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Hello. I have just had a thirteen year relationship come to an end. My ex and i were unmarried and have two children aged 4 & 9. I have applied for Parental Responsibility for the older child. I am the biological father and named on the birth certificates. We have lived during this period at the property i own, and still live in. My ex moved out on Thursday, taking the two children and most of the possessions. She told me three weeks ago that it was over and did not really give a reason, except 'we don't get on' or 'you are miserable', i asked many times until it was just not appropriate to push it any more if she was having an affair/had someone else on the horizon, to which she always replied no, and it would get quite heated in denial. Well as you might guess it turns out she has been. This has only been about three weeks and within a couple of days were madly in love. She has moved into a rental nearby (with him). My ex seems keen to go to mitigation to make some sort of contact arrangements. I only found out about the affair a couple of days ago so i am in deep shock and 'angry'. I am concerned as to what i can hope for, should i be looking to continue the 'status quo', residence order, shared residence? I am/was stay at home dad, and the ex the earner. I have been left with nothing, no money, furnishings, bills to pay, etc, and need to get my life back in order. I have been 'leaked' many many emails and correspondence between the two, with a great deal of comment that is very hurtful to me, my ability as a parent, and general hateful comments about me, to which the other man is encouraging her, all comments are completely unfair and taken out of context, and unjustified, straight forward lies. It is almost as both are telling each other what they want to hear. She also writes of her joy in hitting me in the head one time. She also writes that she wants to keep me as a 'friend' so things do not get complicated, or i become awkward. I spoke to her yesterday that she wants to remain real friends, and i believed her, and have helped with things since. Looks like i've been had. I have had the children every day during the summer school holidays, while she has been 'occupied' elsewhere, and caring for their daily needs. I think she just seems to assume she can just walk away and start a new life. Her partner has also sent many many scary emails of extreme sexual fantasies, and graphic emails of what he was going to do to her (okay they are both adults), and she has participated in the replies. This along with his claim he is going to be the father i am not. He comments 'its me, you and the kids baby'. He does not have children, been married or lived with children. Help! Any thoughts? I have not had a chance to speak with a solicitor.
Hi Eskimo Joe
Mate what a horrible situation to be in. 😡
We will ask our legal experts (the Childrens Legal Centre) to log on and give you some free legal advice but this will take a few working days i'm afraid. You could try calling their free phone line details can be found here
http://www.dadtalk.co.uk/directory_of_s ... l%20issues
Def keep the emails as evidence as they will be useful esp the one where you ex wife talks about hitting you and the sexually explicit ones too. Mention these and show them to your solicitor.
Be worth asking the legal folk how things stand as you have been the carer for so long, i'd be interested to know if it makes a differance on who gets custody.
Try to deal with the anger and betrayal you feel around her affair, it will help you move on.
Do keep chatting to us bro
Thanks mate. I will give them a call as well. Its the way this 'affair' has snowballed that is very scary. If my ex was a teenager it would be considered 'grooming'. He is constantly telling her that she is wonderful, and any weakness or flaw in our relationship is leapt on with abandonment. Curse of Friends Reunited, last met when they were 13, 17 years later, three days after meeting talking of starting a family together and in love! Anyway what is difficult is the put downs to me and hate that has built in her dialog during this short period, and he is her saviour. He is always commenting that he likes to be in control, and in between asking questions about our children, boasts he is sitting at his computer, playing with his **** etc, and what is she going to do about it etc, all this having not met. Gets worse after having met. Many of them are very degrading to her and any woman, quite horrible. My ex is still coming to terms with he sudden death of her mother, and previous her dad, and i think these events are a shock to her and is content to hear what she wants to hear (from him). I spoke to my ex and asked her why she writes these things when she knows they are simply not true, her reply was that, he gets 'angry/agitated' when she talks about happy families and the nice things we do together, and that the things she wrote about me she did not mean, but more to do with what he wants to hear. Well thats a lie. Most of our family think she has 'lost it', but she says she has never been happier. It could get very messy all this. Stay tuned.
As far as I am aware, as you are named on the birth certificate as the father, you automatically have parental responsibility. (Edited as a result of reply from experts) - only after 2003.
The problem you have (and a lot of us have been through it) is separating your anger and hurt towards your ex from thre rest of the situation. The fact that you have been leaked emails shows that your ex wants to hurt you. If you can, focus on the children and getting your life back together.
Living well is the best revenge.
George Herbert
English clergyman & metaphysical poet (1593 - 1633)
Dear EskimoJoe,
Thank you for contacting the Children’s Legal Centre, an independent charity concerned with law and policy affecting children and young people.
Firstly, it is advisable that you gain parental responsibility for your older child as you do not have this by being named on the birth certificate, as you seem aware, because the law did not provide for this until December 2003.
Parental Responsibility will give you the right to a say in the major decisions affecting your children’s upbringing, such as schooling, religion or moving abroad. It does not give a right to contact with your children as contact is the child’s right, not the parents.
At present your ex partner is able to control all contact between you and your children, as they are living with her and there are no court orders in place. If you are not happy with the contact that you are being given or want a more secure arrangement you do have several options.
The first option is generally to suggest mediation to attempt to come to an agreement that both parents are happy with, however this will be an agreement and not legally binding.
The other option is to make an application to court for an order. You are able to apply for any order regarding your children, the most common being contact, residence or shared residence.
A contact order is an order that states that your children have contact with you on set days and times, this can be overnight in some circumstances.
A residence order is an order stating with whom the children live, and the children can not be removed from this person without either that persons consent or another court order.
Shared residence comes between contact and residence, it generally means that your children will live with both you and the mother in amounts ordered by the court. This can be a 50/50 split of time but often is not depending on practicalities and what the court feels is best for the children.
It is for you to decide which order, if any, you wish to apply for. These orders are all applied for using the same form, the C100 form which is available from www.hmcs.gov.uk , and costs £175 to file at court if you choose to represent yourself and not have a solicitor. If you choose to do this you should also download forms CB1 and CB3 which offer guidance on the court process.
Generally contact will always be granted unless there are real safety concerns. Shared residence can be granted if it is thought appropriate and best for the children.
For residence, there generally has to be very good reason for a court to alter children’s residence.
Any court order that is put into place is legally binding and if one party breaches this they may be penalised for doing so.
With regards to the mother’s new boyfriend, it is for each parent to decide when they are caring for children, who those children see. If the mother wishes for the children to be around this new partner and she has chosen to live with him then she does not require your consent and you will not be able to prevent this.
If you feel that this man poses a real risk to your children then you are able to contact social services, and they will decide whether they believe there is reason for them to investigate. No consideration will be given to whether he has previous experience of caring for children.
We hope this information is useful to you. Should you require further assistance please contact our Child Law Advice Line on 0808 8020 008 and an advisor will be happy to help.
Kind regards
Children’s Legal Centre
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