Turned 14... Doesnt want to see me suddenly?
Hi! First Post! ... Me and my Sons mum split up when he was around 1 year old. She decided to move 3 hours away, so mostly I have travelled to see him , book a hotel one weekend a month etc.
He has now just turned 14, and she tells me he doesn't want to see me.... That she's doing all she can to help the situation and that i should wait for him to come to me, rather than me pressing things.
I get some texts back off him, but they are few and far between. He hasn't directly said to me he doesn't want to see me, but he's also not said the opposite. Part of me thinks this is him now starting to grow as an individual, and its actually a good thing that he's showing he wants his independence and I've got to get used to that. He wants to spend his time with his friends or his environment and build that etc.
Even so, doesn't make it any easier this end, part of me also thinks he still needs his Dad in his life and just because he doesn't fancy meeting up completely, he should still make the effort so that our relationship is still there even if just for a quick meal or something. It's been 6 months since I last saw him now which is absolutely foreign to me, as said once a month for a weekend was usual. Any ideas?
There's always a worry too that if I pursue things in a manner the mum wouldn't like she will makes things nasty , awkward with her side of the family too, and that will obviously push my son away from me too as he will have look after himself where he actually lives
That must be very hard for you. Could you suggest an outing with a friend perhaps. Does he like football? Perhaps go to a match with a friend of his. Is his birthday coming up. You could ask what he'd like to do and involve friends in that.
@champagne that's a good shout thank you. He used to like football, not so much now, last 2 years he's changed his likes and dislikes quite a bit. His birthday had just passed in May, I ended up asking his Mum want he wanted and got it delivered to him. I got a video back with him playing his new guitar. He's not very responsive on his phone or discord. Maybe he just wants his space now?
Hi @Dad123321, Thank you for sharing. That must be hard for you. It is not easy when we feel our relationship with our child is changing, but as you rightly recognise, this does happen and can be a positive part of the child growing up.
Like @Champagne, I would encourage you to persevere and maybe try gently suggesting some options, telling your son that you really value spending time together whilst giving him some choices (like an outing with a friend, or as you say maybe just a meal or coffee). If your son is 14, he is probably going through or heading into puberty and there will be a lot of changes going on for him, just dealing with that! You can still demonstrate your care for him through a short text or call, but this may be a period where you need to be a bit more patient, accepting that you may not always get a response. You can still be consistent in your contact, and look for opportunities to show interest in or encourage him in the things which are important to him. You are clearly working hard to keep a good line of communication with Mum too, and this will help even if it is not easy.
Your son will certainly benefit from having you, as his Dad, continue to be in his life, but you may just need to be flexible if your relationship is currently going through a time of adjustment. Stick with it!
I wish you all the best as you work on this relationship with your son. He is clearly important to you and you are important to him.
Parent Support Volunteer
@caravan thank you very much for your kind words. Of course my monkey brain selfish side thinks "hold a minute, I feel like an unwanted packet of Crisps here! I'm a bit more important than that. I should push for a contact schedule" or something. And that just because his mum is telling me he doesn't want to see me, and that just because I'm not hearing much from him doesn't mean I shouldn't be a presence in his life, just because I'm not flavour of the month. Both parents bring up the kids, which doesn't mean being the most entertaining person in the room for them. Ah mind is swimming
Hi - when I was given reason to apply for court my son was 10, he is now 13...no safe guarding concerns so 4 adjourned hearings, bottom of the pile....meanwhile their voice gets louder and louder in court as they get older. If your child is 14 and assume you get in front of someone by 15 the court will simply do as the child wants (within reason). Its extremely frustrating particularly if they are under emotional pressure/psychological hostage. I always come back to what seems to be the backbone of your ethos and it states it in all the parental alienation information. Stay present as possible, message regularly, try to call/email and suggest fun activities. When they are an adult, their mind is free, they will come round to see what you tried to do and the fact that you were there. Particularly if they go through the same/similar.
In short it may be a bit late for court (if you have no safeguarding concerns).
First of all, welcome to the community! It's tough when you and your son's mom split up, especially with the distance between you two. It's natural for him to seek independence at his age, but that doesn't mean he doesn't need his dad in his life. Keep those texts going, give him space, and show your love and support. Finding a balance with his mom's side might be challenging, but communication can help. 😉