to accommodate either me or the children in maintaining regular contact.
It is so disheartening when I have female friends where the situation is the opposite and the fathers have no interest in their children. You get to a point where you wonder whether the whole court process was worth it.
Hi . I’d guess the wishes of the children would have maybe been ascertained when you were granted the court order in the 1st place . If your ex wants to change contact post an order she has to apply again . If she’s in breach she’s in breach and risks contempt of court and so on . You’ve been more than reasonable for the best for your kids . The only way to stop this behaviour , as the ex clearly won’t be reasonable is to remind her of the order that is in place , say you don’t wish to go to court as she’s willingly breaching it’s terms but you feel like you have no choice . If you don’t get your kids the next time you should I’m afraid you just need to go back to court .
CityDad,
Once again, many thanks for this.
Who knew that things would turn out like this and someone you once shared so much with can turn out to be so...nasty for want of a better word.
AACharlie
Indeed it’s a shame as we’ve all cared for these exes etc and it’s not best for the kids . My contact was agreed verbally and that works when you’re getting along and both playing the game etc . When they then decide to be awkward and deny contact they’ll always use it . I think people put off going to court in the hope things blow over and sometimes they do . But it’s not the best to live worrying that someone can deny contact as they please when they want to have a power trip . Unf the only way to stop it is an order from a court . It’s a shame when it gets like that ....
Have a google of what the implications for your ex may be if she doesn’t follow the order . It might appeal to her better side as it were if she realise
CityDad,
Based on conversations at court and in meetings with the social services disability team, I think she has no fear of any action the court would impose on her.
AACharlie
Hi AAcharlie,
these trouble making ex's need to be put in their place. i can't remember if i read it here or another forum, but apparently if the ex breaches a court order, and you go to get it enforced 2-3 times, then the courts will get fed up and can punish the ex by transferring residency, so kids get moved to live with you.
then again, stupid things can happen. like when i took my SPIP separated parents course, there was a dad there who looked very sad and frustrated. he said he enforced an order as ex breached, but court sent him on the parenting course (same one for the 2nd time!!)
if i was in your situation, i would try to reason with the ex. but if shes not interested, i would pay the £215 to enforce. money comes and goes. ive played about in the money markets in the past and lost quite a bit. so these costs dont bother me any more.
I agree they sometimes don’t fear the consequences but it doesn’t mean there won’t be any . I agree try to reason 1st but say things can’t carry on , you’ve been more than amicable and tried everything to make arrangements work for your ex too but if you carry on in breach you’ll have no choice but to go to court again and there will be serious consequences. I’ve found when it gets to this stage it gets slowly worse