[Solved] ?? take ex to court, or keep hoping access gets fairer?

I am a separated father, aged 48, very much in love with our two year old daughter. My ex-partner, aged 42, earns circa 95,000 pounds per year and pretty-much considers that she 'owns' our daughter. Despite my having a good past corporate career, at the time of meeting my ex, my career ambition had taken a massive dent. I still suffer the consequence of this event, which only got resolved in March 2008. Since that time, I have struggled completely to get work in my field. To pay my bills, I have resorted to doing handy-work. My work is freelance and has almost dried-up completely of late, due to the recession and my constant worry over my parental circumstance.

My ex partner and I had a relationship of 1 year prior to our daughter’s conception (May 2007 - born Feb 2008). However, our relationship was showing worrying flaws after nine months of first being together. We never became a partnership and I held fears that we never would. From just a few months into our relationship, my ex, at 40, was very keen to merge our properties, buy together and have a baby etc. However, for my part, while still hoping we might work as a partnership, I was very unsure.

Our delightful daughter came as a surprise and, faced with the issued statement that we either try to make us work, or my ex would go alone and expect no contact from me, I of course did my part to make our relationship - new family - work.

Without going into detail here, I have many testimonials from people that I was an attentive partner and new father.

In my view, my ex's unreasonable intransigence towards shared decisions - partnership -, manifest well before our daughter was conceived, became utterly unbearable. My unwillingness to do all things "her way, or not at all", but to hope for shared input, obviously became intolerable to her.

With the income available to make such a move easy, my ex moved away with our six-month old daughter.

When, five months in to our daughter’s life, my ex had decided to leave, she initially expressed the view that she would not want me to see her, or our daughter, for two years. That distressing stance was upheld for nearly two weeks. It was only retracted after it became clear to my ex that in view of my utter love for our daughter, this would be impossible for me to accept.

Prior to us separating, while still figuring that we would be a family together, my ex had worked out our arrangement for childcare for when she returned to her high-paid job, six months after birth; she would work a 4-day week, as would I. Our daughter would be in her choice of nursery (about which I had no input) Tue-Thurs, I would attend to our daughter on Mondays and work the rest of the week, my ex would attend to our daughter on Friday's. Naturally, we would have weekends together with our daughter.

Since separation, I have upheld this agreed ‘parenting arrangement’ re my Monday-cover reliably and responsibly. I do this by sacrificing my wage-earning potential (and at the cost of career opportunities) and I save (as was the purpose) nursery costs. I have been told repeatedly (in retained texts etc, that ‘I have my daughter Monday’s, and that is it’.

I continue to earn barely any wage - circa 5-8,000 pounds per annum, have severe cash-flow problems. At age 48, I received a savings lump-sum to just about cover my truly crippling debt.

Despite our circumstances, and my absolute willingness to go along with our prescribed child attendance arrangement, I am routinely pilloried for failing to provide a fiscal contribution. I have explained many times that the only way I could pay my ex the legal sum would be to work on a Monday and have agreed (worked out together) access to our daughter at weekends. This has always been refused. I know, (from repeated unregistered dialogue with the CSA) that the saving 'by effort in kind' that I make almost exactly matches the CSA required contribution - at the cost of 1/5th of my potential weekly wage to me. I maintain this Monday-role with good reason - it means my dear daughter is not in Nursery longer, it means that every single week I can get our daughter to her grandparents on my side of her little family. I would not be able to make the journey to them if I only had my daughter at weekends - the route to them is busy with shopping/day-tripping traffic at the weekend.

At 48, (explained above) with my massive debt just about cleared. In writing, I offered to pay my ex the legally required sum AND continue my Monday-role. My offer to pay came with the politely expressed proviso that we first arrange (without my presuming for one minute to suggest what the arrangement would be) some access to my daughter in 'my leisure-time'. The response to this offer was a phone call of utter fury and an accusation of 'pathetic blackmail'. Since then, I have put this episode in writing in a brief email to my ex, which has never been refuted or further-discussed.

From that point on - until now, my only ever access continues to be just Monday's. No payment arrangement was accepted by my ex.

Basically, I believe my ex doesn't want my money, it is/was just the one thing she can pillory me for in order to justify restricted access to my daughter - for her to justify that she can continue to 'own' our daughter and give me no say in any decisions about my child's well-being/health-issues etc. Despite living just three miles from my daughter's nursery, I am not allowed to be registered there - even for the practicality of emergency cover. When asked, not in the midst of any row, my ex vehemently confirmed with a 'Yes' to my question - 'did she regard me as 'Monday staff' in her eyes?

My early attempts at involvement in our daughters life - attempts at discussion of health-issues, asking for our daughter for my birthday, a short holiday, registration at her nursery, prompted my ex to invoke a 'rule' that I have no 'harassing' contact with her EXCEPT to arrange my Monday cover. This rule has been in place since May 2009 and I have sadly had to live by it.

In writing, on many occasions, I have offered, when possible, to attend to our daughter on any day she has ill-health and is rejected from nursery. I have made the same offer in relation to my ex's needs to work sometimes at weekends. In a recent letter to me, my ex has explained that (while I continue to fail to contribute) she has to work every single night of the week - even upto midnight - and most Saturdays, to maintain her job and to make ends meet.

For eighteen months, I have always - bar circa 4 weeks when I was unable (not including times when access was denied due to my ex's/daughter's holidays) - had our daughter every Monday. In all that time I have only had our daughter on two Sunday's and 1 and a half Saturday's - each following holidays for my ex and daughter such that I could not have her on a Monday. The fact that I have attended to our daughter for a whole day every week provides a clear proof that my ex is at least confident in my child-care abilities.

Despite my family inviting my ex also, our family have not had our daughter to the two Christmas Days/Boxing Days, or birthdays that she has lived through.

I have had no holiday-time with our daughter.

Despite having a lovely - child-centred house and garden, equipped with a gorgeous bedroom/nursery, I have never had my daughter stay overnight at my house since separation.

On December 21st last year, having been raining heavily at 3.45 pm, heavy snow fell at 4pm on a Monday. Faced with what became hugely reported traffic deadlock locally, despite offering to have our daughter overnight, this was 'categorically refused'. I had to make a 3 3/4 hour journey across town to get just half way to my ex's home. Whilst stuck in immovable traffic and having to help drivers in front get up inclines, I updated my ex and suggested that for safety's-sake I return home. This was categorically denied. I had to abandon my car and walk our daughter 3/4 mile to a mid-point tube station to meet my ex, who then proceeded to take her home that way. Our daughter cried for 1 1/2 hours on 'my watch' on that journey. It was awful and my ex's actions underline her self-centred will. Her actions were not in the best interests of our daughter. I believe she is aware of the precedent that would be set if I were to have our daughter just one-night and this is why she steadfastly refuses any such suggestion. In writing, (not for the first time in 18 months– this was the third time) just weeks prior to this event, I had suggested that my ex stayed at my house one night, for our daughter to stay at my home. This was suggested as a trial-run, so that when circumstance prevails (as she grows up, or in the event of an emergency) we could all feel comfier about that happening at a time of need. This offer was categorically denied.

Now things have got worse – last week, on the Monday evening return, unprompted by any argument, my ex threatened to withdraw access completely, unless I contribute ‘including backdated’. This threat would deny me and my elderly parents the chance to love our daughter.

I wrote, again, to explain - in detail - how I feel I contribute via our parental arrangement in the best way I can. And that the only way I can pay is to work on a Monday etc. For the umpteenth time, in writing, I asked if we could have professional mediation in order to work out our arrangement, with both sides views considered and acted upon. My ex has never, ever even entered an investigative dialogue about such a process. My personal view is that she would abhor a situation in which she would have to relinquish charge of the process. I, in being fully prepared to be mediated, do not do it for my benefit and am fully prepared to go along with any decision that such a shared dialogue/process would bring. First and foremost, such a process would be in our daughter's best interest.

Initial efforts at requesting counselling have been utterly rejected. As have a number of written suggestions that we draft a parenting-plan, and/or have mediation.

Our dear daughter loves time with me. She routinely tells me that she loves me, as she does her grandparents.

I have no horizons in my life. Week-on-week, I have no clue about the surety of my future relationship with my daughter. I am sick with worry about my responsibility and my emotional/physical well-being. With the exceptions of Sunday nights, when I know I am to see our daughter for another day, I almost always awake between 3-4 am with a mind full of worry over my situation. My elderly parents suffer, loose sleep and worry too and are so sad that I feel this way and that my ex refuses to build any bridge back from the polarised state we all find ourselves in.

My ex's actions over this time have pretty much confirmed to me that her self-centred way meant that we never had a chance of partnership. The consequence of that is that I live a confused life that constantly is tied to her will and her demands.

I have not sought a route through law in the hope that my ex's anger will fade. That as our daughter grows, my ex might yield, might give me more access in order to offer relief to the huge effort she has to put in to single-handedly assume this sole responsibility of our child. I now know that things will not change. I believe that my ex cannot 'share' decisions regarding our daughter and that will continue. I think I have now to resort to law and I very much hope that you can help me do that with some initial feedback and guidance? OR - do you think I should keep taking the blows in the hope that things get fairer?

What I want is an established, enshrined input into my child's life. I am fully prepared to impoverish myself, work all weekend's, whatever, to have a measure of shared responsibility in my daughter's life. Ultimately, for our daughter's benefit, I would like an equal-parenting arrangement and the establishment of shared - residency in place. I would welcome CAFCASS involvement, such that they can see what I have in the way of home-facilities and huge love for our daughter.

I look forward to hearing from you and hope you can help! With best wishes